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Should I just ask?

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itsovernow posted 7/30/2013 10:55 AM

I have a husband of 19 years that I have had suspicions over. Last year he came home with what looked like red lipstick on his undies. Well I can't say he came home with them but he pointed them out to me. My guess is because he thought that I had already seen them?
I don't know if I had mentioned this last year but I had another suspicion that he had cheated in 2001-02 with our neighbor at the time. Here's a little background on the situation at the time. I was pregnant with my second child. We had moved into a rental home and there was a 19 year old girl that lived next door with her mother and her little 1 year old daughter. I didn't know it was the 19 year olds until later. Anyway, she, the 19 year old, would play with her daughter and my 6 year old son outside on our swingset and my husband came to me and said some girl was playing with my son. I was like, "good, he found a friend." He was quick to point out that she was older. I jokingly asked if she wss blonde. I really didn't think much of it until a few months later. I was sitting up in bed, the moonlight was pouring through the window and he was sound asleep. I hadn't yet fallen asleep. I hear him say the name, "H" in his sleep.(abbreviation for real name) I confronted him about it and he said that he didn't say that. I must have been dreaming. Forget the fact that I had heard him say it. His theory is if he didn't hear himself say it, it didn't happen. We went back and forth on this and I gave up. A couple months later I was in my yard and that cute baby girl was out there with her grandmother. I said aww what a cute baby, she said," oh, she isn't mine its my daughter, H's." Things that make you go hmmmm...
Fast forward to today. This stuff has haunted me and with some investigative tactics I have found this woman on facebook. I really really want to know...I'm OCD I cannot go on with life without knowing, but I have no idea how to approach this. Please help.

hotcoffee posted 7/30/2013 11:10 AM

Are you planning to ask your husband or the girl? You don't think anything is going on between them now right? I think the advice here is the OW's lie so don't bother asking. But maybe the 32 year old version may feel like being honest.

itsovernow posted 7/30/2013 11:13 AM

No, I've already confronted my husband, this has been one of those things that has haunted our marriage. I don't think that there is anything going on now. She seems like a decent person. She is married and has more children. I have no anger towards her because she isn't the one that promised to be faithful to me.

hotcoffee posted 7/30/2013 11:19 AM

Okay. So what are her possible responses? She could ignore you. She could truthfully tell you no. She could lie and tell you no. Or she could confirm your suspicions. I think I would just ask. But I have a feeling others will be along with different perspectives.

itsovernow posted 7/30/2013 11:25 AM

I don't know how to ask. She lives pretty close to me. She cuts hair. I've had a couple ideas on how I could go about this. I made a Facebook account in my husbands name... I could be like, "hey, remember me, we hooked up?" ...

sunflowergirl30 posted 7/30/2013 11:25 AM

I asked and asked and got nothing but lies and made to feel I was crazy...until i looked through his cell a few weeks later and bam. he couldnt deny any longer. all the proof I needed. id be surprised if your wh came clean. seems most dont. thats what cheaters do...lie tell theres no turning back

sunflowergirl30 posted 7/30/2013 11:27 AM

the mow might "seem" nice. nice people dont mess with other peoples spouses. the mow in my situation was nice until i got in her way of screwing my wh and told her bh. then not so nice. didnt like her life turned upside down.

hotcoffee posted 7/30/2013 11:32 AM

I don't like the fake facebook idea. It seems creepy.

Just thinking about 19-year old me and 32-year old me (although both of those ages seem like a long time ago now) If someone out of my past contacted me with a straightforward question, I'd probably be willing to give an honest answer. Of course, I never had an affair with a married person at age 19! But I think if you tell her you are just seeking the truth and looking for some closure, she might be willing to give you that. After all, she made a youthful indiscretion while your husband cheated on you. (Again, I know this isn't completely true, but I'm trying to imagine her reaction to your question.)

itsovernow posted 7/30/2013 11:35 AM

Sunflower, I understand what you are saying but since its been so long, I thought this woman may actually come clean to me. I've thought about approaching it a couple different ways. 1. I could tell her my ex-husband admitted it and 1. she'll confirm it or 2. look at me like I'm crazy.
I've thought about facebooking her in my husbands name. I have made a special fb account just for him. there are no relatives or friends on it and he doesn't fb anyway.

itsovernow posted 7/30/2013 11:39 AM

hotcoffee, creepy...I guess I have to be a little creepy to deal with my creepy husband. Cheating aside, he hasn't been an angel, but thats all in my first post over a year ago.

I have a facebook account already made for him. I put some pretty pics and joined a nice little Bible group. This girl seems to have a religious aspect to her as well. I guess my creepy meter is at an all time high...what can I say. I'm desperate.

hotcoffee posted 7/30/2013 12:58 PM

Maybe creepy was the wrong word. If you want honesty, I just feel you are better off not tricking her into revealing the truth. Let's assume she's happily married and a reformed woman. Do you think she'd be happy to hear from an old lover from an embarrassing youthful indiscretion? I'd like to think she'd ignore "him".

itsovernow posted 7/31/2013 13:50 PM

Hotcoffee,I've thought about that too. I guess I was hoping she'd say something like, "what or who" you know?

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