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Newest Member: antidave (45740)

User Topic: Getting past his lingering felling for Ow
savvy
♀ 39102
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you get past knowing that the Ws is still trying to get over feelings for Ow. He broke it off a week ago.
We are starting MC tonight he says he doesn't want to be with her but I asked about his feelings for her (which was a mistake on my part) and because he is trying to be completely honest he says yes he still has feelings. How do I get past that to move on with us. He says he loves me and wants to try to make our marriage work. I don't know how to reconcile this fact in my head
Any thoughts


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went thru the same exact thing. It started as a flirt, grew to a kiss and then it got pretty physical. After the fact, it was "love". So I had to pretty much wait for REAL NC and then to "detox" from the OM.

From what she described it was butterflies, love feelings, etc etc. I think this was the hardest part to get over for me. And to think she may still think of him as unfinished business or "could have been" kinda thought.

NC does work wonders so as long as there is NC, no reminders of her, no songs, items, anything he will get over her. It sounds to me like he's still in the fog.

It is gut wrenching to have to through this savvy. I am so sorry (hugs) Not only do you get betrayed and cheated on, but then you have to watch them hurt as they "get over" this other person. There is no worse hell for a spouse to deal with. HUH!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1416 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
savvy
♀ 39102
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2married
Thanks for the reply. He is just over a week into no contact but the trouble is her house is within a half mile of our house and business. It's right on the route no way to avoid it. Talk about a constant reminder


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

savvy - He has to make a choice. With all the pain in her heart, my WW had to make the choice. It wasn't over night, but once the fog starts lifting and they see all the damage, the choice is a bit easier. He'll have to drive a different way or not even look...Idk, something but make you #1!!!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1416 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Spideysense
♀ 39591
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if this helps you at all, speaking as the WS, I did the same thing. My H asked me a week later, two weeks later, a month later, etc. I told him that yes i missed talking to OM. I said the same thing, because i was now going to be honest about everything no matter how hard it was, and at that time, that was the truth. Also, had i lied and said i didnt, in myeyes that wouldve been a slap in the face to BH, mine was a LTA and it seemed ludicrous to me to expect my h to believe that after hundreds of texts a day i would just say yep im over it now worries. How could he proceed to build trust with me if i went that route? I can now say, i was honest, look BH im already trying to build trust with you by telling you this...trust in the little things, that I will come to you and tell you the honest truth even when its hard. (this is what i should have done all along but didnt) so even if it hurts my BH can know that look she is stepping up, she is going to have the hard talks with me-not that thats enough for trust to be back, but it was a baby step for me..not only am i trying to rebuild trust that i wont go meet someone else, that i only want H, but i am rebuilding trust in that when life is hard and theres an awkward thing, im going to talk to him, im not gonna bury it, im not gonna turn to someone else, im going to talk to him.
When he asked me at the one month mark i was honestly able to say that i did not miss OM, i did not wonder about why he didnt try to contact me, etc.
One other note, and idk what your WH story is, but again mine was a LTA, there were texts every single day back and forth at times all day, i missed that. In hindsight it wasnt necessarily the OM that i missed, it was the interaction. I now put that effort into interaction with my H.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spideysense - You sound just like my spouse. She did the same. All of it.

Good for you. It does hurt, but honesty is the way to go. When she would tell me she would miss him and was hurting for him, I might as well would have stabbed my own heart. But I had to sit there and watch it (him) fade.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1416 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remind yourself that he will go through a withdrawal period just like a drug addict. He got addicted to the ego boost but that doesn't mean he was in love with her. It usually takes several weeks to get through withdrawal period for a relationship end (if NC is maintained). Give it some time and he may just tell you that he realizes that his feelings for the OP weren't what he thought they were.

Best wishes.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4270 | Registered: Sep 2005
MoreWould
♂ 37982
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a long time survivor, and a lot of things make sense to me now that didn't before. One of the great paradoxes of a successful R is the number and power of the contradictions that you have to accept, and eventually embrace.

One is being healed, or at least helped in your own healing, by the one that betrayed you. The source of your pain is part of your salvation. Tough cookies.

Another is recognizing through the blinding mist of your own pain and anger that your WS is hurting too, and losing the A and the AP is part of their loss.

I know "That's BS, they brought it on themselves, they deserve to suffer as much as me." All true, and don't let them off the hook. They must lose this to keep you, but it is still a loss and it does you honor to show a sliver of empathy. No more is necessary, but it will help your healing. And that's the point.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
savvy
♀ 39102
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You all make lots of sense thanks so much all your replies help enormously. Our first MC session went well. Looking forward to the next one.


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another is recognizing through the blinding mist of your own pain and anger that your WS is hurting too, and losing the A and the AP is part of their loss.

Yes, the pain is hard for them because they "chose" this. I see my W and I can't believe what happened. It is surreal sometimes. So much damage, pain, and compromise of morals, reputation, dignity...huh! So NOT like her. And to live with this is hard. Aside from that, the feelings she actually got from being with the OM. And yes, it is an addiction that she's finally off of. But don't mistake, it was good while it lasted. It suppose to be cause you get instant gratification and escapism from your problems. However, the aftershocks are NOT worth it.

Perhaps the name "affair" makes it sound more like a vacation and fun. I prefer "Adultery". The real name. Pretty much looked down upon by most people on EARTH!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1416 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
MoreWould
♂ 37982
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2M2Q

Re "Adultery". I think "Affair" is just another form of minimizing, sounds so much more refined. When I write "A", I'm thinking Adultery.

FWW thought a better word was "Fling". I said, "What? As in, I tried to "fling" my M out the window?"

Like most waywards (adultresses), my W was just trying to put some distance between herself and her multiple self-inflicted pains, and I was busy trying to get her up close and personal with the outcomes of her choices and behaviors.

But, my answer was specific to Savvy's question, and in this case the paradox is a little empathy for the Wayward's loss can actually help in her (Savvy's) healing. No more, no less, doesn't change the rest of the story.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 4:24 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ws never voiced his missing for ow but I could see it and it felt like a knife right through my soul. I guess his being.honest is a good think but oh my, it stings bad for bs.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5238 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
hopefulmother
♀ 38790
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't give you advice. You have been here for awhile, I am so shocked he still has feelings for her. I can't get past the fact that my WH ever had feeling for anyone else. I can't imagine what it would be like if he still had feelings. (though I wonder sometimes if he still missed her)

I would say, if he still has feelings for her...then he can't be totally committed to you.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hurtinky
♀ 26152
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No way I could deal with that. I'd give him all the emotional space he needed to have all the lingering feelings he wanted. As in, he wouldn't have to worry about me because I'd be moving on down the dusty trail of life. Without him.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Topic Posts: 14

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