The reason it started is because I was angry because I found out on accident that he lied about spending time with the OW I have mentioned a few times.....three weeks ago he took our daughter to the movies and told me it was with some of the guys at work and their children..I have since found out that it was with the OW.
This led to a discussion of R and everything else...my BH asked me if I have figured out the reason for my A and why I did it.....this brings me to the point of this post...
How do I explain or even figure out my reasons for choosing to have an A with out my BH placing the blame on himself?
I have figured out through therapy that I was unhappy with a few different aspects of our M, which is what led me to the AP. I thought I could get the things I was lacking from him...but that is no reason or excuse for what I have done....millions of people have issues with their M, and they don't go out and have A....my reasons for being unhappy aren't a justification for what I did....there is something broken in me, not my BH.
I hate that I don't know how to explain this to him, because I hate that he feels he pushed me towards the A because he wasn't a good husband. He is a fantastic husband and didn't deserve what I did. I did it because I am the one who fucked up and have issues. I don't know how to find the answers to the question "why" while keeping the blame on me where it belongs, instead of having my BH put it on himself.
I know this doesn't make much sense and I'm rambling...I know what I want to say but it's not coming out right.
I guess the question for other WS is how did you deal with this?
I have since found out that it was with the OW.
I'm sure I missed it somewhere, but what situation brought in an OW? I'm sorry if you've explained it before and I didn't see it
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
I was unhappy in my M but my husband had no idea because I DIDN'T TELL HIM.
I had a lot of resentment, a lot of things I blamed on him because it was easier than looking inside myself to figure out why I thought I was so damn unhappy.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
I have figured out through therapy that I was unhappy with a few different aspects of our M, which is what led me to the AP
That's usually the mind set in place BEFORE therapy. If you have a good IC she/he'll will set that straight.
What AN said word for word.
I'm confused as well. How did she get promoted? I see where your husband was not honest but don't see where she jumped the shark to become OW. Did something happen?
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Sorry for the confusion....she isn't really the OW, I jumped the gun using the abbreviation....I should have instead said " the woman who came over before".
That's the frustrating thing....I know my reasons for being unhappy are not the real reason, I know it's got to be something else that made me think it was ok to cheat. I just don't know how to get to that place.
And in the meantime while I am trying to find these answers, my BH is blaming himself for causing it. I have told him multiple times it wasn't his fault, I was the one who chose to go outside the marriage. But how do I help him understand this?
I know the point was you trying to find your whys, but....
three weeks ago he took our daughter to the movies and told me it was with some of the guys at work and their children..I have since found out that it was with the OW
Just your BH, this woman, and your DD went to the movies?
This would be a major problem for me if I was working on R. Now if we were NC and working on D then no problem.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
Your BH isn't trusting anything you are saying because your actions have to show your remorse, not just your words. And honestly, I can't see that happening while you're living apart or while you're still working where you see OM.
Yes, her kids went also....according to my BH there were other people there too.
This is the same woman who he "ran into" in Boston, had over for dinner at our home(with my daughter) and hung out with at our home another time.
This is a huge issue for me and is what caused the cluster fuck last night.
I agree if we are supposed to be in R it is not appropriate. He doesn't seem to care.
He doesn't seem to care.
I know my reasons for being unhappy are not the real reason, I know it's got to be something else that made me think it was ok to cheat. I just don't know how to get to that place.
His reasoning about her is they are "just friends"....this is line I unfortunately know well, because I used it on him the first time he ever became suspicious of the AP.
He knows I am not happy about him spending time with her outside of work but continues to do so....even though he understands my frustration.
He told me that even if he doesn't make plans with her specifically he will still see her cuz they have the same friends and there is nothing he can do about it.
If he's still deciding you can figure out how long you're willing to live in limbo and tell him you need to know or you're taking steps. If he says you're in R then the two of you need to work together to make it happen.
As to finding your whys, someone posted this link a while back. It's really long but I found some of it helpful. Skip ahead to the three types of infidelity.
Thanks for the link knight!!
Am I being totally ridiculous about this woman?? Or does it seem suspicious to anyone else?
The marriage is supposed to come first and be protected. He's crossing the line.
My husband works 70-80 hour work weeks. My children don't see their dad half the days of the week. He has no boundaries with work. I am several down the line in his list of priorities. Does it hurt my feelings? Absolutely. Does it cause resentment? Absolutely. Does it give me a reason to fuck another man? Absolutely NOT. It's a surface, blameshifty reason for something deeper. My reasons for cheating go much deeper than, "QS is a butthead." So are yours. Your cheating has nothing to do with your husband and everything to do with you.
Does your IC think your answers for cheating are acceptable? Is your IC making you dig deeper into those answers? Or is your IC satisfied that you've now found a scapegoat? Depending on your answers, you may need a new IC.
Am I being totally ridiculous about this woman??
Or does it seem suspicious to anyone else?
I wouldn't use the word "suspicious"; it just sounds to me as if, factually, she IS the OW.
You are living apart, but he has not filed for D nor even said the M is over and he wants D. Yet, he is dating this woman (going to the movies, having her over for dinner, etc are dating-type activities IMO) and lying to you about it. If a BW came onto this website and described her WH doing what your H is doing, there would be an outcry of "She's an OW!"
And I also wouldn't be surprised if this woman is all too excited to be a part of this drama. She knows (I assume) that you and your BH are still M. She probably knows that your BH is undecided about R. Yet she's prancing around town---and in your home!---playing "happy family" with him and your child. That's bullshit, sorry.
Divorced from and remarried to XBH
First child (daughter) born February 2016
What are you going to do?
The link you put out was incredibly helpful. I read it and then showed it to my BH, I hope he reads it. It helped give me some of the info I was looking for.
I completely agree with you. I am searching for those answers and trying to find them. I know the surface reasons aren't enough and am focusing on my issues. I am not trying to shift the blame to my BH at all...That's what this post is about.
I don't know what I am going to do. BH and I just got into another argument about her and everything else. He still says they are just friends and nothing more and she shouldn't have to stop being friends with her.
I told him if he wants to really R he needs to act that way. And we can't fix things if we aren't together....it ended with me leaving in tears...not very productive I guess.