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Being bullied by a narcissist

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Trytoletgo posted 7/30/2013 09:53 AM

I just responded to "The Zen of Leaving an Abusive Narcissist" But was hoping I could get some more advice... I have a 2 yo son so unfortunately my XH and I require some level of communication. I have requested that we only communicate over email and we have arranged it so drop-offs and pick-ups are at daycare so we very rarely have to see each other. My narcissistic XH continues to bully and berate me over email, I am at a loss as to how to make this stop. I have emailed him several times and requested him to stop and to stick only to the physical and developmental updates re son that are necessary. But it seems to be getting worse. He has taken no responsibility for his choice to commit adultery, marry the OW and move away from his son and blames me for all of his choices at every chance he gets that I am "the liar and manipulator"!!! I just want it to stop! I have tried to ignore it and that doesn't work either! His words are just so mean and hurtful! Has anyone found a successful way to put an end to this? I just can't take it anymore!

Most recently we got back from an international vacation and he refused to take SON on his scheduled days because it was "not his responsibility to get him back on schedule from the time change". This means he will not see his son for 23 days! And is now requesting make-up time which he has forfeited. I am sick of being bullied and having the rules only apply to me and giving in to appease him.

For over a year now I have worked with a therapist/mediator to craft my responses in a fair and unemotional manner to avoid "feeding the beast" (as I saw on another post).

I'll take any suggestions!

Here are some quotes all from his most recent email:

"All your notes state 'for SON" or in "his best interest" Tell me honestly how anything you have done over the past 2+ years lives up to this when it comes to him spending time with me? Keep up the anger and bitterness, SON is smart, before long he will see what you do and not want to be around it. Then I'll get the time I deserve."

"My limited time is not by my choice, itís a result of your lies and manipulation."

"The only time that he gets upset is at the daycare drop-off but after a fun weekend that is no surprise. If you are not seeing the same then maybe that tells you who he really belongs with."

"I do wish you would take him on vacations that would be more suitable for him, not just to a destination where you tag along with your parents. But I guess as they spend more time with him than you do, there is no choice but to go along on their trips."

LadyQ posted 7/30/2013 10:14 AM

Honestly, your best bet is no response at all. From the quotes you listed, there is absolutely no need for any type of response from you. There is not question regarding your son any where in there. If he asks a legitimate question regarding DS, by all means answer. But any time you respond to any of his vitriol, you are feeding the beast.

If you are initiating conversation about his care and keeping of DS, it's best to stop those too. You have no control over how he chooses to interact with his child. And this is how it should be unless the child is in danger or being neglected. You wouldn't want him to have any control over your time with DS, right?

Crickets is your best bet, even though I know it's tough. When you cease to react (even if you're right, you'll never convince him anyway), he will eventually find a new target.

devistatedmom posted 7/30/2013 10:33 AM

You need to talk to your lawyer and have them write him a cease and desist letter about the the ugly emails. He needs to know it could have legal consequences. If he persists, then you need to follow through and take legal action so he can't contact you at all. Talk to your lawyer. I know it makes it even harder with a young kid, but if you can't talk to him without him bullying you, then you can't talk to him.

stick only to the physical and developmental updates re son that are necessary.

Rethink what is necessary. Your son is sick and his medicine is in the bag? Necessary. You are at the hospital? Necessary. Your son has grown two inches and his speech is now at a 3yo level? Not necessary. Your son rode a bike for the first time? Not necessary. Each time, before you send him something, even about your son, stop and think. MUST I tell him this? Or do I just want to share this with him? If it's share, email your mother or best friend.

As far as him refusing to take your son because he didn't want to get him back on schedule from the time change, that was his CHOICE, and he forfeits that time. It is not to be made up later. Your only response, and I think you should be making your responses through a lawyer for a little bit until he gets the hint that you won't be bullied anymore, is the time was available to him and he refused it. Therefore time will not be made up.

With someone like him, you need to follow the LETTER of the agreement.

5454real posted 7/30/2013 10:37 AM

If you feel you must read these, I would suggest putting the word idiot behind each of his statements.

