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Gemini71 posted 7/30/2013 08:27 AM

I always thought we had an ideal marriage, we've been married 18yrs with 3 kids 16, 11, and 8. We don't fight or argue much. Our sex life was good, or so I thought. I was completely blindsided.

D-Day, four days ago, I received a phone call from the police saying they had my husband in custody, he was physically okay, but was facing multiple felony charges. Luckily (maybe) he was released 'pending further investigation.' Turns out that for the past year, he's been posting ads on Craig's List looking for women for sexual contact. He admitted that at least once it included intercourse, but they did use protection. He was arrested because the latest person to respond to his ad was an under aged girl, who's mother saw the emails.


It has only been four days, but I feel like I've lived a couple of years since then. A complete emotional rollercoaster. He is very remorseful, willing to do IC and MC (in fact is lawyer recommends it). I'm already in IC for chronic depression. He has done some deflecting of responsibility because this all started during my last major depressive episode, but I understand that HE is the one who CHOSE to respond by betraying our marriage vows. I have a lot invested in our lives together, so I have decided to fight for our marriage. Once I made that decision (about 30 hours into this nightmare), we started focusing on damage control for the legal situation. Unfortunately, that puts my feelings on the back burner.

I still love him, and I know I should be angry with him. Sometimes I am, but I'm still very detached from my emotions right now. I figure I'll have a spectacular melt-down once this all hits me and the numbness wears off. Mainly I feel like a huge idiot for not seeing any of this coming.

Heavy Sigh posted 7/30/2013 08:40 AM

First, I would advise some investigation of how previous ads were worded. This willl help you (and his lawyers) to determine or prove he was not trolling for minors if the wording in his ads or responses was not to look for minors. If the underage girl answered his ad without him aware she was underage, and that could be proved, that will help him legally. Consider your marriage issue on the backburner for now because you've got hell about to rain over you if this becomes a sex offender case.

You may be able to get computer experts to look in your computer. Someone here may understand who to hire for computer forensics, and how it's done. If he's never advertised for underage girls, but has sought hookups from other online sites, then the evidence from the computer from other online hookup sites and the wording he put on those sites when seeking hookups for adult women of legal age may actually help him prove he wasn't out to prey on the young. That wording would make the difference between having his photo on the "sex offender" list in your neighborhood, or not. He will likely be convicted for soliciting a prostitute, unless lawyer can find a legal way out of it. But soliciting a minor is a whole different (worse) problem legally to be charged with.

Can you imagine your kids trying to make friends with other kids and the neighbors thinking you're the "sex offender" family, which in the U.S. you're required to report if convicted on statutory or soliciting a minor charge? I can't see acceptance happening for you or your kids, either, if he gets convicted and must register as one and you're known as the "offender" family down the street. Can't see him getting a job or keep one easily, with that status, either. So get going on the legal stuff and stop worrying about recovering a marriage yet. You've got a world of problems that makes cheating look like a small deal.

Advice: If he was looking for underage hookups, then don't bother to waste your energy to reconcile since that tends to be a sickness few will recover from if the guy has a kink for it to be minors of not reaching above a certain age. You would be in a no-win situation legally, and your kids would receive the stigma they didn't deserve.

Also, if you lived separated and divorced, and not living together, you wouldn't be a household considered an offender household if he didn't live there.

Search for the truth, first. If he was caught up in that nationwide sting of pimps running underage girls this week, then they will prosecute aggressively so look realistically at the situation. If he is innocent of that part of it, at least, then you'll have to prove that he couldn't have known she was a minor.

If he was searching for minors, you can't stay with him. Just can't. It would be contorted, and you and your kids would be better off without him in the house.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:59 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

Skan posted 7/30/2013 14:15 PM

^^^agree. And don't worry about you not feeling anger, or feeling flat right now. That's your body and mind protecting you. You are very correct in that you are going to have one hell of a melt-down at some point, so don't be surprised when it happens.

Please come back often for support.

kiki1 posted 7/30/2013 16:00 PM


What a horrible situation.

Please come back here for help and support.

I'm sorry

Gemini71 posted 7/30/2013 17:04 PM

In a way it's reassuring that other people think it's okay for me to focus on the legal issues first. I've kind of decided on that already. I'm a stay-at-home mom and everything we own is in both our names. At this point, our lives are so entwined that whatever happens to him, will seriously effect me.

