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Posting for a friend - summer vacay w/ kids; stbx snooping

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Nature_Girl posted 7/30/2013 01:21 AM

A friend of mine is divorcing her NPD SA husband (I swear this isn't me, it's the same friend who's hubby I've shared here I'm scared of). So she wants to take her usual summer vacay with the kids. They go on this trip every year. It's on the opposite side of the country, but still the USA. The trip would be their normal 2.5 weeks. They'll be seeing friends & family members.

Her STBX says no, she can't take the kids. It will interfere with his parenting time. He has no special plans, he just doesn't want to not see his kids for 2.5 weeks. He's threatening to legally block this annual trip. I don't see how he could, but my friend is scared. He can't block the trip, can he?

This same narc is also causing her other problems. Such as, he went into her bedroom in her home (he was in the home with her permission, but he went into her room without her permission) and went through her closet to see what he could find. Their divorce is very contentious (probably even worse than mine, if you can believe it). VERY contentious. He knew she would have something in the house relating to her case. So he searched her closet & found it. This is the 2nd time he's snooped in her home & helped himself to her legal correspondence. So anyway he went through all her stuff, including her notes to/from her attorney. Here's what she told me: "He took out the pad with notes, opened it up to where I was taking notes about key loggers, placed the pad on my desk, and took a photo of it. He sent them to the judge today.

In my writing, it says (scrawled and barely legible):

Keylogger (underlined)

Truth = he gave me the password

He knew about key logger: he could subpoena them

HE SENT THIS TO THE JUDGE and called me a liar"

My initial response is to want to scream WTF?!?!?!?! How can he get away with invading her private bedroom? How can he get away with reading her correspondence with her attorney? How can he get away with photographing her documentation? How can he get away with contacting the judge??????????

Anyway, if anyone has any wisdom or experience to share, that would be very helpful.

wannabenormal posted 7/30/2013 02:12 AM

I have no advice as I didn't deal with this, but my sister's STBX went into their old 'pleasure/treasure chest' on one snooping occasion and laid out some 'stuff' on her bed for their then-8yo DD to see.

AND he also took some items, presumably to use with OW.


Catwoman posted 7/30/2013 04:41 AM

Do they have any orders? If so, what do they say?

If not, there is nothing to prevent her from taking the kids, and unless he filed an emergency order and was able to prove that the children were somehow in danger, doing something that was customary during the marriage is going to be allowed.

Additionally, sending something to the judge is ridiculous. A matter has to properly be before the judge to be considered. Just sending the judge documentation is NOT properly before the court and CANNOT BY LAW be considered.

If she hasn't, she needs to file for emergency orders, exclusive use of the marital home and she SHOULD NOT allow him past the front doorsill. Period.

How can he get away with it? She let him in the marital residence. Time to shut that down ASAP.

But tell her not to worry about his tattling to the judge. The matter (there isn't one, BTW) is not properly before the court and cannot be considered at all.

In fact, I'd be willing to have some fun with this and every time he threatens to go directly to the judge, let him. He will quickly learn that it digs him quite the deep hole.


whyohwhyohwhy posted 7/30/2013 06:38 AM

As far as the summer vacation with the kids goes.....

One of my friends would take her son to her home country every year for 6 weeks in the summer to visit her parents/family...literally half way across the world.

Her ex (crazy abusive nut) tried to block her from doing this when they got divorced.

She was able to show that she had done this every year for 8 years, and he was unable to fight her on it.

As far as sending things directly to the judge.....that's just nuts.

Helen of Troy posted 7/30/2013 08:46 AM

Trip: I'd be concerned he would make this as a she blocked me from my regular visitation type accusation. She needs legal advice for this one, from a lawyer.

Bedroom snooping: It's a little too late now, but she needs to lockdown her boundaries ASAP! DO NOT let this man into her home for any reason.

Side note related story: ex found an address written down on piece of paper in my van. He googled it to find out it was a divorce attorney. He drove to the atty's office. When atty finally asked his name he realized who this man was and said leave now, I am not allowed to talk to you due to conflict of interest. Um hello like what was he trying to do anyway? tell his side of the story? IT's funny now but wasn't funny at the time, I felt scared.

