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Myname posted 7/29/2013 18:45 PM

I'm really having a hard time. I'm not really sure why exactly. I know I'm working on finalizing my D after almost NC for nearly 3 years now. I want it to be over but itis depressing me knowing that I've failed in my M.

SO came to visit a few weeks ago and met my parents. My parents are very obviously avoiding talking about her. I've seen them a few times since she's been here and there has been no mention of her at all. They just talk to me about the chores I need to do for them, that's it.

I had a minor self-harm thing about a month ago and I'm really struggling with wanting to cut today. I went for a ride on my motorcycle (which didn't really help), and I'm about to do a workout, even though I'm not feeling up to it.

I really just want to hurt myself and get it over with. I feel like totally and completely isolating but I know my SO won't let me. I know she's just trying to do what's best for me but I just want to be alone right now. I just want to cut to get a release. The pressure builds up so much that sometimes I can't stand it. I can almost imagine in my mind how it would feel to do it.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I guess just to say what's on my mind.

Williesmom posted 7/29/2013 18:48 PM

((Myname))

Don't do it. I'm so proud of you for working on the D. I know it's hard, but once you are done with it, you can continue with the healing process.

Keep busy. Exhaustion is your friend.

Amazonia posted 7/29/2013 19:26 PM

Have you ever tried the ice cube trick? Grip ice cubes as tightly as you can in your hands (it'll hurt) and hold as long as you can. Supposed to help with cutting cravings, does no lasting harm.

persevere posted 7/29/2013 19:59 PM

Stay strong Myname. ((Hugs))
When is your next IC appt?

How are the workouts going? You've been an inspiration to me - I'm doing kettlebell workouts at least twice a week now and plan to bump it up to four times per week once I'm done with my summer school night class. Thank you.

Myname posted 7/29/2013 20:27 PM

Ama I just tried the ice cube thing and to be honest it did nothing for me. I hardly even noticed it. The self harm I'm used to doing is kind of intense. An ice cube is not exactly going to cut it for me.

When is your next IC appt?

It was today. Which is probably why I'm struggling a little more today. My next appointment isn't for another 2 weeks.

I've backed off a little on the workouts. I was working out 6-7 days a week now I'm doing 3-4 days. I work 12 hour days so when I come home I have a choice, talk to SO or workout. I choose to talk to SO. I want this to be a lifestyle change that I can maintain. 6-7 days a week working out is not something I'm going to want to keep doing long term.

I'm trying to hang in there. I might just take some sleeping pills and go to bed early tonight and sleep through this craving.

90% of the time I can control it but sometimes I really have a hard time with it. It's just always there creeping around in the background of my life.

TrustNoOne posted 7/29/2013 22:07 PM

Myname, I've read your posts over time.

You are one of the most genuine and authentic people I've read here.

You are extremely brave to post your struggles; both in success and challenge.

You are stronger than you acknowledge. Fight this craving. I know you can.

((((Myname)))) I wish I could give you a huge warm hug in real life.

Perhaps seeing yourself bleed and feeling the intense pain reminds you that you are still able to feel something, and that life isn’t over yet.

I'd like to affirm that for you through my concern, care, and internet hugs. You are important. You are worthy. You are more than your marriage (and divorce). You matter. You have purpose and meaning.

((((Myname)))) One moment; one hour; one day - one at a time, friend.

Pentup posted 7/29/2013 23:08 PM

Wish I had seen this earlier. Hope you are safe and asleep by now.

I am guessing that you are feeling like self harming, you are not seeing what we see. That you came here first, that you reached out. That you went to IC today, that you have a SO. You have come sooooooooo far!!

I hope you made it through the night without harming yourself. You deserve to love yourself. Because you have worked and are working so hard to heal.

Praying for you tonight and always.

[This message edited by Pentup at 11:09 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

Myname posted 7/30/2013 00:33 AM

thanks everyone. I didn't hurt myself but I have to be honest, I don't hold out much hope for the next few days. This is a very strong urge that has been building for sometime and is not going away.

