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I think I blew it. I was doing really good at minimum contact ( we have kids),  for the past month. As some of you know, I've been really struggling these last couple of weeks. But I managed to keep it to myself. Only venting to friends and family and posting and my IC.

Yesterday morning, I had a conversation with the ex (via text), it started out about the kids, I don't recall how it went to he next subject ( I just know I initiated it), but I told her I was sad and struggling because I knew she was over me. She replied that she is ready to move on.

So I replied that I love her, wish her he best, want her to be happy, and I'll move on. To be honest, I would have tried to work it out right then and there if she would have offered. I was that low.

Later that evening, we had some emails, basically I didn't want to sign up for a marathon without knowing if she was(trying to avoid an awkward situation), the emails were pretty impersonal.

The thing is, now I feel really low. I feel a loss of dignity. I feel like I blew it, like I gave her the upper hand of some game. But is this a game? I just feel like when I talk to her, I do everything wrong. But it takes a discipline that I'm slowly developing to keep my emotions in check and keep the conversation just about the kids....

I can't stop beating myself up about this.

[This message edited by Running the Race at 11:45 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

But is this a game?

It's not a game. It's your life. You are at a low point in your life right now, so you have doubts about everything you are doing.

The A hits us to our self-esteem.

It's OK if you looked weak, etc... but just next time you are about to say/act a certain way, remember how you are feeling now, and try not to make the same mistake.

Don't let this set you back. There will be ups and downs during this whole process. The ups are really just making it through the day unscathed emotionally. The downs are as low as it will get.

Eventually your ups and downs will be on a different scale and the ups will be wonderful and the downs will just be little blips.

RunningtheRace,

Don't beat yourself up. Get back up, dust yourself off, and go back to NC. Sometimes it helps me to have a mantra when I'm feeling the way you describe. I try to repeat to myself "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter." Nothing I say or do matters. It won't change anything.

Sometimes I just have to ride out the feelings and know I'm going to be miserable and uncomfortable a little while but the feelings will eventually pass.

Sharing any emotion with your ex isn't going to do anything except make you more upset...so it's like hitting your head against the wall. Eventually you will remember the feeling you get after you've done it. The problem is that when you are in a weak place and are feeling vulnerable, it doesn't matter how many times you hit your head...you want go through that wall again. You can say out loud...I'm not going to hit my head against the wall again. Lock in the way you feel right now after expressing yourself to her....try to remember that you aren't going to get the response you are looking for. It's not you....she just isn't capable of giving you and your kids what you need right now.

Have you read Codependent No More? It's a really good book. It's about letting go and stopping yourself from trying to fix things. I highly recommend it. I think for the stage where I am at right now...it really helped me to start detaching. You will be surprised at how easier it gets after a little while.

These feelings you are having are totally normal. The important thing to remember is that you are still capable of having a wonderful and fulfilling life without your ex. Your kids need you to be strong and healthy...and this isn't making you strong or healthy.

NC (except for kids and finances) helps you clear your head and get to more level ground. You will still have bad days and you will still feel like you are on a roller coaster, but the more consistent you are about NC...the easier it gets and the roller coaster starts to slow down.

It's not a game, it's your life. But ultimately you are only in control of your choices and actions.Once you get that feeling of control back...it's really hard to give it up. You can do this!

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 12:06 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]