Nature_Girl posted 7/30/2013 13:14 PM

Thank you for your opinions so far!

She has no official orders in place, and can't do anything about this because they are a in the middle of a high-conflict divorce and a custody battle. He needs to be able to visit the house because he does visitation there. Personally I think the visitation needs to be someplace else, but for whatever reason it keeps happening there, probably because he's NPD and he gets to keep tabs on her this way.

Yes, the vacation would interfere with his bi-weekly visitation, and that seems to be the sticking point. Has anyone else managed to get around this?

Amazonia posted 7/30/2013 14:08 PM

If she really can't (legally) keep him out of her house, she needs to install a deadlock on her bedroom or other private spaces and have the one and only key herself.

GabyBaby posted 7/30/2013 14:12 PM

I agree with Ama. If nothing else, buy a small, but sturdy safe and keep anything she doesnt want his prying eyes to see in it.

Catwoman posted 7/30/2013 14:20 PM

But if there are no formal court orders she can do as she pleases. Of course, so can he.

She needs to get orders ASAP. Temp orders. If she has them, they need to outline visitation and that it does not happen in the marital residence.


ajsmom posted 7/30/2013 14:26 PM

Surprises me that there aren't any temporary orders, given how contemptuous this sounds.


caregiver9000 posted 7/30/2013 14:27 PM

That is the best advice on this post I have.


He drove to the atty's office. When atty finally asked his name he realized who this man was and said leave now, I am not allowed to talk to you due to conflict of interest. Um hello like what was he trying to do anyway? tell his side of the story?

It is funny that they do NOTHING original! Mine did this after receiving a letter from the attorney about our case. He showed up in her office demanding certain questions about what was "alleged" in the letter. She ordered him to leave.... and then resigned from my case! I think she was scared of him.

end t/j

I hate the bullies. It is VERY nice to be on the other side of all the contention and crazy. The good news is, there is "the other side." And even though there is occasional crazy, but it is so much better!!!

woundedby2 posted 7/30/2013 14:29 PM

She needs to get orders ASAP. Temp orders. If she has them, they need to outline visitation and that it does not happen in the marital residence.


Compartmented posted 7/30/2013 21:08 PM

If he is NPD and SA, she may not want him alone with the children, thus the in-house visitation. Is there another safe place that visitation could happen?

I agree that she needs to get a lock on her room. I hope she is documenting this outrageous behavior and that her attorney is reacting strongly to the asshole's attorney. He sounds like a big ole' bully. What if she calls 911 when he does things like that?

I had an off-duty policeman at my house when my X showed up during the divorce to do something for settlement. No way was he going to get to me. He was pissed about it, and no doubt embarrassed in front of the two men who came along with him, but that was just a bonus for me.

Sometimes you have to call in the big guns so that these abusers get the idea that they Have To Stop. It's not cheap, and a real shame, but sometimes they just don't get it. What on earth did the children think when he went into her room?

UGH! Hugs to your friend, NatureGirl, and let her know she's in my prayers.

hathnofury posted 7/31/2013 09:09 AM

What has her L said about the trip?

My guess is that with no official orders in place, she has no restrictions keeping her from going. He could, however, make her life hell and call the cops and report kidnapping and whatever. So my first thought is this, without having consulted a L:

Submit in writing, I am going with the kids on this trip for 2.5 weeks, like I have every year since X. I am more than happy to make up the difference in visitation (5 days) in the coming weeks. If you do not agree, we can arrange for temporary orders with the courts to address visitation. The key is to get something in writing or on video where he understands she is taking them, and has the opportunity to make up visitation when she comes back. Or consult with local PD to inform Vacation Town PD of circumstances. That way if Vacation Town Police are called, she has documentation and her trip is not called off or ruined.

As for the "break in", I totally agree with the others she needs to invest in a safe and a bedroom door lock. And be told in no uncertain terms he is not allowed in there, and record that conversation on video openly. With another person there to witness and prevent him from going off on her. That if he does it again, there will be no more unsupervised visitation in the home, and he will have to foot the bill to pay for an officer to supervise him in her home during visitation. Or do supervised visitation elsewhere - the courts can arrange that.

Give her hugs and tell her I am praying for her.

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