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Now he's gay, really struggling

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skatey0 posted 7/30/2013 11:50 AM

I haven't been here for a long time. In fact I think the last time I was here was around Christmas when I posted about wanting it to be over, and he read that, and decided to tell me he read that on NYE.

Well the last 7 months have been difficult. He said he would do all he could to keep us together, we could start over, go back to counselling, he'd address his lying etc etc.

Well none of it ever materialised, we just became two people co-existing. It was ok most of the time but not manageable long term.

Anyway it all came to a head when he didn't turn up for Fathers day tea that me and the kids were cooking, he went out drinking. Next day he left for work and didn't come home that night. I was distraught, worried sick. He turned up again at 2pm the next day, suprised that I was off work. After that he did a week of nights, we sat down and talked the following saturday and the wheels were set in motion for him to move out. He left the next day to go to his brothers but I don't know how much time he actually spent there.

Anyway to present time, he had the kids for the first time overnight at his new place last wednesday. Eldest complains the next day that he had to share with his sister because 'Steve' slept in daddys bed with daddy. A little bit more probing later and it all starts to fall into place. I had never considered it before but all the stuff that has been going on started to suddenly make sense. He looks at me differently, acts differently, I knew something wasn't right.

And now I get it. He has met someone else and that person is a man. There are two problems with what happened when my kids stayed, firstly I don't know this man and neither do the kids, I only know of him. And secondly for my child to see daddy in bed with a man.......not acceptable.

I confronted, he denied. I was very clear and calm about how unacceptable his behaviour had been, aside from the gay thing, and how he had put our kids at risk.

I am lost. I am 99.9% sure I am right on this one and he is in a relationship with this man. I feel sick to my stomach, can't eat, can't sleep. I know I would struggle if it was another woman but this is so much worse. My kids are accustomed to same sex couples as my brother in law (his brother) is gay.

But he's not their daddy, he doesn't pretend he loves mummy, he didn't create them, wasn't there when they were born, and they don't see him in bed with his boyfriend.

I thought the affair was bad, but this is something totally different. It is the ultimate selfish act that has far reaching consequences for all involved. My mother in law will be devastated, I am barely holding it together and good knows what affect this will have on the children.

I don't expect him to live a lie, it seems I am the lie after all.

But it is not happening around my children. Not while they are to young too understand the complexities of adult relationships. Not when they could be bullied at school. Not when it could affect them so badly for the rest of their lives.

This is my life and the only reason I am not suicidal or admitting myself to hospital right now is because I wouldn't leave my children with him, not now not ever.

Any advice, support, guidance, experience will be greatly received

confused615 posted 7/30/2013 12:12 PM

Im so sorry. This is my worst night mare..that one day WH will come home and tell me,years after we are in R,that he is actually gay.

Im so sorry your kids are confused. I understand how you feel. I,too,have an open mind and have NO problem with gay all..but not MY husband please. Finding out your WH is bisexual,or gay,is a HUGE betrayal. The fact that the two of you are divorced doesn't make it any less of a betrayal. It means you will deal with it differently,but it is still so hard to comprehend. It makes you question your entire marriage..I have had to go through all of my memories with WH and wonder if they were all lies..was/am I his "beard??" Ugh.

I found out on dday1 that he had cheated on me with a man..and that he is bisexual. My entire world shifted that day..and hasn't been right since..and probably never will be. It changed WHO I am.

As long as he denies it,Im not sure what you can do. If he would admit it,at least you could talk to the kids and help them understand.

Im sorry. I don't have any advice. but I do understand your shock. That shock stayed with me for 6 months post dday..and to be still lingers. It's an enormous amount of deception to process.


[This message edited by confused615 at 12:12 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

solus sto posted 7/30/2013 12:29 PM

I truly understand your struggle. I do.

And I agree that the first overnight isn't the time to introduce new boyfriends/girlfriends/bedmates/ANYONE. Regardless of sexual orientation.

Kids from newly-separated homes need stability. And they need their dad's full attention on the too-infrequent times they're with their noncustodial parent.

I probably would ask my husband, in your shoes, to postpone introducing my kids to new romantic interests for a specified period of time (for example, no introduction for six months, and even then, not unless the relationship has long-term potential). This kind of verbiage is common---but it's rarely enforced. You can ask, though---and then you can say that you made the effort.

If he's gay, he's gay. And that really isn't particularly germane to this situation (though I imagine it helps you put many things into perspective). The risk to your kids is NOT homosexuality; it's being introduced prematurely to people with whom they may form attachment---only to feel abandoned when that person leaves.

From THAT, they need protection. Hopefully your ex will see this through their eyes, and acquiesce to modifying his behavior.

skatey0 posted 7/31/2013 05:54 AM

Thank you for your responses.

We are not divorced, he left on the pretence that we would start from scratch, right back to the beginning, dating etc to see if we could fall in love again. The affair affected me so badly and he showed such little remorse it was more a lack of options than a choice.

It was all lies I guess. Again. It feels like I am having another dday only it's so much worse this time.

I just want it all to stop. I am so tired, not slept more than 4 hours a night for the last two weeks. Managed to get an appt with our marriage/individual therapist. I need some perspective on this before I loose it completely.

Could I ask the mods to repost this in the I can relate forum? Am hoping other people have dealt with this too.

Thank you confused615 may pm you at some point.

Helen of Troy posted 7/31/2013 08:59 AM

Hey there is an active SI poster who dealt with a similar situation. I hope she sees this and maybe you could communicate with her.

I dealt with discovering gay hook up ads in addition to OWs, no proof of OMs but who knows.

NotGonnaTakeIt posted 7/31/2013 13:26 PM

So sorry you are dealing with this. IMHO closeted gay men are extremely hard to deal with as they are so used to hiding...their feeling, their orientation and they become adept at lying. I found out my husband was having an affair with a man....for years and instead of just admitting it that yes I am gay, he blamed everything on me (I was cold, I ignored him, blah, blah, blah). Luckily, I knew better and could see through all his BS. He didn't even try to say he was bi, just that if he is never with a woman again, maybe he is gay. What BS..... I have also come to realize that my husband and many other husband that I hear about in the various support groups out there for straight spouses (google it) tend to be very selfish. I am not talking about gay people who admit their orientation, I am talking the closeted variety. They put their needs before their kids or anyone else's. I mean seriously..the first overnight and he has someone sleeping in his bed. There are plenty of other nights he could do that...just shows how self-absorbed he is. Someone who has not gone through dealing with a closet gay man or woman, really cannot relate. There are some here, who have similar experiences, but it was very helpful to seek out a group that has experience with TGT (the gay thing). Please feel free to contact me if I can do anything to help you.

LosferWords posted 7/31/2013 13:39 PM

Hi skatey0,

I'm so sorry for all you are dealing with, and going through. You are getting some good support on this thread, so we are going to leave this thread here so you can continue to get that support.

There is also an existing thread in ICR, called "Spouses with Same Gender APs."

Here is the direct link to that ICR forum:

Take care.

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