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He wants to take a break...

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Survivor3512 posted 7/30/2013 10:34 AM

My SO and I have been having issues lately. I feel like he's been distant and pushing me away. We've been together around 2 months. Things were great at first, but he's been having issues at work and with his family the past few weeks and I can feel him pulling away. We spent this past weekend together and had a really good time. But, I noticed he took his phone into the bathroom with him when he'd shower. This bothered me bc it's not something he's done with me before. So, I asked him about it. We talked about it- he was not defensive and offered to let me look at it. I said no. I thought we were ok. But, he's been even more distant since then. Last night when we talked he told me that he felt like I didn't trust him and he needed to take a break. He said he was stressed and overwhelmed and needed time to think about what he wants.

I don't know what to think. I'm hurt and confused. He texted me this big long explanation this morning about how I was so great and wonderful and just a better person than him and he wants to protect me from his lack of direction (same crap wxh said to me when he left). He doesn't want to break up, but just take time off and slow things way down. I don't know.

Am I being overly sensitive here? Should I just go with the flow? Or next him and be done with this situation? I feel very conflicted.

lieshurt posted 7/30/2013 10:40 AM

I could understand slowing things down. However, since you said this:

But, I noticed he took his phone into the bathroom with him when he'd shower. This bothered me bc it's not something he's done with me before.

It makes me think he's keeping you as a Plan B backup instead.

And no, I don't think you are being too sensitive. I'd next him.

Williesmom posted 7/30/2013 10:42 AM

IMHO, he's showing you who he is. He has doubts. He's trying to pin the "taking of the phone to the bathroom" on you, when he's the one that did it.

Step away. Don't beg him to be with you. It's only been 2 months, and you're having issues already? This should still be the "best behavior" phase of the relationship.

Good luck.

Crescita posted 7/30/2013 10:46 AM

(((Survivor)))

What do you want? It sounds like he isn't up for the task of a committed relationship right now. If you want one, it might be better to put this one behind you for awhile, heal, and start fresh.

Catwoman posted 7/30/2013 11:34 AM

First of all, two months in is not long, and it certainly could be rushing things to be SOs to each other.

That being said, if you do have an agreement to be exclusive, I would find this behavior troubling. If you have no such agreement and just "assume" exclusivity, it doesn't make his behavior all that much better, but he would have an out in that you hadn't both agreed on the nature of the relationship.

People who are serious about each other don't take breaks--they work through their feelings alone or with you.

I look at the two month timeframe and I am thinking that he just isn't into you. Space is for astronauts. I would let him have all the space he could ever want--permanently.

Cat

tabitha95 posted 7/30/2013 11:44 AM

He doesn't want to break up, but just take time off and slow things way down. I don't know.

Anytime a "break" is suggested, I think it's because there are bigger doubts and they just don't want to break up because there isn't anything specific. But maybe just not the connection that they are looking for.

I take a "break" as it being over.

torn2bits posted 7/30/2013 12:17 PM

(((Survivor)))

From what you said it sounds like "survivor, you hang out here for abit while I check out this girl I just met and if that doesn't work out we can come back from our break"

Its only been 2 months. No need to waste time on someone who is not into being with you. He wants to take a break already, jeez.

I believe you are both on different paying fields about what you want. It seems as though you are plan B, because he feels obligated in some way to keep you around and even have you as Plan B.

Next!

lonelylost posted 7/30/2013 12:39 PM

That phone in the shower thing is definitely a huge red flag. I don't believe anyone that offers their phone to check it after the fact...of course they could have deleted things.

Last night when we talked he told me that he felt like I didn't trust him and he needed to take a break.

There really can be only two options after this point: either the other person feels not trusted and wants to do all they can to get your trust or the other person feels not trusted and doesn't want to work on it. Flees. What would a break do?

He doesn't want to break up, but just take time off and slow things way down.

IDK, when I hear things like this it makes me wonder if they don't want to lose connection with you, but also have weekends/time open for more dating.

Did you guys have an exclusive agreement?

I say go with the flow, BUT do your own thing. Don't follow up on him or ask him what he is doing. When he texts, don't be so eager and quick to follow up. Let him know you're busy too. Do things with your friends. Don't say "no" to someone else walking into your life as well. See how things go.
Good luck! Dating sucks!! lol

sparkysable posted 7/30/2013 14:13 PM

"survivor, you hang out here for abit while I check out this girl I just met and if that doesn't work out we can come back from our break"
Ditto this!

I'm always suspicious of the wanting to "take a break". It never just means that.

And most normal people don't react with "we need to take a break" when you ask them a simple question, such as "what's with taking your phone into the john w/you?"

Survivor3512 posted 7/30/2013 15:47 PM

Thank you so much for the replies. We are/were exclusive. I agree we may have rushed a bit, but I don't get the break. Slowing down- sure, I can see that.

I'm not really worried about the phone thing. He explained it and I have no reason to not trust him. He has not lied to or misled me as far as I know.

I also know he has a lot of work stress right now with a huge project, some pretty major issues with his oldest daughter, and he's buying a house. So, I get he may be overwhelmed and stressed. But, should his reaction be to have a 'break' with me? We've only been together a couple months, so I get that I shouldn't expect a whole lot here, but shouldn't I expect something?

This is my first relationship post divorce, so I don't know what to expect. Even after saying he wants a break, he still said he wants to talk to me and has texted me several times today. Is that a break? It's weird and I don't get it.

Advice and/or 2x4s welcome.

Random thoughts posted 7/30/2013 16:08 PM

If this is how he reacts to stress by pulling away now, this what your will be every time there is a bump in the road him withdrawing into himself.

Which makes you nervous and doubtful about yourself and this relationship.

Sorry but grabbing your phone to the bathroom is a RED FLAG, what reason would you need to talk the bathroom that couldn't be said in the same room as you?