I'm doing my best to compartmentalize. I've broken it down into 3 issues. First and foremost are the legal ramifications. We don't know what level of charges they will file, Misdemeanor or Felony. He's retained a lawyer and is going to see a Forensic Psychologist to 'prep' for whatever comes. Secondly, he needs to get IC. That is a requirement for my support. No negotiations. Finally, we need to have MC. I've laid out a rough timeline for him, so he knows my expectations.

He's extremely remorseful, but..... I had to find out by his being arrested. He did NOT chose to tell me. Is he sorry he cheated or sorry that he got caught? The last woman he was communicating with turned out to be a 15 yo girl. Our daughter is 16!!!!!!! Ah well. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. The roller coaster will probably last for quite a while.

jjct posted 7/30/2013 17:30 PM

It sounds like he's bailed out, correct?
I hope you do not let him near any tools he may have used - phone, computer, etc.
Bailed or not, you're talking to him.
Has he denied seeking out minors to you?
The answer to that one question will change everything.

The truth will out.

I suspect he knew.

jjct posted 7/30/2013 17:37 PM

Not a lawyer - so take what you need and leave the rest as we say -
Wouldn't the police seize the computer as part of the investigation?

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Gemini71 posted 7/30/2013 17:49 PM

Actually, he was 'taken into custody for questioning' and then 'released pending further investigation.' No official arrest yet, but it's coming. They lawyer says that if he ends up with no charges, my WH should go buy a Lotto ticket.

All his communication was via smartphone, and the cops already have that. We're talking about replacing it with a dumb phone since he needs it for work. So far no search warrent for home computers.

One problem is that he is a computer programmer, so I cannot ban him from technology completely. But, depending on the charges, the law could do that for me, in which case our family is financially screwed.

At the moment, I'm just drained emotionally. I think I'm gonna make some dinner and then take the kids out for ice cream. They're great kids, and I'll take my joy wherever I can find it.

hurtincolorado posted 7/30/2013 17:53 PM

What an incredibly brave woman you are. You have put your children and family ahead of yourself. Wow. Wish we could all get to know you. In the down moments remember what an amazing person you are for having even considered that. As far as the legalities do not touch the computer, give it to the lawyer. The police may search it but under no circumstances do you alter anything on it. Whatever happens in the legal situation, which may very well require him moving from the home, you have to b free and clear. Hire a good lawyer and you stay out of it.

hurtincolorado posted 7/30/2013 17:55 PM

What an incredibly brave woman you are. You have put your children and family ahead of yourself. Wow. Wish we could all get to know you. In the down moments remember what an amazing person you are for having even considered that. As far as the legalities do not touch the computer, give it to the lawyer. The police may search it but under no circumstances do you alter anything on it. Whatever happens in the legal situation, which may very well require him moving from the home, you have to b free and clear. Hire a good lawyer and you stay out of it.

womaninflux posted 7/30/2013 18:06 PM

He needs sex addiction counselor STAT.

jjct posted 7/30/2013 20:13 PM

Oh dear. I was afraid you would avoid the question.
You are brave and strong.
Most of us would have melted to a puddle by now - and you go out for ice cream - what a wonderful lady!

The question. Still remains.
I am so sorry.

standinghere posted 7/31/2013 03:38 AM

You may be able to get computer experts to look in your computer

Don't touch the computer.

You don't know what is going on here, but your computer may well end up being evidence, and you don't want anyone to touch it, other than the police, and then only if they have a warrant that is properly served.

You may have stuff on there that you don't even want to imagine.

k9lover1 posted 7/31/2013 07:41 AM

No doubt you are in a horrible situation. I can't even imagine getting a call that my husband was arrested.

I understand that you are a SAHM, but at the end of the day, you may want to consider getting a job. Sounds like your kids are old enough to be in school. Any decisions down the road will be a little easier if you have some finances of your own.

What does he say about the girl's age?

EasyDoesIt posted 7/31/2013 07:52 AM

Heavy Sigh hit all the nails directly on the head. It will all come down to if he was trolling for minors or even willing to engage with a minor. I'm so very sorry that this is happening to you.