"All your notes state 'for SON" or in "his best interest" Tell me honestly how anything you have done over the past 2+ years lives up to this when it comes to him spending time with me? Keep up the anger and bitterness, SON is smart, before long he will see what you do and not want to be around it. Then I'll get the time I deserve."

"My limited time is not by my choice, itís a result of your lies and manipulation."

"The only time that he gets upset is at the daycare drop-off but after a fun weekend that is no surprise. If you are not seeing the same then maybe that tells you who he really belongs with."

"I do wish you would take him on vacations that would be more suitable for him, not just to a destination where you tag along with your parents. But I guess as they spend more time with him than you do, there is no choice but to go along on their trips."


He and his opinions are totally irrelevant. He is an idiot. All I see are deliberate manipulations to upset you. By allowing him to do so, you are still "feeding the beast".

Don't respond except for kids and finances. N/C, N/C, N/C.


LadyQ posted 7/30/2013 10:51 AM

One of the dynamics that occur in these types of relationship is offender/offended party/appeaser/forgiver. You don't respond to his email (you offend), he gets pissed (he's the offended party). In order to make peace, you do every thing necessary to talk him down. You beg, you apologize, you promise it won't happen again (this is appeasement mode), he forives you and all is well until the next time you offend.

You no longer belong in the role of appeaser. So you don't respond to his email. What happens?

Housefulloflove posted 7/30/2013 11:45 AM

"He and his opinions are totally irrelevant. He is an idiot. "

This. This. This. Let this thought repeat in a continuing loop with EVERY interaction with that idiot.

You know you had no control over the decisions he has made. If you had control over his thoughts and actions he wouldn't behave or talk like that! HE knows you have no control over him and I bet he recognizes that if a better person was in control, he wouldn't behave like such a POS! But he can't blame himself and take responsibility for the POS he clearly is, so he has to blame you! And blaming you isn't satisfying enough if he is doing it alone so he wants you to blame you too.

The thing about blaming other people for your life is that it leaves you feeling powerless to make a life that you can enjoy. He is powerless and he feels it. He can't make himself happy. His immature attempts just put him in a more complicated and dissatisfying mess. The only power he has is the power to make others feel some of his constant and overwhelming misery.

Ignore him like you're being paid to do so and like others have said you could have a lawyer send a C&D. You requesting him to stop is just going to encourage him because it will confirm that he is getting under your skin.

The views of a narcissist are not based on reality. They will believe (and repeat) anything they need to in order to maintain a totally untrue and illogical opinion of themselves. If in order to maintain his delusions about himself he had to believe that ghosts are the babies of aliens and unicorns, he would....without hesitation!

Trytoletgo posted 7/30/2013 12:05 PM

Thank you all so much!!! I needed to hear that!!!

Ashland13 posted 7/30/2013 12:13 PM

If there isn't a way to ignore a message, something I've learned to do is not write anything at all with an opinion in it. Or a judgment.

I don't want to generalize so will talk about some dealings with Perv/Mr. Peckerwood. He is Captain of the Narc Patrol and it is as if he sits in wait of negative comments, so that he can pick apart and destroy my words and also my day and my esteem, which usually takes most of a day to boost and get myself function.

So there are things we cannot ignore when we have children, business, property, life.

I've also learned to be extremely brief in my replies (he notices this and attempts to do it back). I try to make it almost automated and have learned more texting to do it with.

If you put any emotion in a transaction, likely it will be pounced on. If you put any wishes, desires, needs, be very careful and it is best not to make it about you. I pretend a lot when it comes to him and dealing with him. I pretend I don't care when I do and I've had to let go of my own wishes and wants for our daughter, because it only hurts me in the end.

Like the vacations you mention, what I'm doing is working on myself so that I can get up to a point where I can take her and do things I wish he would.

Perv also blames me for his choices and tried to take our child with him to avoid the expense he created. So he is mad at me for that and also for the rules of the law we live under-we were devoted to him, but that doesn't matter now that Ow is. Eww.

