Does a BS path to R go through the spot where our WS stopped off for a bit? The spot where your marriage means so little, has so little weight that there really is no big pressure when it comes time to step out on your marriage...or decide any other marriage-destructive action (withdrawing, anger, alcohol, depression).
I think I get the 180 thing, and the...change yourself to get to a healthier spot thing. But those are different then the above spot... or feelings...or how ever you want to describe where a WS was when they chose to destroy their marriage, right?
I sincerely don't know...but am concerned about getting to a spot that is as destructive of my marriage as my wife did...but should this be a concern or is it a natural step\phase?
Thanks for viewing my post.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:53 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
Then where do the vows and commitment play into this? Vows don't have the ending clause....These are suggestions, but if something better comes along or if the WORSE is really bad you can forget about the above promises...clause in it.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:20 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
It might be that you are over the shock and right now you maybe feeling that maybe you don't even want to reconcile, that maybe it was a dealbreaker.
You are talking about a revenge affair aren't you? As an exit affair? To just blow it up and put you all out of your misery? Well, it won't work, and it will just cause more pain.
And, you no longer have the high road, which sometimes I feel is overblown, but in the case of having a revenge affair, I am firmly entrenched on the high road. I feel that is where you really want to be, blakesteele. I know from reading your posts you are a good man with integrity.
Maybe it is time to really do some deep introspection about what blakesteele really wants and where you feel you want to be in a couple of years from now.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
What I'm finding is....I'm on that path, but don't want to become that person. It has nothing to do with loving my WBF.
I think maybe we reach a point in this process where we become so angry and upset....and because we feel so hurt, and unattractive, or undesired, rejected, thrown away....that the thought of hurting the relationship takes a backseat to the need to feed our emotions and self worth.
Just because we're on this path, doesn't mean we have to stop, put our bags down, set up camp, and go swimming in the sludge.
Ahhh the high road....
The shock is wearing off...
Just not in a good spot today...and am on vacation at the beach. Bad dreams last night, angry today, doing separate things right now with our girls.
God be with us.
Perhaps the whole...don't make any decisions while in an UNCLEAR frame of mind holds true here...considering that the state of mind I started this post with as an UNCLEAR state of mind since it is NOT CLEARLY inline with what my vows are.
The pain is so strong....
Heal yourself first and a revenge affair would never be an option.
I have told WH I wanted to have an A to understand what he was thinking. I told WH I want someone to send me flirtation texts and pictures and make me feel sexy and beautiful. There are times I think he deserves to feel what I feel.
Gotta love the life that we livin'
By choosing to put us in the so called "spot" my h made my choice of how I now view this marriage that I chose to stay in. So I guess to answer your question, the spot to me is not so much a phase but a way of life at this point.
The other day I thought about finding out how to get some p*t and smoking it as an act of rebellion, and to take my mind to a different place. I thought about that for one second, and nixed it too, because I'm not a juvenile, having to rebel and act out...plus I don't do drugs, and would only be hurting myself.
Stupid things occur to us BSes too. But most of us don't do them, because we know they are just stupid, and that is not who we are.
His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley
Love Busters by Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband by Reb Bradley
What I am pondering is IF a BS crosses a spot along the way to healthy R where they find themselves where the WS was...the whole devaluing of the marriage spot. If the answer is yes...how does a marriage R? Aren't both people involved now at a point where most of the value has left the marriage? Who has the energy to R if you get to this spot?
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:40 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
God be with us all.
Leads me to this new to me question...can a marriage survive when such a lopsided value is placed on it by the two people it comprises?
Made particularly more interesting when the person who placed the highest value in it begins to see that value erode....
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:52 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
Right now I have been thinking about D all day. I love WH, but I really do think that I would be happier alone. I am tired of living on his terms. But I continue to hang in there for the kids.
I think we just have to have patience when its like this. Don't make any hasty decisions.
Blakesteele, ask God to help you with this. Thats what I am doing.
Ah, to be happy....
But I don't even desire that. I really desire to have the feeling that I am in this marriage with someone....that it is NOT a solo venture. Discomfort SHOULD not be a reason to end a marriage (or used as justification to step out on it via an A)....
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:00 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
I think one of the BEST explainations of that feeling is a quote from Titanic: "I felt as though I was standing on a chair in the middle of the room screaming and nobody even bothered to look up."
I have definitely been there- where I have communicated in every single way shape and form and I am just at my wit's end.
Never been tempted to cheat. Definitely had the option and opportunity, but never wanted to. However, I suppose for some, when that frustration level hits, the possibility of cheating can be all the more appealing.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
Indeed, then, the BS is getting to the same spot as the WS - selfishness. So, yes, I agree that BSs enter the same "mode." The difference, as I see it, is that the BS' selfishness is going to a greater good, a stronger individual and could potentially contribute to a stronger marriage if R is chosen. The WS' selfishness is nothing but destruction, disrespect, and hurt.
Who has the energy to R if you get to this spot?
I would argue that the WS needs to find the energy. They need to trudge through the low spot. But, that aside, if you think a WS is "allowed" to experience a lack of energy to R, then no biggie. Honestly, I don't see R as something to rush into. Or something with a consistent upward trend. It is a rollercoaster. And maybe instead of ups and downs, there are also "flats" where there isn't energy to actively work on R. I don't see that as a problem, frankly. Again, as long as it isn't a long-term "spot."