Trust will always require a bit of faith. For a long time I checked every thing I could, I needed verification, I obsessed over every possible way of communicating and it was killing me. Eventually, I had to admit that I didn't want to live that way, I was making myself sick with worry and stress. However, i also realized that this new found distrust was going to be with me forever, I knew I couldn't just find someone new and have trust, I would always look at friends and spouses with some level of distrust b/c I had been so blindsided.
Eventually I had to look at H's efforts to prove his trustworthiness and accept them. whenever his cell rang he just handed it to me without looking, that helped a ton. Whenever he worked late he'd call and just put me on speaker so I could listen to him work for an hour, whatever I needed he just did it without complaint ( after the fog lifted! ) I decided that I would appreciate his efforts to rebuild trust by acknowledging them and accepting them, I cut back my checking on him, once a week then every two weeks, eventually to only when I triggered or something wierd happened. I think what we as BS strive for is trust with eyes open. Never blind trust again. So if my H says I'm would like to go to happy hour and I feel worried, I have to say "I feel worried about this because..." not b/c you had an affair 6 years ago, if i'm feeling stressed about it it's my job to sort thru that so I can be clear. "I am feeling insecure b/c you'll be with ppl I don't know, can I come along? or i meet these ppl before you go to happy hours without me?" something to that effect. If I say to my H i feel insecure b/c you had an affair 6 years ago, he can't fix that, i'm giving him nothing to do to help heal this marriage and nothing will change b/c it can't.
If she is doing things that actively make you not trust her, you need to tell her what she needs to do differently to help you. If you are waiting for her to fix all the damage she caused by her affair, it's not going to happen. Yes she broke it but she is not capable of fixing it, unfortunately. We need to heal ourselves at some point, with the support of our spouses, we need to decide that we want to be married and work together to make it good or not to be married, we must make that choices as the BS and then take the steps toward our goal.
I'm sorry your hurting, I remember this time in my life and it was physically painful.