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Non-spouse-- still betrayed. Help

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Elphaba posted 7/30/2013 14:34 PM

Hey everyone...I've spent the last two days trolling on this site...and I am still learning how to post. I am hoping I can still post although I am not married.
I have been with my boyfriend for 11 months (we are living together for the past 5), and already there has been a lapse of judgement on his part. I need help to determine what is true, because it seems you all have had instances like mine.
I caught him messaging women on Craigslist. That D$#* website that seems to be the breaker of relationships.
He left his email wide open on my laptop. He was requesting "favors" from an ad.
When confronted, he immediately claimed nothing happened. He was just looking for the thrill of someone responding. He also claimed it was the first time. He asked for photos of this girl, and for her address...
I'm having a hard time believing anything he says now.
I am head over heals in love with this man. He was everything my ExH was NOT, until this happened. Then it was like DejaVu.
He is in IC now- I need to be there as well, but have yet to make an appointment. I'm journaling for now.
What is next?!?! I am just spiraling-
Thanks everyone...for letting me vent

Skan posted 7/30/2013 15:05 PM

Welcome, Elphaba. Please don't apologize because you're not married. If you've been cheated on, you are very welcome here, even though I know that you wish to high heavens that you had no reason to come look us up.

Sorry. Men don't message women on Craigs List unless they are trolling for sex. Just does not happen. He's lying. The Thrill, The First Time, Nothing Happened all three statements are directly from The Cheater's Handbook, chapter 1. They are uttered in one form or another by about 99.99999% of every cheater (or about to be cheater) whose caught.

I'd suggest IC for you so that you have someone to talk to IRL. I'd also suggest very strongly that you try to detatch and really *think* about if you really need this drama. At a time when each of you are supposed to be showing your best sides to each other and are supposed to be totally focused on each other, he's trolling for ho's on Craigs List. If this happened to your BFF, what would you tell her? You've been through this sort of rodeo with your XH, do you need to get on that bucking horse again?

If you haven't done so already, please look at the upper left corner, in the square yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. The articles will help you. And please come back often for support. We're here to support you. (((hugs)))

Tearsoflove posted 7/30/2013 15:36 PM

Ask him for his craigslist information. The account will have a history of his posts. At least you will then know if he's posting his own personal ads along with responding to them.

mysticpenguin posted 7/30/2013 18:13 PM

Hey, E. I'm here with some hugs. :) I've felt somewhat alone here sometimes because my WH and I have no kids, and we've only been M 4 years, but the pain of betrayal is universal without regard for gender, length of relationship, kid status, etc.

In some ways it can be a bigger slap in the face when the relationship is young because you're still in the honeymoon stage, or the vestiges of it.

What's your wayward BF doing to provide you with transparency and hard proof that he's a safe and suitable partner? So often what we discover is only the tip of the iceberg.

(((((Hugs))))) we are all here for you.

purplejacket4 posted 7/30/2013 18:24 PM

My personal opinion is when someone does this during the beginning part of a relationship and not after its become routine and stale it shows that cheating person has very poor boundaries and morals. I'd run, not walk, to the nearest exit.

Got2GO posted 7/30/2013 18:45 PM

Sorry that you are here. Consider yourself lucky that you are not married. IMO, run! This is only the beginning. My ex was trolling Craig's list also. I found this out before I married the nasty old goat. Somehow I thought he would change, WRONG! I wasted 6 years of my life. At this point you don't have years invested so RUN!

undonelife posted 7/30/2013 19:28 PM

What purplejacket said: run dear done walk run. Do it before you marry him & suffer Mrs drama &heartache.

NoTriangles posted 7/30/2013 19:53 PM

Hi Elphaba. Welcome.

I, too, was not married. But we were together for 5 years and lived together (with his 2 daughters - I have no children) for 3 years. It doesn't hurt any less. In fact, maybe more.

