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Getting to a spot where WS may have been?

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blakesteele posted 7/29/2013 18:51 PM

So this is what I am wondering....

Does a BS path to R go through the spot where our WS stopped off for a bit? The spot where your marriage means so little, has so little weight that there really is no big pressure when it comes time to step out on your marriage...or decide any other marriage-destructive action (withdrawing, anger, alcohol, depression).

I think I get the 180 thing, and the...change yourself to get to a healthier spot thing. But those are different then the above spot... or feelings...or how ever you want to describe where a WS was when they chose to destroy their marriage, right?

I sincerely don't know...but am concerned about getting to a spot that is as destructive of my marriage as my wife did...but should this be a concern or is it a natural step\phase?

Any thoughts?

Thanks for viewing my post.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:53 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

ArableSands posted 7/29/2013 18:52 PM

I am REALLY interested in hearing the answers to this question. Thanks for posing it blakesteele.

foundoutlater posted 7/29/2013 19:00 PM

For me it had to. With all the damage done to my self-image I had to be in R for me. Im not sure it is a phase for me so much as a process. I completely lost touch with reality. To get a grip I had to detach and figure out I would be OK if we D and Id be happier to D than to live with a WS who had not changed her mind set. For me it is a much less desperate and clingy view of marriage. Im invested and I want to work on the M. It evolves I guess.

blakesteele posted 7/29/2013 19:16 PM

When a BS gets to that spot (if indeed that is natural progression of this journey)...and the WS is not far from that same spot (still fresh off the A)...where does the desire to R come from? Seems like it just isn't there if both people are at the ..... take it or leave it spot. KWIM?

Then where do the vows and commitment play into this? Vows don't have the ending clause....These are suggestions, but if something better comes along or if the WORSE is really bad you can forget about the above promises...clause in it.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:20 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 7/29/2013 19:20 PM

That is a good question, blakesteele, and I feel it is probably dependent on each couple and how their process is going.

It might be that you are over the shock and right now you maybe feeling that maybe you don't even want to reconcile, that maybe it was a dealbreaker.

You are talking about a revenge affair aren't you? As an exit affair? To just blow it up and put you all out of your misery? Well, it won't work, and it will just cause more pain.

And, you no longer have the high road, which sometimes I feel is overblown, but in the case of having a revenge affair, I am firmly entrenched on the high road. I feel that is where you really want to be, blakesteele. I know from reading your posts you are a good man with integrity.

Maybe it is time to really do some deep introspection about what blakesteele really wants and where you feel you want to be in a couple of years from now.

TrulySad posted 7/29/2013 19:21 PM

I think for some, the answer is unfortunately yes. I'm struggling with this today, and have intentionally stayed close to SI(this site), to not go down that path.

What I'm finding is....I'm on that path, but don't want to become that person. It has nothing to do with loving my WBF.

I think maybe we reach a point in this process where we become so angry and upset....and because we feel so hurt, and unattractive, or undesired, rejected, thrown away....that the thought of hurting the relationship takes a backseat to the need to feed our emotions and self worth.

Just because we're on this path, doesn't mean we have to stop, put our bags down, set up camp, and go swimming in the sludge.

Stay strong....

blakesteele posted 7/29/2013 19:24 PM


Ahhh the high road....

The shock is wearing off...

Just not in a good spot today...and am on vacation at the beach. Bad dreams last night, angry today, doing separate things right now with our girls.

God be with us.

blakesteele posted 7/29/2013 19:28 PM

Thanks trulysad...I am struggling right now. Your point of visiting but not staying there makes sense.

Perhaps the whole...don't make any decisions while in an UNCLEAR frame of mind holds true here...considering that the state of mind I started this post with as an UNCLEAR state of mind since it is NOT CLEARLY inline with what my vows are.

The pain is so strong....

karmahappens posted 7/29/2013 20:10 PM

To do so would mean you are willing to betray yourself.

Heal yourself first and a revenge affair would never be an option.


Wonderingwhy11 posted 7/29/2013 20:13 PM

I hope I don't get to where WS was. I rather leave the marriage than do what he did to me. I would like to think I have more respect for myself and my spouse than to lie to someone I say I love and to my children.

I have told WH I wanted to have an A to understand what he was thinking. I told WH I want someone to send me flirtation texts and pictures and make me feel sexy and beautiful. There are times I think he deserves to feel what I feel.

TICKED OFF posted 7/29/2013 20:20 PM

Nine years out now and I am in "the perpetual spot." I say that because we still live 2 houses down from the ow and her h. So my daily life consists of the memories of when my h made the decision to put both of us in the "spot."

