Sorry. Men don't message women on Craigs List unless they are trolling for sex. Just does not happen. He's lying. The Thrill, The First Time, Nothing Happened all three statements are directly from The Cheater's Handbook, chapter 1. They are uttered in one form or another by about 99.99999% of every cheater (or about to be cheater) whose caught.
I'd suggest IC for you so that you have someone to talk to IRL. I'd also suggest very strongly that you try to detatch and really *think* about if you really need this drama. At a time when each of you are supposed to be showing your best sides to each other and are supposed to be totally focused on each other, he's trolling for ho's on Craigs List. If this happened to your BFF, what would you tell her? You've been through this sort of rodeo with your XH, do you need to get on that bucking horse again?
If you haven't done so already, please look at the upper left corner, in the square yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. The articles will help you. And please come back often for support. We're here to support you. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
In some ways it can be a bigger slap in the face when the relationship is young because you're still in the honeymoon stage, or the vestiges of it.
What's your wayward BF doing to provide you with transparency and hard proof that he's a safe and suitable partner? So often what we discover is only the tip of the iceberg.
(((((Hugs))))) we are all here for you.
I, too, was not married. But we were together for 5 years and lived together (with his 2 daughters - I have no children) for 3 years. It doesn't hurt any less. In fact, maybe more.
I've felt somewhat alone here sometimes because my WH and I have no kids, and we've only been M 4 years, but the pain of betrayal is universal without regard for gender, length of relationship, kid status, etc. In some ways it can be a bigger slap in the face when the relationship is young because you're still in the honeymoon stage, or the vestiges of it.
I totally relate to this.
The most valuable thing I have learned here is "When they show you who they are, believe them."
I wish I had run early. All the signs were there.
He got busted early on sending several seriously flirty emails to colleagues. I totally thought he was THE ONE so I chose to stay and forgive. But it only got worse and worse.
Your best tool in the toolbox is that you found SI early.
Read here. Alot. And always take care of YOU.
Hugs....
[This message edited by NoTriangles at 8:02 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]
We totally get it. We've been there too.
This is a time that you have to think with your brain and not your emotions. The facts are that he CHOSE to betray you it wasn't a mistake, he didn't hit the keys in a random fashion and OOPSIE, end up on Craigs List. He's shown you his true character at a time when he should be bending over backwards to show you how much he loves you. He's shown you what life will look like for the rest of your life, or until you can't stomach it anymore, as long as you're together. And if you have children, he's shown you that he can and will put your health at risk (and possibly your unborn babies), and that if and when he progresses, what you and your children may walk into one day, if he esculates and brings his playmates to your house, to your bed, to your life.
I am so very, very sorry to have to point this out. It's a bloody nightmare I know it is. But plesae consider that 8 strangers on the internet have shown you more caring and support than the person who is supposed to be your soft place to fall and is supposed to have your back. That's a bitter pill to swollow. (((hugs)))
When I first came to this site I was taken aback by those telling me to run from him because, to me, that is not supportive.
It took awhile, but I found the reconciliation section to be more fitting for me.
Right now, getting into IC and possibly even Couples Therapy would be great.
Sounds like he is doing the work on himself by going to IC.
Trust is a frail thing, and he broke your trust, it was a boundary and he stepped over that line. What you are feeling is normal.
Continue to journal, think about trying IC for yourself and talk to him about couples therapy.
Maybe sitting down together, and writing out boundaries and assuring you two are on the same page would help?
Keep your head up.
You have been with him for less than a year. You have no ties.
Even if he swears fidelity, won't you always wonder - just a little? Do you want to have a mortgage and 2.2 kids and still be wondering?
If you're cool with that, move to the reconciliation forum.
Frankly, I think he should still be in his "best behavior" phase. What will he be like after 10 years of "boring" sex with you?
You deserve to be cherished.
Let me fill in a bit here- on Sunday the 23rd of June, I opened my laptop to pay bills while my BF showered. He had been using my laptop that past week to look for work (JUST had gotten laid off the Tuesday before). He left his Email (One of three) open...I thought nothing of it, till I saw in one of the subject lines SEXXXXYY BJ for you...WTF?!?!? So- I opened the email. There was a thread...first his responding "I sure would like to get that BJ" her responding to him "sure- have to ask for a donation tho $50" His response- "OK, send me a pic please" to which she did (One from the internet...I looked up naked skank in shower, and it came right up). He asked for her address, she gave it to him "that's right by my place...I will be there in 5 minutes"
I immediately went to his trash folder- there was another email- same type of thread. I was shaking SO badly at this time, my mind was spinning. All I wanted to do was run out of there. He came out of the shower and came over to give me a hug, I was throwing clothes on, the laptop still open on my bed. I admit it, I just lost it- I screamed at him to not touch me. Then immediately confronted him. His response to me "NOTHING HAPPENED". Liar
We had it out that night. I gave him his chance to spill it, tell me everything to clear the table, see what was going on. He denies it to this day. I know he is lying. I just know. Why would he ask for her address?? Then tell her, I'll be there in 5 minutes?? THAT haunts me...
So- I have been tested. He says he was just tested. I have yet to see the results for him. I'm ok, for now.
I am committed to a one year lease here in my apartment. I am on the lease. I cannot afford it on my own. So- I stick it out??
Writing this takes me back to the nightmare. Now he can't even perform sexually with me. I told him today to go home (after dropping me off at work this morning)and watch some porn, to see if he can get it up that way...he balked...but I told him it would show if it was physical or mental. God- I have been the one giving HIM support through all of this bullshit. He is completely remorseful- I do see that, but doesn't that include being 100% truthful??? Sorry for the extremely LONG rant -Thanks...
Leave this individual while there is still time (no legal ties).
Let him loose. Now. No excuses. You know.
And, sweety, just because YOUR STD test came back ok, does NOT mean that his will. You have GOT to have only protected sex with him (which also means no oral without condoms and dental dams) or no sex until he gets his STD test done. Whether he used a condom with these women or not, or even if he uses one with you or not, there is still risk of spreading certain STD's even with a condom! And many STD's are even spread orally, so if he got a BJ from someone without a condom, he could have something. And they almost ALWAYS lie about using condoms anyway.
Protect yourself!