I've felt somewhat alone here sometimes because my WH and I have no kids, and we've only been M 4 years, but the pain of betrayal is universal without regard for gender, length of relationship, kid status, etc.
In some ways it can be a bigger slap in the face when the relationship is young because you're still in the honeymoon stage, or the vestiges of it.

I totally relate to this.

The most valuable thing I have learned here is "When they show you who they are, believe them."

I wish I had run early. All the signs were there.

He got busted early on sending several seriously flirty emails to colleagues. I totally thought he was THE ONE so I chose to stay and forgive. But it only got worse and worse.

Your best tool in the toolbox is that you found SI early.

Read here. Alot. And always take care of YOU.


[This message edited by NoTriangles at 8:02 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

Elphaba posted 7/31/2013 17:19 PM

NO NO NO NO NO....this is what keeps blaring in my head. I knew...I knew what you all would say. I didn't want to hear it. I am an intelligent, educated, rational adult woman, and in a matter of one day I have been turned into a blithering idiot.
I want to believe HIM, bury my head, pretend it didn't happen. But my rational, gut, logical side is telling me it's happening all over again. Then my stupid, naive, non-confident side pokes her head in and says "it's all your fault".
My God- I NEVER reacted like this with my ExH and his many affairs. I never was IN love with that man. I can't believe, as a mature adult, I am reduced to this...

nestlee posted 7/31/2013 18:39 PM

It's not your fault. Don't ever take the blame for someone else's wrong doings. Remember you ain't no stepping stone. Really take some time for your self. Think things over. Write down all the pros and con's in your relationship. Evaluate it. Then go from there. ((Hugs))

Skan posted 8/1/2013 11:14 AM

Of course you're conflicted. On the one hand, you have cold, concrete evidence in front of you that he is a cheater. And you've been thru that before. And you know all of the next steps in the dance the STD/HIV panels that you both have to undergo, the lying, the swearing of undying love, the blameshifting, and your brain says Hell No! On the other hand, your emotions are in full swing saying NO, not THIS guy! I love HIM! We can get thru this, it's a mistake (nope, a choice), I must have caused it, it must be my fault, we can sweep this under the rug and pretend it never happened because I don't want to be alone.

We totally get it. We've been there too.

This is a time that you have to think with your brain and not your emotions. The facts are that he CHOSE to betray you it wasn't a mistake, he didn't hit the keys in a random fashion and OOPSIE, end up on Craigs List. He's shown you his true character at a time when he should be bending over backwards to show you how much he loves you. He's shown you what life will look like for the rest of your life, or until you can't stomach it anymore, as long as you're together. And if you have children, he's shown you that he can and will put your health at risk (and possibly your unborn babies), and that if and when he progresses, what you and your children may walk into one day, if he esculates and brings his playmates to your house, to your bed, to your life.

I am so very, very sorry to have to point this out. It's a bloody nightmare I know it is. But plesae consider that 8 strangers on the internet have shown you more caring and support than the person who is supposed to be your soft place to fall and is supposed to have your back. That's a bitter pill to swollow. (((hugs)))

Josephine01 posted 8/1/2013 11:22 AM

You are not a blithering idiot, but you should listen to your gut. Leave this individual while there is still time (no legal ties). I am sorry that this happened to I can tell that you love him and this is hard on you.

Schilling posted 8/1/2013 11:28 AM

My boyfriend and I are not married and have no children.

When I first came to this site I was taken aback by those telling me to run from him because, to me, that is not supportive.

It took awhile, but I found the reconciliation section to be more fitting for me.

Right now, getting into IC and possibly even Couples Therapy would be great.

Sounds like he is doing the work on himself by going to IC.

Trust is a frail thing, and he broke your trust, it was a boundary and he stepped over that line. What you are feeling is normal.

Continue to journal, think about trying IC for yourself and talk to him about couples therapy.

Maybe sitting down together, and writing out boundaries and assuring you two are on the same page would help?

Keep your head up.

Williesmom posted 8/1/2013 11:33 AM

Here is my thought:

You have been with him for less than a year. You have no ties.