By choosing to put us in the so called "spot" my h made my choice of how I now view this marriage that I chose to stay in. So I guess to answer your question, the spot to me is not so much a phase but a way of life at this point.

HurtButHopeful? posted 7/29/2013 20:25 PM

I thought about having a R affair...for about a second. Then I nixed it, because that is not who I am.

The other day I thought about finding out how to get some p*t and smoking it as an act of rebellion, and to take my mind to a different place. I thought about that for one second, and nixed it too, because I'm not a juvenile, having to rebel and act I don't do drugs, and would only be hurting myself.

Stupid things occur to us BSes too. But most of us don't do them, because we know they are just stupid, and that is not who we are.

blakesteele posted 7/29/2013 20:39 PM

Some clarification is in order...not talking about a revenge affair. I am talking about getting to the point where I put as little stock in a marriage as a WS apparently did when they chose to commit adultery. While a revenge affair is ONE of the choices that becomes an option when a person devalues their marriage to that low of a is not the ONLY option.

What I am pondering is IF a BS crosses a spot along the way to healthy R where they find themselves where the WS was...the whole devaluing of the marriage spot. If the answer is does a marriage R? Aren't both people involved now at a point where most of the value has left the marriage? Who has the energy to R if you get to this spot?

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:40 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 7/29/2013 20:44 PM

Another it realistic to believe that a WS can somehow ADD value to their marriage in the aftermath of their A? Given the turmoil that enters the marriage after the affair...wouldn't the WS have even MORE reason to value their marriage LESS after the affair?

God be with us all.

blakesteele posted 7/29/2013 20:50 PM

Ticked off...interesting statements.

Leads me to this new to me question...can a marriage survive when such a lopsided value is placed on it by the two people it comprises?
Made particularly more interesting when the person who placed the highest value in it begins to see that value erode....

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:52 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

mchercheur posted 7/29/2013 20:52 PM

I understand what you are talking about blakesteele.

Right now I have been thinking about D all day. I love WH, but I really do think that I would be happier alone. I am tired of living on his terms. But I continue to hang in there for the kids.
I think we just have to have patience when its like this. Don't make any hasty decisions.
Blakesteele, ask God to help you with this. Thats what I am doing.

blakesteele posted 7/29/2013 20:55 PM

(((((Mchercheur)))) prayer is a part of my daily life...I agree, best to stay quiet (not my strong point) and "float".

Ah, to be happy....

But I don't even desire that. I really desire to have the feeling that I am in this marriage with someone....that it is NOT a solo venture. Discomfort SHOULD not be a reason to end a marriage (or used as justification to step out on it via an A)....

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:00 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

mchercheur posted 7/29/2013 21:32 PM

I read somewhere that the BS has to have enough patience to wait for the WS to really get it. I am praying that with time this will happen.

BeyondBreaking posted 7/29/2013 21:37 PM

I think I have been there in my relationship. Where I have been so fruistrated, so tired of fighting, so tired of being told that I am wrong, so tired of not being heard...that I just throw my hands in the air and want to say "fuck it" to the whole thing.

I think one of the BEST explainations of that feeling is a quote from Titanic: "I felt as though I was standing on a chair in the middle of the room screaming and nobody even bothered to look up."

I have definitely been there- where I have communicated in every single way shape and form and I am just at my wit's end.

Never been tempted to cheat. Definitely had the option and opportunity, but never wanted to. However, I suppose for some, when that frustration level hits, the possibility of cheating can be all the more appealing.

RockyMtn posted 7/29/2013 21:40 PM

When a BS gets to that spot of which you speak, I actually think it can be a positive. Even those who are intent to R would be well-served by ignoring the WS and the M for awhile and focusing on the self. I don't think deprioritizing the marriage (or withdrawing) is such a bad thing after betrayal. Reprioritizing the self for awhile is in order.

Indeed, then, the BS is getting to the same spot as the WS - selfishness. So, yes, I agree that BSs enter the same "mode." The difference, as I see it, is that the BS' selfishness is going to a greater good, a stronger individual and could potentially contribute to a stronger marriage if R is chosen. The WS' selfishness is nothing but destruction, disrespect, and hurt.

Who has the energy to R if you get to this spot?

I would argue that the WS needs to find the energy. They need to trudge through the low spot. But, that aside, if you think a WS is "allowed" to experience a lack of energy to R, then no biggie. Honestly, I don't see R as something to rush into. Or something with a consistent upward trend. It is a rollercoaster. And maybe instead of ups and downs, there are also "flats" where there isn't energy to actively work on R. I don't see that as a problem, frankly. Again, as long as it isn't a long-term "spot."

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