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Am I holding him back???

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BeyondBreaking posted 7/30/2013 10:41 AM

In part of his cheating, fiance admitted that he fantisizes about having a threesome. He said that every guy has those fantisies, etc... Of course I am NOT okay with that, to which he replied that he knows, and he's fine with not having one.

Sometimes, when I am feeling insecure, I wonder HOW fine he is with not having one. Is it really fine?

Does anyone here have fantisies that they would never act on because their partner is absolutely not okay with it? Is it fine, or do you end up resenting your partner for it?

huRtZ413 posted 7/30/2013 10:50 AM

Sure but its a make believe in my head because I know the outcome is disastrous and I don't want that bad enough to risk my husbands self esteem .....though he acted on his without my consent.

huRtZ413 posted 7/30/2013 10:52 AM

And no I don't resent it at all because its unrealistic because if he had the same fantasy I would not be ok with it .... Weird I know. Also again he acted on his though

ArableSands posted 7/30/2013 11:07 AM

BeyondBreaking it's totally fine.

I can say that with some authority because I have a rich sexual fantasy life. While things were pre-cheating, I didn't mind at all that my wife and I stuck to fairly vanilla (but very fun) sex. We did some fantasy stuff with each other, but never crossed the line into actual threesomes or kink or whatever.

It's okay because I was with the person whom I loved, and that made the sex so much better. Exploring beyond the usual boundaries HAS to be done with my partner's agreement, otherwise there's no point. For example, if I wanted a threesome, my wife would HAVE to be in it, and she'd have to agree to it, openly.

BeyondBreaking posted 7/30/2013 11:29 AM

I know he wouldn't do it, because I have said no and I'm not okay with it. We never ever speak about it.

I guess I'm just scared that he will become resentful that I said no. Or bored. Or feel like, "I'm stuck with this and not completely satisfied because I don't get to do something I visualize." he says he's satisfied and happy, and that it's fine. Is it really? If he continues to think about and "want" to do it, is it really fine that he isn't getting to?

I don't really have sexual fantisies, so I don't know.

What I do know is that I am hurt and offended that he would even visualize someone else in bed other than me. I have never done that since dating him. I just don't get it at all, and it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

BFFGone posted 7/30/2013 12:24 PM

Holding him back?
An overrated fantasy compared to a loving relationship with a good woman??
He's lucky to have YOU!

ArableSands posted 7/30/2013 12:25 PM

I hear you BeyondBreaking, I really do.

For what it's worth, even if your husband is visualizing someone else in bed he's ultimately still WITH YOU. Men (and women) sometimes play out fantasies in their heads during sex. It's not unusual or unhealthy, so long as the actual CONNECTION being made is with you.

While (pre-cheating) my wife was all I ever wanted in bed with me, I would occasionally imagine a threesome. It was fun. And we had a good enough sex life to talk about it, play with it. We'd never actually have a threesome though. Fantasy is healthy, so long as you stay within the boundaries that everyone requires.

BeyondBreaking posted 7/30/2013 12:43 PM

With all do respect, I don't think him thinking about having a threesome during sex with me is "fun." I find it offensive and it makes me feel not good enough. Might be fun for him- but IMO, if he fantasizes about anything or anyone other than me, it is cheating at this point.

Earlier in the relationship, I wouldn't have cared as much. Now that he has gone outside my boundaries? Boundaries got a heck of a lot more restrictive. He so much as even has a hot dream about someone else and I am furious. Unhealthy? Yes. But the bottom line is it makes me completely feel like I'm not good enough when he thinks about other women. And that behavior is what got him cheating in the first place.

Rebreather posted 7/30/2013 12:48 PM

Let's extend your fear to its fullest.

He becomes unhappy with you because you won't have a threesome. You are warm, loving, receptive, responsive, you initiate sex, you are great at BJs, whatever. You are a good mother, a good partner, you listen, you are best friends.

And he cheats on you again because you won't have a threesome.

Really? You want to be with that guy?

Play this fear all the way out to see it makes no sense, and therefore, is nothing to be afraid of. What you fear is that you cannot control your WS. That is something all us BSs must learn and accept. Once you do, it frees you incredibly.

t/j: I disagree heartily that fantasizing about someone else while in bed with your partner is healthy. I believe it is the killer of true intimacy. But that is maybe a topic for another thread.

[This message edited by Rebreather at 12:49 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

BeyondBreaking posted 7/30/2013 12:49 PM

Thank you for that perspective. I needed to hear that today.

Sometimes my worries are my own worse enemy.


Rebreather posted 7/30/2013 12:50 PM

Sometimes my worries are my own worse enemy.

Trust me. I know.

confused615 posted 7/30/2013 12:51 PM

" I disagree heartily that fantasizing about someone else while in bed with your partner is healthy. I believe it is the killer of true intimacy."


And for a WS to "play out fantasies" in his head while having sex with his wife..after an NOT ok. Of course,we have no control over that,but if I were to find out my WH was fantasizing about fucking someone else while he's having sex with me? I'd be out the door before he lost his erection.

hotcoffee posted 7/30/2013 13:04 PM

If i am understanding correctly, I think I agree with Arable. This is not about actions, it's about thoughts in a man's head. You can't just turn off what turns you on - in your brain. You can decide how you will act. What turns you on is not completely in your control. What you do is totally in your control. This is about boundaries but boundaries that are possible.

Lonelygirl10 posted 7/30/2013 13:25 PM

I think the issue should be whether you're comfortable being with someone who has those fantasies. Everyone will probably have different viewpoints on whether that's ok or not. What really matters is what you think.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you can't control his thoughts. If you believe that he will never act on it, then you have to decide whether his actions are enough and whether the possibility of him having those thoughts will bother you. If you're going to be worried about him having those thoughts, is it worth it to you to stay in that relationship?

Also, you ask if you're holding him back. Think of it this way... He's a grown man and he is capable of deciding whether he wants you or he wants a threesome. It's his decision if he chooses you. There is a possibility that he will resent you, but there's risk in every relationship.

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