Gemini71 posted 7/31/2013 10:59 AM

According to my WS, he was not looking for minors. I tend to believe him because the respondent to the first ad was an adult, and that is what led to the actual cheating. However, I have seen enough posts here to know that cheaters are liars. I do believe that he is addicted to internet porn, and it has been slowly escalating, which leads to very poor decision making, a hallmark of sex addiction.

His lawyer has suggested that there are some things that I should not know about. I'm willing to go along with that for now, mainly because I feel we both need IC before we start MC. Once we start MC, and we get to the Disclosure stage, he will need to be completely honest.

As you can tell, I've been doing a lot of reading on Sex Addiction and the steps to recovery. It's helping me to 'intellectualize' our situation and avoid my emotions, for now. I am so glad that this forum is here, so I can talk about these issues anonymously. Because of the legal issues, I have to be very careful about what I say in RL. I do have some close friends that will support me no matter what the situation, but I don't want to put them in an awkward legal position. We did have a frank discussion with my folks (because they are bank rolling the lawyer fees), and his parents (they are a pastor/counselor) about the situation, which nearly gave the lawyer an stroke. But he'll just have to deal with it.

My SAWH went back to work yesterday, and there was an unmarked cop car outside the building. He almost had a panic attack until he realized it wasn't there for him. Is it wrong that I felt a glimmer of glee when he told me this? It also amused me when his father explained why they weren't yelling at him. "Yelling is used to prevent a behavior. It does no good after the fact." This arrest could be the rock bottom he needed to really admit his problem. As for me, I'm enjoying the detachment while I still can.

FeelingSoMuch posted 7/31/2013 11:09 AM

This is awful. I'm sorry. Heavy Sigh said all that needs to be said.

If you need any validation of your pain, here it is: I'm living in hell after my WW had a nine-month A, but I would not trade places with you. I'm so, so sorry.

Stay strong.

k9lover1 posted 7/31/2013 12:45 PM

Did the lawyer say what his reasons were for feeling that there are some things you should not know about?

There was a major sting operation a couple days ago related to minors being used as sex slaves - I assume this wasn't related to that?

[This message edited by k9lover1 at 12:46 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/31/2013 13:57 PM

Well bless you, Gemini. This cannot be easy.

I'm afraid some of us are a bit confused. I get that your husband was running ads looking for women on Craigslist for extra-marital sex.

The confusing part is where the young teenage girls come into play.

If his ads were looking for adult women, how did a teenager get involved in answering his ad? Was she a young prostitute looking to drum up business, or a young girl with daddy issues? I can't imagine why any teenage girl would trawl Craigslist looking for middle-aged married guys. I don't get it.

I'm kind of getting the feeling that this piece of information is one of the things his lawyer doesn't want you to know about right now.

You sure seem like a strong lady. Sending you much strength and positive thoughts.

1Faith posted 7/31/2013 15:54 PM

You never ever expected this. Nothing can prepare you for this.

This is not "irreconcilable differences". This is bigger and badder than you ever thought. This is ultimate betrayal. This has hurt you deep to the core. This has shaken everything that you thought you were, made you question everything that you have ever done.

No one will really understand unless they have been through it. And even then, every situation is different.

You do not need to "move on" or "get over it". You need to heal. Healing takes time. Healing takes work. Healing takes patience. You have just been run over by an emotional Mac Truck. You are broken mentally and emotionally. Your family and friends do not see the injuries, but they are there. And it takes the same amount of time and work to heal from this as it does from a bad auto accident.

You are tired, worn out and exhausted. (((BIG HUGS)))

But please know this is NOT your fault. You did nothing wrong. Don't feel like an idiot for trusting and loving your husband.

Write about it. You will not "get over" this a couple months or even a year.

You WILL begin to heal, but you it takes a long time to heal completely. Cry and scream and beat up the garbage can. Get your anger and disappointment and hurt out. Do not stuff it down just because someone else expects you to.

This healing time is YOUR time. It is your time to take control of your life and your own emotions and healing. You own it and you get to decide how it will work and how long it will take to heal.

Has your husband shown any remorse? Are you sure there is NC? Is IC possible for you?

I am so sorry you are still hurting.

We are all here and we care.

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