"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

gonnabe2016 posted 7/30/2013 20:01 PM

"Cheat on me again and I will divorce you." <-- said 3 years ago.

And guess what?
He did.
I didn't file immediately. My mistake.
Reason is because it was complete validation of everything that I had been saying to him. Boiler-plate, really, so I figured that he'd be able to finally *see* it.
I filed a month later because he was continuing to play his fucked up games with me. Lying and controlling the flow of information.
When he refused to order his text records and told me that I *made* him cheat.....I filed.
Since that time, he's *had* at least 2 OW's (that I know of) and countless *back-pocket* females.

He spent at least the first 3 weeks of this month insulting the fuck out of me 6 ways to Sunday. Of course I haven't been great about not engaging (PMS & my last 1st anti- had me kinda off-balance). But we also are still very much entwined business-wise, financially, and kid-wise....so he has plenty of opportunity to make his disrespect obvious to me. I send a necessary text to ask about some money that he has spent that is business related-----I get 15 texts of fucking bullshit. And I mean totally *out there* shit. Sometimes I actually get an answer, sometimes I don't.

And now he's back to telling me that he doesn't want a divorce and saying that he would be different and would value me and wants a monogamous relationship with me.

What a total mind-fuck it is to deal with a person like this. A complete and utter mind-fuck.

There is NO compromising, reasoning, or relationship to be had with a person that changes reality to fit their fucked-up perceptions. And I don't mean a person that just mis-interprets or re-writes reality.

This guy deletes and shreds anything tangible because he can't handle seeing what is *real*.
He adamantly insists that real-life things that DID happen didn't, and that things that DIDN'T happen did. And he honestly and truly believes that *his* recollection is correct. Whenever I showed him a black & white direct contradiction.....he freaked.

Having to deal with a person like this is just fucking exhausting.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 8:02 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

Unagie posted 7/30/2013 20:05 PM

I just wanted to say you've been heard. (((Gonnabe)))

jjsr posted 7/30/2013 20:09 PM

I hope you can get away from him asap.

Jrazz posted 7/30/2013 20:11 PM

Yeah, this is a run-don't-walk thing.

I'm so sorry, gonnabe. You've worked so hard... at least you know that you are strong and brave and can handle ANYTHING.

(((gonnabe2016)))

Jrazz posted 7/30/2013 20:12 PM

Yeah, this is a run-don't-walk thing.

I'm so sorry, gonnabe. You've worked so hard... at least you know that you are strong and brave and can handle ANYTHING.

(((gonnabe2016)))

gonnabe2016 posted 7/30/2013 20:12 PM

Hey Unagie
t/j at ya: I'm not ignoring your request for my dog pic. I have to wait for his hair to grow back out -- Sultan had gotten his hair all cut off w/o my knowledge.....and so you wouldn't have been able to see how much our dogs looked alike.
end t/j.

hurtbs posted 7/30/2013 20:17 PM

Big hugs

(((gonnabe)))

I hear you and been there. You deserve better. Be prepared for the mind games to continue during the divorce process.

You sound really good, though, like you know what you want and are going for it - good for you! That makes a huge difference.

Getting to Happy posted 7/30/2013 20:21 PM

((((Gonnabe2016))))

Mousse242 posted 7/30/2013 20:31 PM

I hope you have copies of all those texts at your attorney's office.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/30/2013 20:58 PM

Was just talking about this in counseling tonight.. People like this need to be cut out and removed from my life. I wanna surround myself with loving trusting people and have some fun.

But I'm still so intertwined with this narc fucker, kids, house, debt, assets, everything still to be resolved. I just want the least amount of contact possible and tell him to FUCK OFF!!!!!!

Hugs and strength to you girl.. It's really not fair we have to keep eating these shit sandwiches.. I don't know how we accept it and move on to more positive things, but I'm trying to figure it out. Hope you do too..

FUCK THAT MANIPULATING FUCKHEAD!!

Gr8Lady posted 7/30/2013 21:08 PM

I hear ya......dealing with Mr. Exhaustion is like trying to nail jello to the wall!

Deeply Scared posted 7/30/2013 21:08 PM

(((Gonna)))

Please be safe...I wish I was close to you, I'd come pick you up and bring you home with us.

