...its what has gotten many of us where we are today. We took for granted, that we thought our Betrayed's would always be there, no matter how we treated them, or at least I did.
It came as a shock to me, when I was enmeshed deep in my fog, that BSO was no longer willing to put up with the abuse I was dishing out, and had begun to prepare for a life without me.
I wondered how he could betray me like that, and not stick by me. Didn't he love me? Ugh! What a complete jerk I was!
It took me realizing that he was serious about leaving to snap out of it, and when I did, damn!!! It hit me so hard, I still have whiplash! How could I have allowed myself to get to the point where I truly believed that I was justified in my behavior. Where I had convinced myself that he had driven me to have As? Yikes!
Once I finally admitted to myself that I needed to change, my faults became clearer and clearer. I stopped blaming my behavior on mental illness, alcohol, circumstances, yada yada yada, but most importantly on BSO. It was never really about him anyway.
Recently, as we approach our 17 yr anniversary, and not long after that, our final dday, I start thinking about where I was when I started down that slippery slope. Things were great between us, we had overcome so much pain and adversity together. I felt like we had reached a point where no matter what happened, no matter what we did, we would be able to just coast on by, and we'd be fine. No hard work needed, wed already done it all. This is where I let my guard down.
I began to ignore my already paper thin boundaries, and push on through. I let others in, let their opinions come before BSO, and slowly but surely crossed the line from friends to EAs. Then, I allowed the cross from virtual (texting, emailing, fb... etc) to physical. It felt wrong, too real, so I went back to the EAs alone. In my fantasy world, I was "safe". BSO became the enemy, and I became defensive and angry with him. Felt he owed it to me to allow me to cake eat. It was all his fault anyway. Then I expected him to forgive me, because, afterall, I deserved it after so many years!
Flash forward 1 year. Wow! What a mess I created! But how far I've come in a year. I wake each day, thankful that I have BSO in my life, thankful that even after everything I put him through, he still made the choice to let me back in. He still chooses to spend time with me, to laugh with me, to talk with me. He still chooses me.
I don't know where we will bein another year, but that's OK. Right now, I'm happy he still chooses for me to be a part of his life. I will continue to work on myself, so I will be able to recognize complacency if I start to let it creep back into my life. I never again want to take for granted the amount of work and humility it has taken BSO to get to the point where we can share joy again.
I never want to lose sight of the pleasure I find in the little everyday things, like the smell of his pillow, the smile on his face when he comes up with some new delicious recipe for chicken, or even washing his stinky socks! I've loved this man, every which way! Now I'm learning how to do it right.
So i offer up a giant helping of F*CK YOU to complacency! You overstayed your welcome! I hope you never return!!