And after the fact, when you mention it he offers to show you the phone while making you feel guilty "saying you have trust issues "...

sparkysable posted 7/30/2013 16:36 PM

I was seeing a guy, and every time he came over, he left his phone in the car.

My friends told me I was overreacting.

Turns out, he was still boinking his ex wife.

Crescita posted 7/30/2013 16:49 PM

Even after saying he wants a break, he still said he wants to talk to me and has texted me several times today. Is that a break? It's weird and I don't get it.

I think you need to discuss what you each hope to achieve from this break and set some boundaries. If the break is just to take some time to sort through feelings I would think no contact for a set amount of time and an agreement not to see other people would be in order. If you just accept any scrap he gives you and it is all on his terms you set a horrible precedent if you do get back together.

better4me posted 7/30/2013 17:01 PM

big long explanation this morning about how I was so great and wonderful and just a better person than him and he wants to protect me from his lack of direction
When someone says something like this, I take them at their word...you are wonderful and better than he is and he knows it. I don't think it is about him not being "into you" I think it is about him realizing he isn't good enough for you.

I'm so sorry that it is the same explanation you got from your wxh...but remember it is about THEM and not about you. I learned a lot from my first post divorce relationship. And when it ended I learned more. I wouldn't accept a "break" with this guy, I'd just end it. It will hurt. You will heal. You will be okay!

I.will.survive posted 7/30/2013 18:41 PM

I'm going to be honest with my first thoughts as I read this because your 2nd reply indicated you wanted to hear some truth.

My gut reaction is he is having doubts about being exclusive with you.

He likes you, therefore he doesn't want to break up. But it's likely there is someone else on the phone.

He offered it to you because he deleted the evidence.

You aren't being overly sensitive. He should be turning to YOU during this time of stress so that you can help him through it.

Part of his stress is potentially juggling a new relationship while protecting you "just in case" the new interest isn't worth it.

I hope I am 100% wrong. But that's how it read to me.

hurtinky posted 7/30/2013 19:32 PM

I call BS on his explanation.

I'd give him all the time in the world, like, forever.

Next.

Confused1829 posted 7/30/2013 22:17 PM

Well jeez, I know we've all been cheated on but I don't think that's necessarily someone else on his phone. For example, I know it's weird but sometimes I take my phone with me to the bathroom, cause I don't want people reading texts that I may have sent to friends about my life in general (my stomach is killing me, I really fucked up today at work, my mom is annoying me) or a calendar reminder (get to the gym fatty alarm clock!) or even texts about them (IE he's cute, or I dont know if I like him, what do I say about xyz). It really could be anything. I'm a private person, but I'm not a cheater.

Having said that, he says he wants a break. I just told my bf that I wanted a break too. So, the truth is probably this (speaking from my recent experience):

He DOES care for you, but he doesn't want to commit. He's having doubts for one reason or another. He doesn't want to end things entirely, either cause he wants to shop around, or he thinks things might get better, or he doesn't want to hurt you. The point is he has enough doubt to tell you that he needs a break. This early on. I think that's a sign. Anyone who wants to take a break, this early on, isn't in it for the long haul.

It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, or you're a bad catch. It's either bad timing or it's just not there between you two. And ya know what? That's ok. The mature, and probably easiest thing for both of you in the long run, is to end things now before you get deeper in and it's harder to end.

Biggest thing I've learned in my adult life post D: You don't need a definite 'reason' for a relationship to end. Don't wait for the canyon to go off. If one or both parties are just not feeling it or not that sure, especially early on, don't wait for a glaring sign to validate the concern. Cause in the meantime, one is trying desperately to make it work, while the other is looking for reasons for it to end. That can't end well, for anyone.

I mean that with a lot of love and respect! I'm looking out for your heart :) Good luck!

Undefinabl3 posted 7/31/2013 08:02 AM

While I do not know how intense your relationship is....2 months seems pretty soon to need a break.

Also, it seems pretty odd that if he really did like you, pulling away when the going gets tough is not a quality I would want in an exclusive partner.

Too_Trusting posted 7/31/2013 09:11 AM

I'm going in a different direction with this phone thing. Sounds like a manipulative test to me; not unlike one my ExH pulled with me.

He offered to show you the phone. This was a test. He figured you would say no, so the risk was small. But, if you had said yes, he would have been horrified and hurt and probably said something along the lines of "I can't believe you don't trust me!! OMG, I don't really know you at all, and I think I need some time and space to think this over."

You didn't "fail" the test, so he's executed the second part of the manipulation anyway - needing "time and space" to keep you in line. If you are afraid of LOSING him, he can keep you from questioning him further.

Before my own DDay, I my exH had a trip planned to Germany with his best guy friend. (Was business trip for friend). About 5 days before he was scheduled to leave, I found all kinds of searches on his computer for prostitutes in Germany and all over Europe. I confronted him. He was VERY contrite and said that he was just goofing around and let his curiosity get the best of him. Smooth as silk, he was, and convincing because he was a master at manipulation (I now know).

The master manipulation move was to offer to cancel his trip. He KNEW I wouldn't let him do it. It would have cost a ton of $$ for the non-refundable ticket, along with horrible embarrassment with our friends (we were BFF with the COUPLE, so the wife was also my BF).

But do you see how I played right into his hands??? He went on the trip. Banged hookers all over Europe, and I was none the wiser.

I may be completely off-base here, but my gut is SCREAMING that your sitch is very similar to mine.

I'm in the "next" camp, myself. Sorry, survivor.

[This message edited by Too_Trusting at 9:12 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

Survivor3512 posted 7/31/2013 09:38 AM

I so appreciate all the replies! I haven't decided what I want to do yet and this is all great food for thought. Thanks so much!!

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