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X.W.H made D.S.D uninvite DD from her wedding

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incredulous posted 7/29/2013 18:54 PM

My former step-daughter is getting married next week. We've stayed in touch since the divorce, but she's a teenager, and I didn't want to be pushy, so it's not frequent -- we get together maybe 2 or 3 times a year, but will occasionally text or facebook message each other.
DD (17 years old) has been wondering if we would be invited, and we were very happy to get a "save the date" in March. DD was ecstatic, and immediately texted DSD and said we would be coming to the wedding.
Fast forward to the end of June -- no invitation. I finally talked to DSD's mom (who is friendly to me) and she explained that XWH vetoed me from the guest list. After I told her how devastated DD would be, DSD decided to invite DD and her boyfriend.
Apparently XWH threw a fit, and poor DSD had to call DD and tell her that XWH told DSD to ask DD not to come.
DD is heartbroken. She thought XWH would be happy to see her; she wanted to tell him she's going to college to be a grade school teacher. (He's a grade school principal.)

If you read my signature, you will see that this kind of rejection is especially heart-breaking for my DD, who has a history of abandonment. What kind of narcissistic fuckhead do you have to be to do this to a poor teenager who just wants to be loved??

I hate him again.

hurtbs posted 7/29/2013 18:55 PM

Oh my God. I am so so sorry :( Is your daughter in IC?

incredulous posted 7/29/2013 19:01 PM

She has been in IC, but isn't now. Two different therapists thought she needed some anxiety medication in order to get to a place where therapy would be helpful. (It was causing panic/anxiety attacks, and was causing more harm than good.) She just started on those meds about a month ago.
I feel so sorry for her, and for my former step-daughter, who was so clearly upset when she talked to us. I guess Fuckhead got DSD so upset that step-daughter's fiancé called him on his behavior; Fuckhead hung up on him. He's paying for the wedding, so DSD didn't have the courage/desire/money to stand up to him.

[This message edited by incredulous at 7:03 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

solus sto posted 7/29/2013 19:30 PM

Jeez. It sounds like Mr. Veto Power is the one who needs to be uninvited.

Poor girls.

missmydogs posted 7/29/2013 19:35 PM

What an absolute pos he is. What the fuck is wrong with him? I have no suggestions, just here to give support. Hugs to you both.

persevere posted 7/29/2013 19:48 PM

Wow. Just wow. What a selfish SOB to treat both of these girls like this. It's really sad for everyone. What an absolute narcissistic ass.

I still have a relationship with my DSD, and honestly, XWH is such an ass now, I can see him trying something like that, if he thought he could get away with it. But, between DSD's mom, his first XW, and DSD, it would never happen - they would flatten him like a fly.

I am SO sorry this happened incredulous - it is incredibly unfair to you and your DD. I hope she is able to understand that she did absolutely nothing wrong - he is a selfish, sad person. (And I use the term "person" very loosely) (((incredulous)))

ButterflyGirl posted 7/29/2013 19:58 PM

Geez, this post really burns me up. WHAT A FUCKHEAD!!

Even if he's paying for the wedding, it should be the wedding SHE wants with the people SHE wants. It's like he's ruining any thanks he should get by trying to dictate what the wedding should be.. I can see making her choose chicken instead of filet mignon, and perhaps limiting the number of guests, but the guests that they choose should be totally their decision!!

I guess the only silver lining is that DSD and DD can still have a wonderful relationship after this, maybe even closer given what he has done. Those stupid narcs never think of the consequences of their actions.. FTG!!

newlysingle posted 7/29/2013 20:19 PM

I seriously want to kick this guy's ass and I'm not a violent person.

Tearsoflove posted 7/29/2013 21:09 PM

I don't usually cry over posts anymore, incredulous, but you really got me with this one. I feel terrible for your daughter. Rejection is so hard for teenagers who haven't gone through what your daughter has gone through but to have the only dad she's ever known act that way over something she was so excited about is incomprehensible. I wish she could just crash the stupid wedding... I bet he ends up not having a relationship with his daughter for very long given a track record with trampling people's feelings like this. And he's not getting a very good start with future son-in-law, either.

I'm sorry for your daughter.

Pippy posted 7/29/2013 21:16 PM

I hate it when families ruin weddings over their petty insecurities. But your Ex really takes the trophy. What a jerk!

What goes around comes around and he will be a lonely old man some day.