I've pulled out every trick I know tonight. I worked out, I talked to SO, I posted here, I've used ice, and tried to distract myself but the urges haven't diminished at all. At this point it's so late that I'm just too tired to do anything. I kind of just waited this one out. So I'm going to bed now. I know the urges will be there waiting for me tomorrow morning.

wildbananas posted 7/30/2013 00:55 AM

I'm glad you were able to wait out the urge tonight and I hope you wake up feeling better in the morning.

I know it's hard and a struggle but I agree with Pentup - you've come so far since you got here.

One step at a time. We're all here for you.

(((Myname)))

miadianna posted 7/30/2013 01:16 AM

Hang in there, MyName. Sorry you had a bad day.

I had an non-specified eating disorder for 20 years that nobody in my life knew about and most still don't, so I know all about those urges. You can do this. Being free of all of that is a very beautiful thing. But I know it's hard. I work out too, hope you are feeling better when you wake up.

Pentup posted 7/30/2013 07:36 AM

One day at a time . You outlasted it yesterday. We are here to help you get through today.

Lord, please wrap your loving hands around our friend. Keep him safe. Give him peace. Show him the beauty you have created be it a bunny or a beautiful flower. Let him see that you care for him so much more. Just as he would not dream of harming a baby bunny, let him feel that same tendeness for himself. Give him compassion for himself. In your precious name. Amen

Amazonia posted 7/30/2013 07:58 AM

You know what? You didn't cut today. That's a success. Don't dwell on the potential of future failure when you could be focusing on the success of today (err...yesterday ).

Are you still doing the P90X thing for working out? Is there an option to do shorter, more manageable workouts that will still give you the endorphin boost but not take up your entire evening?

Myname posted 7/30/2013 08:14 AM

I started doing something similar to P90X. It focuses more on strength training and no cardio. It is about 45 minutes long so a little bit shorter than p90x. But for the last few weeks I've gone back to some of the p90x cardio workouts. I started gaining some body fat. The cardio workouts help me the most as far as the cutting situation goes.

I'm still in a bad place this morning. I have to work for a few hours today which is good as a distraction but I really don't feel like working.

Pentup posted 7/30/2013 09:05 AM

Get to work!
Then find a way to do a random act of kindness for someone today. Concentrate on that for a while. ((Myname))

nutmegkitty posted 7/30/2013 14:24 PM

MyName, I want you to know I'm thnking about you. I'm hoping your urges go away. Hang in there friend...

heartbroken_kk posted 7/30/2013 14:55 PM

Myname,

I am so glad you come here and post when you are feeling down.

I just want you to know that. We are here for you.

Keep posting, keep talking it through! We are listening!

Pentup posted 7/30/2013 22:17 PM

Just checking in to make sure you are ok

Jrazz posted 7/31/2013 11:16 AM

Hey Myname. Thinking about you today.

I remember that exercise is a huge help for you in these times...

I'm going to go on a big intense bike ride at 2:30pm Pacific, and I'm going to be sending you the mojo when I do.

I don't know why your parents aren't talking about SO, but from what I remember they always just push their own dogma on you so it probably wouldn't matter who she is, if it wasn't their handiwork they might be weird about it.

Parents are weird. The only thing that matters at all is what SO means to you. Everyone else can take their opinion and stuff it under their hat.

(((Myname)))

Myname posted 7/31/2013 19:38 PM

I hate to say but I messed up last night.

It wasn't bad. Nothing deep at all. I didn't even have to bandage it for work today, just wore a long sleeved shirt to cover up.

The worst part is because I didn't cut deep enough I didn't get enough of a release so I still have a pretty strong desire to cut.

I'll be fine tonight. I'm not going to do anything. I just hate this nagging craving that won't go away and I know that it will only grow stronger with time.

Pentup posted 7/31/2013 23:19 PM

Glad to "see" you here. Praying that each day the urge becomes less.