Also, it really helps me to never answer right away and the reasons are several. It shows disinterest and helps me to plan what to say. I wait til I am my strongest frame of mind and then write very briefly.

The beast, as I know it from him and my mother, look for flaws in other people but as I said, sit in wait almost to defend themselves. We don't matter in the least when they need to get out on top and if you remember that, it may help.

So: short replies.

No emotion.

Don't reply to non-important things (like yes or no answers).

Oh. Very important. Something that I find is a very golden key, or major puzzle piece, is to write in open-ended ways. It's not complicated after a few times and will save a lot of emotion. I can give examples, if you like.

Sorry for the marathon message-this is one of my favorite topics.

Ashland13 posted 7/30/2013 12:15 PM

Correction: reply to yes or no things the most.

Abbondad posted 7/30/2013 16:52 PM

Thank you for this thread. It is very helpful as I navigate the treacherous NC waters with NPD as we share children and must communicate.

I have put into practice the "wait twelve hours and then reply tersely with no emotion" rule. Ignore completely anything that is irrelevant and designed to lure me in.


I ignored completely her long text telling me her schedule with regard to her time with the kids.

I have informed her numerous times that I have created a Google calendar and she needs to learn how to use it.

Thus no need to respond at all.

Texted me this morning asking how are the kids. No response from me until eight hours later, when I informed her (tersely) that our son is sick and I am picking him up early from camp.

She followed this asking how one of our dogs is. Irrelevant. No response from me.

So it's like I've created in my mind three bins:

Reply tersely
Reply tersley much later
Don't reply at all

Nature_Girl posted 7/30/2013 17:09 PM

Something that has helped me, and I can only do this when the kids aren't around, is scream out "FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!". It's super cathartic.

Absolutely none of the things you shared here from him require a response from you. If I were in your place the only thing I'd do would be to forward those communications to my lawyer. Eventually those kind of abusive communications would have enough collective weight to merit a legal response. In the mean time I'd continue to have my child ready for the regularly scheduled visitation time. I'd not remind the Narc that the time is here, I'd just have the child ready to go. If the Narc chooses not to show up & be a dad, so be it. That's HIS choice, not mine. I did my job (have the child ready).

meaniemouse posted 7/30/2013 17:29 PM

Tryto--your ex can only bully and berate you if you believe what he has to say and take his words to heart. He can blame you for his choices but you don't need to accept it. Your son is only 2 years old so you have many, many more years to deal with it so the sooner you can get a plan you can stick to the better. You have to stop engaging him because that opens the door for more crap from him.

Telling him to stick to certain types of messages only allows him to attack you. If you object to him refusing to take your son on his scheduled days--again, it opens you up to more verbal abuse as does answering his request for make-up time.

Defending yourself against his claims that you are a liar and a manipulator only gives him additional paths of communication.

Spending a year working on sane responses to an insane situation seems like a long time spent with little or no relief.

Respond only to his messages that have to do with your son and with as few words as possible. Don't get into a war of words with him; don't respond to his bullying or when he says bad things about you or your parents. Don't say anything to him about his bad choices or what he's done. It's water under the bridge now.

If he doesn't get to see his son for 23 days--it's HIS loss. I know you probably worry about your son's feelings--but at age 2 he would probably rather be with you anyway.

Seriously--limit the amount of words you write to him. The less words you say the better. For example:

Him: It's not my responsibility to get son back on schedule so I will not be picking him up this week. That's your problem so you deal with it.

You: Ok. Son will be ready (whenever next scheduled visitation is).

Him: You're such a manipulative bitch. You know I could take him just as soon as he's back on schedule. I need my time with him.

You: Your days with him are______ this week. If you choose not to pick him up at that time son will see you at (the next scheduled time).

Him: If you would take him on a suitable vacation this would not happen.

You: Silence.

Him: If you spent as much time with him as your parents this wouldn't be a problem.

You: Silence.

Him: You know he cries at daycare because he has had such a good time with me.

You: Silence.

Him: You don't care about anyone but yourself; anyone can see he is better off with me.

You: Silence.