I had a similar situation when I got married. I swore then and there I would never do that to my kids. DS gets M next Spring and I'll be there! For him.

Holly-Isis posted 7/29/2013 22:14 PM

I don't have anything more to say about the awfulness of this....

But I did want to add that maybe they can get together and arrange a special day together. It won't be the wedding, but time where your DD can spend time with your DSD and her fiancé. It could actually be pretty cool because she'd get more face time than she would at the wedding.

Maybe you can help your DD pick out something for DSD to wear on her wedding day, like something old, something new...

I'm so sorry your XWH is such a monumental, selfish ass.

TrustNoOne posted 7/29/2013 22:14 PM

.......... little here leaves me speechless anymore....but.......................

peridot posted 7/29/2013 22:53 PM little here leaves me speechless anymore....but.......................

I know, just when you think you've heard it all.

incredulous posted 7/29/2013 23:02 PM

Thank you all for the responses. DD is really sad, but I have been so proud of the way she's handling it. Her first reaction, when I told her XWH was unhappy she was invited, but she hadn't been un-invited yet, was to think of her step-sister. She almost immediately said "If WXH doesn't want me to go, I should stay home, because it's DSD's day, and I want her to be happy. If her dad's not happy, she won't be happy."

When DSD first told her that XWH wanted her not to come, DD wanted to call XWH. She wanted to let him know she's not mad at him, that she was looking forward to seeing him, but he didn't have to talk to her. She then decided she would stay home, but asked if she could go out to a nice dinner with DSD and her fiancé, her other step-sister and boyfriend and DD's boyfriend, so DD could wear the dress she bought for the wedding. They've already made plans as soon as they return from the honeymoon.
DD is also going to one of those paint-your-own pottery places and making DSD and fiancé a personalized platter for a wedding gift.

She has been so mature in her response, but more importantly, so empathetic and caring. Ironic that a 17-year old, who is supposed to think everything is about her, acted selflessly and out of true love for her sister, while XWH, a 55-year old man, thinks it's all about him?!

She's been so sad all week, though. I can't stop thinking about it, so I know she is, and it just breaks my heart for her.

InTheRabbitHole posted 7/29/2013 23:31 PM

Your DD is an amazing girl. Must get it from an amazing woman!

incredulous posted 7/29/2013 23:45 PM

I just had to hold DD as she lay in bed crying about not getting to go to the wedding. She feels that she keeps losing the people she loves, and she wishes she could have a 're-do" on her childhood.

Hoping for some SI mojo to give me the wisdom and strength to support her properly through this. She is completely devastated.

persevere posted 7/29/2013 23:56 PM

She then decided she would stay home, but asked if she could go out to a nice dinner with DSD and her fiancé, her other step-sister and boyfriend and DD's boyfriend, so DD could wear the dress she bought for the wedding. They've already made plans as soon as they return from the honeymoon.
This had me in tears - and it clearly tells me that this is hurting DSD just as much as it is hurting DD - what a selfish scumbag he is - and whether he realizes it or not he is absolutely damaging his relationship with his own daughter way more than he realizes.

Your DD is an amazing kid - sounds like DSD is too - I'm sure you had something to do with that. ((Hugs))

Tearsoflove posted 7/30/2013 00:03 AM

I read back over your posts again and I'm still open mouthed that this man works in a school with children. FTG!

incredulous posted 7/30/2013 12:21 PM

I've been NC for years with XWH, as has DD. I am really tempted to write him & tell him what he's done to her. Or to write him & ask our tell him she's coming to just the ceremony & won't talk to him. Can anyone tell me why I shouldn't? I know we say NC=,no new hurts, but nothing hurts worse than seeing your child hurt.

BeyondBreaking posted 7/30/2013 12:38 PM

You know, I am confused about why DSD is letting her dad veto people from HER wedding.

I am getting married in 10 days. Here is the conversation I would have with MY father if he was trying to veto guests I wanted to come: "Suck it dad, so and so is coming. If you don't like it, you don't have to come."

I would be mad at him for being a f*cktard, but I feel like DSD is also responsible. If he vetos her, and she says, "No dad, it's MY wedding," what's he going to do? He's not going to pay? It's in a week, and I guarantee that most of it has already been paid for.

Your DD is an angel. Poor thing! She seems to be handling it in such a mature way (much better than I would...I would send XWH poop in a bag or something). Proud of her, and proud of you for raising such a sweet young lady.

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