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The sky has officially fallen

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regret75 posted 7/30/2013 10:43 AM

I am super new at this and don't know the abbreviations but I need help so I'm just gonna post. Maybe I'll get the hang of the abbreviations down the line.

I cheated on my wife. I began an emotional affair with a woman over the internet in January 2012. I left my wife almost immediately. I was telling myself then that meeting this woman was not an affair, my marriage was a mess, I needed to get out of it and be happy blah blah poor me blah.

I talked bad about my wife to friends in family. Told them all she was lazy, didn't take care of the kids right, house was always a disgusting mess, she didn't work, she didn't love me and was not affectionate for years, etc.

I need to also say I am an alcoholic and have lived a lie for YEARS. I was always pretending to be something I'm not (ie successful, good guy, happy)

I was a terrible husband to my wife the last few years before my affair. She was severely depressed and battling her own addiction issues after having 13 surgeries in 5 years and developing a pain pill addiction. I viewed her sedentary lifestyle as an awful choice she made instead of being there for her and helping her. I was way too wrapped up in my own selfish life to be of any use to her.

So she endured all my anger and selfishness because she loved me.

After I left her at the end of January 2012 things intensified with the other woman. She lived far away. I began sleeping with my wife and spending time with her, but at the same time I met the other woman over a weekend in March 2012. We were physical.

I was spiraling out of control. Drinking myself to death. More depressed than I've ever been in my life. My wife knew about the other woman in February and asked who she was. I told her all these wonderful things about this woman and how she was gonna make me happy. My wife still fought hard to win me back.

On 4/29/2012 I got drunk (shocker) and decided to finally kill myself. I intentionally ran my car off the road to try and hit a light pole. I was so drunk I missed. By about 6 inches. I got arrested.

After I got out of jail my wife was there for me. I checked into a rehab (and have been sober for almost 15 months as of now)

While in rehab my wife found out we were losing our house. I had hidden from her the fact of how bad off our finances were. My wife and kids moved in with me to the small apt I got when I initially left her.
She lost her home and still stayed with me.

She began to suspect that I met and slept with the other woman. I flat out denied it. For months. While newly sober I was still communicating with the other woman - trying to get myself out of my relationship with her but still being friendly - I was TERRIFIED she would tell my wife about us meeting.

I also looked on craigslist at women seeking men adds and checked out dating sites. Had a couple small communications as a result of that but never acted on anything.

Towards the end of July 2012 I decided I had really been an awful husband - all this running around talking to other women was ridiculous - I understood I loved my wife and would only be happy by being the best husband I could be. I severed ALL ties with every other woman - no more internet shit, texts, phone calls. NOTHING. I was done and wanted to be a good man.

However I still stuck to my story with my wife about never meeting the other woman.

Then one day in October 2012 it all came crashing down, She told me that if I didn't tell her the truth and someday she found out - she would be gone. So I told her.

But I didn't tell her everything. I told her I slept with her on the Saturday of that March weekend in 2012. I didn't tell her I also met the other woman that Friday and she gave me oral sex in a car in a parking lot - classy right? God I hate myself.

So months go by - my wife is devastated and amazingly agrees to give us another chance. I become a model husband - I know after reading all this you probably don't believe it - but I did.

Recently she has been communicating with the other woman. They discuss the affair. My wife says it is helping her heal getting all the dirty details. The other woman tells my wife we met that Friday my wife knew nothing about. She asked me about it - I immediately deny it -then immediately recant because I know it's out there now - no going back. I never wanted her to know about the Friday episode because telling her about having sex with the woman on Saturday hurt her enough.

I put a spin on everything about the affair from the beginning. I tried to minimize shit. In essence - I lied by omission by justifying it in my own mind that she knew enough.

In doing this she is rehurt like the affair happened yesterday.

There was also another couple smaller lies I got caught in because of her communication with the other woman. - Things like when we first starting talking on the phone, etc - but my reaction was STILL to stick to my story - although I did again immediately recant and confirm the truth. Not that by confirming it I did some grand honest gesture. I just knew it was done.

I know this is long and I've actually left a few things out I think - but in summation:

I basically had the long distance affair for 5-6 months total - with one of those weekends being physical.

I dabbled in dating sites and online crap but never followed up.

I lost our home.

I never gave my wife the whole truth and she has had to pull it out of me or get it somewhere else piece by piece for over a year.