Even if he swears fidelity, won't you always wonder - just a little? Do you want to have a mortgage and 2.2 kids and still be wondering?

If you're cool with that, move to the reconciliation forum.

Frankly, I think he should still be in his "best behavior" phase. What will he be like after 10 years of "boring" sex with you?

You deserve to be cherished.

Elphaba posted 8/5/2013 14:30 PM

I thought I might add a bit of information--I was asked to do this on my other topic, so here it is here as well:

Let me fill in a bit here- on Sunday the 23rd of June, I opened my laptop to pay bills while my BF showered. He had been using my laptop that past week to look for work (JUST had gotten laid off the Tuesday before). He left his Email (One of three) open...I thought nothing of it, till I saw in one of the subject lines SEXXXXYY BJ for you...WTF?!?!?
So- I opened the email. There was a thread...first his responding "I sure would like to get that BJ" her responding to him "sure- have to ask for a donation tho $50" His response- "OK, send me a pic please" to which she did (One from the internet...I looked up naked skank in shower, and it came right up).
He asked for her address, she gave it to him "that's right by my place...I will be there in 5 minutes"

I immediately went to his trash folder- there was another email- same type of thread. I was shaking SO badly at this time, my mind was spinning. All I wanted to do was run out of there.
He came out of the shower and came over to give me a hug, I was throwing clothes on, the laptop still open on my bed. I admit it, I just lost it- I screamed at him to not touch me. Then immediately confronted him. His response to me "NOTHING HAPPENED". Liar

We had it out that night. I gave him his chance to spill it, tell me everything to clear the table, see what was going on. He denies it to this day. I know he is lying. I just know. Why would he ask for her address?? Then tell her, I'll be there in 5 minutes?? THAT haunts me...

So- I have been tested. He says he was just tested. I have yet to see the results for him. I'm ok, for now.

I am committed to a one year lease here in my apartment. I am on the lease. I cannot afford it on my own. So- I stick it out??

Writing this takes me back to the nightmare. Now he can't even perform sexually with me. I told him today to go home (after dropping me off at work this morning)and watch some porn, to see if he can get it up that way...he balked...but I told him it would show if it was physical or mental.
God- I have been the one giving HIM support through all of this bullshit. He is completely remorseful- I do see that, but doesn't that include being 100% truthful???
Sorry for the extremely LONG rant

emotionalgirl posted 8/5/2013 14:39 PM

Hi elphaba....please take some advice from someone who is 25 years in and now dealing with an WH. I should have seen many signs early on in our relationship and choose not to and now I am sitting looking back at 25 wondering why I was so naive and why I have wasted the best years of my life. I know you love him but this relationship is only 11 months old, please think long and hard....DO NOT become me, and take the excuses again and again until the evidence is so great you can't ignore it! all the best no matter what you decide...ultimately it is your life and only you can choose how best to live it (((hugs))))

Josephine01 posted 8/6/2013 00:30 AM

I second what emotionalgirl said. Same thing here. Elphaba, I understand your pain, but he is not remorseful or he would admit what he did seek T. But instead he balks. Please, Please, don't get sucked into to his web. You are so young. ((HUGS))

HurtButHopeful? posted 8/6/2013 00:46 AM

Leave this individual while there is still time (no legal ties).

When there are children, it gets even more difficult to have others who will be hurt.

Let him loose. Now. No excuses. You know.

doesitgetbetter posted 8/6/2013 10:41 AM

Just about every lease has a "buy out" clause. You can usually pay one month rent, forfeit your deposit, and walk away from the place without any other consequences. It would be worth it.

And, sweety, just because YOUR STD test came back ok, does NOT mean that his will. You have GOT to have only protected sex with him (which also means no oral without condoms and dental dams) or no sex until he gets his STD test done. Whether he used a condom with these women or not, or even if he uses one with you or not, there is still risk of spreading certain STD's even with a condom! And many STD's are even spread orally, so if he got a BJ from someone without a condom, he could have something. And they almost ALWAYS lie about using condoms anyway.

Protect yourself!

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