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Newest Member: ashm7 (60758)

User Topic: The WS: the swinging pendulum?
♂ 39830
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do WS face a swinging pendulum for their emotions as well? The first two weeks after DDay my WW was fiercely, I mean FIERCELY committed to saving our marriage. Now that her anger is out about the shit I did indeed cause in our marriage that predated her cheating, she is less committed. By far.

I'm getting, so far, the impression that this won't change, that she'll remain angry and lukewarm towards us. Or is this just part of the cycle of anger/pain/fear?

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
♀ 39073
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure. My WH hung on to his affair, then said he wanted to save our marriage, has put in lukewarm effort, and can't understand why I am getting triggered by his choices - going to her area alone, not wanting to delete her FB, sending sympathy cards to her mother.... He also claims - and he is correct that we had problems in our marriage before she came along. To me they are the same problems we have now...he is not engaged in our relationship.

This is so confusing to me. I'm sorry I'm of no help. Hopefully someone else will come along with a better idea of what is normal.

Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 195 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I'm sure a WS has their moments. Her attitude is certainly not directed towards R at the moment. And just like a WS must own their shit about their A. We too must own our shit. In no way did the marital issues give her a pass to cheat. But you must work on your issues as well. That said I would be cautious that she does not blameshift her behaviors onto the marital issues. These are and always will be 2 totally separate issues. Perhaps its time to sit down and have a good talk about what it is that you can do to make you a better person and husband. R takes 2 committed people working their asses off to make it better. Just don't let her lose sight of what she needs to do to fix herself. Personally I feel that R can not work until the WS gets themselves to a place of acceptance and understanding of why they cheated. Its very hard as they must carry two burdens at one time. You are responsible for half the marital issues. She also carries the other half. And she must carry the weight of her A at the same time. The real question is can she or is she willing do it ? This must be discussed with her ASAP. And you must prepare yourself for answers you might not want to hear. Good luck my friend.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 3

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