She will never trust me again.

I have hurt her over and over.

I have no idea what to do.

Oh - one more thing - she is POSITIVE I got oral sex from this girl that worked at a bar I went to when I was drinking. Nothing ever happened with that girl - not a kiss - NOTHING. But because of my dishonest history my wife can not believe I didn't touch her.

Sorry this is so long. I feel like hell rereading it. I have really worked hard to try and become a good man. My sobriety has been key. I have not entertained the thought of other women since I decided to become the husband I should have been all along. I love my wife. I am losing her. I am too late and I am heartbroken. I hate myself.

[This message edited by regret75 at 10:48 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

bionicgal posted 7/30/2013 11:37 AM

I am a BS - not sure if I can post here.
Stay on SI, though. Get stronger. See a counselor and read some books. Your life didn't become a mess overnight, and it is going to take time to fix it, but self-pity is not the answer. Self-pity got you here. It is time to find your inner strength and get better for you, and if your wife can wait, then all the better. But, this is your one life you've been given, man. Hang in there an dig for that inner strength; you have it.

uncertainone posted 7/30/2013 11:45 AM

The sky hasn't fallen. The ground you've traveled has just caught up with you. It tends to do that, you know.

Good news about your sobriety. I'm hoping it's genuine and not the dry drunk kind...replacing one fucked coping skill for another.

One thing you need to understand. The new information didn't "rehurt" her. It was a fresh deep wound. I HATE the term trickle truth. I don't understand why some words get so maligned yet others that seem just...well, stupid, don't. It ain't trickle truth, people. The truth doesn't trickle. IT'S LYING!! It's fucking lying. But I digest (thank you Peter Griffen)

She felt hope and started to trust you and you were lying to her. I know you can see that. Regret, you are going to have to conquer fear and in the meantime learn how to get comfortable with it. You've become quite good at avoiding it using substances and people to mask it. Your sobriety was a huge first step. Going NC with the OW another one. Now you're naked and exposed. No distracting vices. Start to acclimate to letting fear lap at your toes, then ankles, then waist. It will sting at first and then you'll start to get used to it. Dog paddling will help you stay afloat and finally you'll swim through it like it's...well...water.

Don try and grab for those flaming floating devices like lies, people, booze, whatever else. They won't save you and you'll burn as you drown. Just keep swimming and be honest and truthful. It's the only way through this shit. You've proven you've got the chops. 15 month sobriety is no small thing.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 11:46 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

regret75 posted 7/30/2013 11:53 AM

bionicgal - I have been the king of self pity for years and you are totally right. Thank you for your input.

uncertainone - I'm very active in AA and definitely not a dry drunk - although at my worst self pity/loathing moments I do revert to those behaviors for sure. It's easy to fall off my program sometimes when I feel realy bad. I don't drink over it, but I certainly don't practice the principles of AA all the time in those moments either.

And you're right - I was lying to her and I do see it. Thank you for your advice. It's been hard learning how to be the 'real me' when I never knew who the real me was. Being exposed is pretty terrifying.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 7/30/2013 12:48 PM

Self pity, IMHO, is one on the most destructive character defects a person can have. It keeps you locked in the guilt, shame spiral.
It keeps the victim mentality alive and well.
It is really fucking hard to get out of. But it is possible. I broke the habit. It took more self awareness than I knew I was capable of
And it was as simple(not easy) as breaking the habit. Being aware when self pity would start to take over and letting it go.
Sounds easier than it was!!
However, now I can look back and see how it affected SO much of my life.
(I posted this, this morning on another thread)

Congrats on 15 months, that's a long time.

It's been hard learning how to be the 'real me' when I never knew who the real me was. Being exposed is pretty terrifying.

You are so right!
But as you progress in recovery and dig past all the bullshit, it'll get easier.
I'm in a different fellowship. I've got 20 months. It's been an amazing Journey
I love recovery!!

libertyrocks posted 7/30/2013 14:32 PM

I'm so proud of you for not drinking. That in itself, is huge!! And, also for finally telling her everything.

It's really amazing that you "get it." Good luck on your journey.

RightTrack posted 7/30/2013 23:02 PM

It sounds like there are plenty of rays of light coming through that sky. Your BW is going to be hurt with the whole truth but GET IT OUT. When you do, look at your current life. You might find that you are now a better husband than you have ever been.

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