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womaninflux posted 7/30/2013 17:19 PM

In MC the subject of SAWH wanting to start hanging out with his friends more has come up. Curious as to how others. Have approached in a healthy way. My situation is that H is a very immature man. 42 yo and still stuck with the social maturity level of a 15 yo. Part of the reason why he had an affair, obviously. Can't not see friends forever, but wondering if anyone had suggestions about meeting 1/2 way on this and successfully getting H to see the light.

redrock posted 7/30/2013 17:40 PM

You are still pretty new to the process. At 4 months out, we were still wading through TT and the rubble of D-Day etc...

My H never had a group of BOYZ that he hung with but went to games and sports/bars with a few friends here and there.

I don't think he went out alone for close to a year. I/we had some social gatherings that we attended together but even those were wearing on both of us at the time.

IMO, if his friends are friends of the marriage then something can be worked out. But if he wants to get back in the routine with friends with limited boundaries who assisted in his affair then it would be a huge HELL NO from me.

There isn't 1/2 way with someone who is not willing to commit to transparency and building boundaries.

My H thought he could tell me 1/2 the truth and wait patiently(doing nothing) for me to heal on my own. We actually had an extended argument over whether there was such a thing as an "anti-versary". Like a 2 hour argument. Crazy.

Nothing much happen in R until I put my foot down, drew the line in the sand and defended it.

I tried to negotiate. I tried to see his side. I tried to be 'nice. I tried doing all the work and pushing him along inch by inch.

Nothing worked until I was willing to defend my boundaries by walking away. Nothing.

Some situations are like that. Only you can say if yours is.

BeyondBreaking posted 7/30/2013 17:50 PM

Are all of these friends people who knew about the affair and hid it from you? If so, I would not be a big fan of these friends and him hanging out with them alone would be a huge NO from me. Friends of the marriage ONLY!

If they did not know about the affair...but go out and have "boys will be boys" attitudes...do his friends have spouses?

If so, I would say a good 1/2 way approach is to do double date-style hang outs. Have his friends bring their wives and everyone have dinner or see a movie or have a drink together.

Skan posted 7/31/2013 13:35 PM

I doubt that my FWH will ever be able to hang out with "friends" again unless I am there with him. That's a consequence of his behavior. He also tends to act like a teenager when he goes for a couple of drinks. My MC said (and I agreed) that he needed to make more guy friends because really, he doesn't have any. So he went out with a buddy, who is in a very strong marriage of his own and whose wife I have met, and promptly violated every agreement that we had about calling me during the night, sending me photo texts to show me where he was, and coming home after the bar closed. This was about 3 months after our DDay 1. That set us back big time. Then, in June, he asked to go out with the same friend, and after some trepatation, I agreed, Same scenario, but he also got picked up for DUI and I got the dubious pleasure of going crazy all night long and then bailing him out of jail.

He Will Never Fucking Go Out Again with "The Guys" unless I am along. End of discussion.

Lonelygirl10 posted 7/31/2013 14:58 PM

I personally never felt like I could control his social life. So, he still goes to dinner with friends and does whatever he wants to do. I'm paranoid about it, of course. But I've realized that if someone wants to cheat, they'll cheat. I'd rather him tell me that he's going out with his guy friends, than to say he's going to his parents' house or taking a nap and really go somewhere else.

The way we deal with it is he sends me pictures of where he is, with his friends in the background. I'll ask each time that he does something unique for the picture, to prove that it's not one taken in advance and saved (like one eye open, one eye closed). It helps lessen the anxiety, but doesn't fix it.