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why can I still not trust

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chevyman posted 7/30/2013 08:34 AM

So today makes the third anniversary for conffrontation day. I had bad dreams last night, I woke up this morning feeling real sad and depressed. I still just DO NOT trust her at all! She recently took a new job and works mostly with other women and thats good for my piece of mind anyway. But last night she asked me if she could go to a happy hour with some of her work people. I really just kind of ignored the question. I don't want her to go. She's like "you really didn't answer me, it's not like I'm going to do anything" THAT right there pisses me off to no end. She brings it up like that, almost like it's my fault?? WTF???!!! It's bad enough the a$$hole lives very close to us and we can't move because well we would have to give our house away but I am reminded EVERY day of it. I keep telling her "I think of it every day" I try to forget but there is always something there to trigger it. I still do not trust her in any way. I am STILL checking her phone after all this time. She had a new work email that I cant check. I HATE technology! I think it's the devil for sure.

Sorry for the kind of venting. I just feel like I should be able to breathe a little better now, but I still can't.

Josephine01 posted 7/30/2013 08:57 AM

Hi Chevyman,

It's been about three years for me too. I can't trust him either. So boy do I know where you from where you are coming. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to be married to someone that I need to check up on all the time. Perhaps. . . not. . IDK!!!

There is one thing that I have come to realize that you have to loosen the reins a little. Just keep your eyes wide open. Know what time she leaves and when she gets back. I may even set your mind at ease to know she is doing what she said she would. And if you can't trust her isn't it better that you find out before you put another three years into R?

Good Luck, I hope all works out for you. (((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))).

chevyman posted 7/30/2013 09:11 AM

Hi, I really had to let out some tention whe she took the new job. That really wasnt easy for me at all. I will keep my eyes wide open for sure!! Thank you.

mepe27 posted 7/30/2013 10:48 AM

Trust will always require a bit of faith. For a long time I checked every thing I could, I needed verification, I obsessed over every possible way of communicating and it was killing me. Eventually, I had to admit that I didn't want to live that way, I was making myself sick with worry and stress. However, i also realized that this new found distrust was going to be with me forever, I knew I couldn't just find someone new and have trust, I would always look at friends and spouses with some level of distrust b/c I had been so blindsided.

Eventually I had to look at H's efforts to prove his trustworthiness and accept them. whenever his cell rang he just handed it to me without looking, that helped a ton. Whenever he worked late he'd call and just put me on speaker so I could listen to him work for an hour, whatever I needed he just did it without complaint ( after the fog lifted! ) I decided that I would appreciate his efforts to rebuild trust by acknowledging them and accepting them, I cut back my checking on him, once a week then every two weeks, eventually to only when I triggered or something wierd happened. I think what we as BS strive for is trust with eyes open. Never blind trust again. So if my H says I'm would like to go to happy hour and I feel worried, I have to say "I feel worried about this because..." not b/c you had an affair 6 years ago, if i'm feeling stressed about it it's my job to sort thru that so I can be clear. "I am feeling insecure b/c you'll be with ppl I don't know, can I come along? or i meet these ppl before you go to happy hours without me?" something to that effect. If I say to my H i feel insecure b/c you had an affair 6 years ago, he can't fix that, i'm giving him nothing to do to help heal this marriage and nothing will change b/c it can't.

If she is doing things that actively make you not trust her, you need to tell her what she needs to do differently to help you. If you are waiting for her to fix all the damage she caused by her affair, it's not going to happen. Yes she broke it but she is not capable of fixing it, unfortunately. We need to heal ourselves at some point, with the support of our spouses, we need to decide that we want to be married and work together to make it good or not to be married, we must make that choices as the BS and then take the steps toward our goal.
I'm sorry your hurting, I remember this time in my life and it was physically painful.

Josephine01 posted 7/30/2013 13:17 PM

Wow, mepe27 you hit the nail right on the head. You gave me some good advice today as well.

Thank you :)

jo2love posted 7/30/2013 13:42 PM

Chevyman -

Please follow the guidelines when posting. There is no namecalling of the OP in Recon. Thank you.

struggling3 posted 7/30/2013 14:30 PM

Agree with mepe27....such good points and I love hearing from someone 6 years out who certainly has seen it all. far as the email at work goes...why can you not access it? I told my BH from the beginning that I needed to be able to see his work email since all his shit happened at work and heavily involved his work email. He did not hesitate even for a second. He has to change his password every 45 days and just changes a number by one in case he forgets to tell me so I can get to it. That is what she should be doing for you to help you put deposits back in the trust bank...IMO

chevyman posted 8/1/2013 10:51 AM

Sorry about the foul remark. I just get a little worked up sometimes talking about it.

I am glad to read all the POSITIVE outcome that people have. I have to try really hard to think positive and feel positive. It's just hard sometimes. There are SOOOO many triggers. It's still fresh, even at 3 years out. I have trust issues still. Not that she is giving me any reason to, but I have just been burned and crushed and I don't want that again.

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