I know it's hard and you are hurting not just for you but for your innocent child who doesn't deserve this kind of situation. I was married to someone a lot like your ex. He did some of the same things and was successful in making me feel like a victim. It stopped when I realized that he could stomp around and say anything he wanted but I didn't have to listen and it certainly didn't make it true.

When I finally could look at the situation a little more objectively it used to make me laugh at how angry he must have been to be spewing all that awful stuff at me with no more audience to appreciate it. I kind of envisioned him as that little boy in "Where the Wild Things Are" having a tantrum and causing a big loud rumpus with all the terrible creatures.

Hopefully you can eventually step outside the shit storm he is trying to send your way and see him for the spoiled, immature, damaged person he is. Don't let him steal your sunshine. Life is too short.

Titanium posted 7/30/2013 17:51 PM

NG I know exactly how incredibly frustrating it is to have, unfortunately, a NPD still in your life.

I booted mine out 5 weeks ago. I had had ENOUGH. He stiffed out the OW a week later and i found out yesterday that they are now shacked up together.

I am left to sell the house etc while he love bombs her. I was texting him in the beginning so he could help with getting the house ready for sale but no reply..........he came around once with his boohoo attitude that he was lonely and sad but denied he was with her.......gotta love the lies......when i revealed truthful info i got the typical rage and all the NPD crap they dish out.

He started to flaunt his actions with her on facebook and my son saw it. He is 18 but has autism so i went into battle.

I read and read and READ about NPD. Blocked him on FB from me and my son. Changed phone numbers etc. Went total NC not just for my healing but to protect my son.

My son has had 1 physical visit and all WH did was sing a pity song and run me down. That was it. No more.

As hard as it is for me because all i want to do is give him a mouthful i know you cannot win with NPD'S. SO......the total NC is a brilliant way to play them at their own game.

I know it is different because your child is under 18 but i would try very hard to do NC. See if you can get someone else to communicate for you and if by chance you have to communicate with IT only email. Make it only abd i mean only about your child. Be very matter of fact. No emotion. Ignore anything he says about yoy. The blameshifting, manipulation etc. You know what they are like......DELUDED.

E.g. visit dates. Pick up drop off times etc. Not his business where u holiday. I find no response unless its about business with your son is completely irrelevant and unnecessary. He knows what buttons to push with you and look how he STILL takes your energy.

You have more control than you realise. Use your smarts girlfriend. :-)

Your son lives with you. YOU are his primary carer. You set it up with your lawyer what works best for the emotional stability for your son and if the ex doesnt like it....TOUGH.....dont give him ANYMORE if your precious energy......he had his chance and blew it. Sever that cord that he keeps pulling on and you will feel so much better.

Shame on him for using you son to hurt you.

Stay strong sista.......silence is golden!

Kajem posted 7/30/2013 18:09 PM

Did you marry my x? Seriously , your son sounds more mature.

If you wrestle with a pig, you get dirty and the pig enjoys it. Just because he is a pig-doesn't mean you need to meet him on his level. Don't play his diarrhea of the mouth game- it doesn't just give you bad breath.

If it upsets you to read the diarhea that spews from his lips, is there someone you can trust to read them, and let you know if there is something that needs a response?

When you respond, do not address his diarrhea , it stinks and it may be waist high. Let him wallow in it, he is choosing to stay mired in crap. The crap gets deeper each time he spews diarrhea in your direction.

When you answer only respond to his questions. If there isn't a question-there is no need to answer.

If you need to ask him something ask it without any/much emotion or information/justification on your part. And give him a deadline telling him IF you don't hear from him by time mm/dd/year, you will assume he is in agreement with you and_______(whatever course of action you decide).

It sucks, but keeping the toxic away from you helps you heal. And a healed mommy is better for your kid.



missmydogs posted 7/30/2013 19:25 PM

There is a program called Our family wizard. Here's a link to it.

I highly recommend it when dealing with an abusive fuckwad.

Titanium posted 7/31/2013 17:28 PM

Apologies i addressed my post reply with the incorrect username.

(((((Hugs trytoletgo))))))) :-)

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