You're strong and smart...you will get through this!

gonnabe2016 posted 7/30/2013 21:09 PM

I know this shit has to end at some point and I only wish that he would just shoot the fucking horse and stop siphoning water down its throat because he believes in his fucked up head the horse can recover because *other* horses have recovered from an injury and run another day. Completely ignoring the fact that the horses that recovered didn't have 4 busted legs that HE broke into 5 million different pieces and that if the horse just *wanted it* enough....he'd be able to recover just fine. Not.Gonna.Happen.

It's torture.

The horse WANTS to die. Pull.The.Plug. Shoot it.

@Mousse---my L *gets* what I'm dealing with.

Part of what prompted me to finally dump this crap here is that I saw today that a bunch of texts that were on my old phone weren't there anymore. Apparently at some point when he was at the house looking at *his* books, he deleted shit off of my old phone. And this is 5 months after realizing that some other black/white copies of shit that I had here at the house had *disappeared*. Stupid reality-manipulator.....

Grace and Flowers posted 7/30/2013 21:35 PM

Oh, gonnabe....same shit, different day, huh? I'm so sorry. You are so strong...I know you'll get through it....but major bummer on the muck you have to walk through.

(((((gonnabe)))))

And, oh yeah, FTG!!!!

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 7/30/2013 21:38 PM

Oh, (((gonna))).

I hope you get this all settled soon.

While you wait, trek on down to the NPD thread in I Can Relate. The kind folks there know EXACTLY what you're facing and what you're likely to face in the future with him.

You know, he wears ME out with his effing bullshit and I don't even have to deal with him!

gonnabe2016 posted 7/30/2013 21:58 PM

People like this need to be cut out and removed from my life.

Sad, isn't it?
Last fall I found a CSAT for Sultan. Gave him her #. And, lucky me (really), she has a counselor that works with spouses. I have been seeing here since....oh, last October, I think. I think that he started working with the CSAT in late November or so. (he stopped seeing her a while ago) We had both signed releases so that the 2 therapists could work together and talk about our individual sessions.

I never talked about this while it was happening because I knew what you all would say. And, of course, you all would have been (and were) right. Anyway.

Mid-December Sultan is in "*you're* my everything" mode. And I had my CSAT therapist that I was working closely with and we came up with some guidelines. My boundaries, I guess you could call them.

We WOULD be getting a divorce. (because he had fucked everything up so much by that point in time that there was NO other option). BUT IF he were to do a complete 180......passwords, complete transparency, yadayada.....maybe there could possibly be a future relationship of some sort.

My IC was on board and wholeheartedly said YES. However, when I laid that shit out.....he ran it by HIS therapist (MY therapist's partner) and she said nope. Which just fueled HIS fire and gave him a reason to tell me that I was being out of line and unreasonable. So I called my therapist (outside of her hours) and said "WTF. You tanked me because we talked about this shit, you were on board, and now I'm finding out that you guys are saying NO???? You fucked me." I was pissed and I felt betrayed by my own freaking counselor. I was following HER advice and running it all through her.

Well apparently, she and his CSAT had spoken and his CSAT had told my IC that the plan would never work. Because of how his mind works and that I had to go NC with him because ANY contact with him was pretty much just *feeding the beast*. That he saw any type of engagement from me as a *positive*....no matter what I was saying. (the 'ego kibbles' that SI people talk about).

And it all boils down to how he changes *reality* to meet his perception INSTEAD OF changing HIS perception in relation to the reality.

And the guy is just crazy-fucked-up. As I said in my OP, I was very clear on my boundary about cheating. He broke it. I didn't file immediately. A week after I filed, he broke NC with that new OW. He said the reason that he did it was to make me *jealous* and act like I loved him again. ?????? UMMMMM....*hello* mr.-marriage-long-serial-cheater-whose-wife-is-gonna-divorce-him-because-of-his-cheating.* Thinking that you're going to make your BW *jealous* is probably a pretty fucking stupid thing to do.

gonnabe2016 posted 7/30/2013 22:12 PM

@TIKYa---it's a classic case of Hoovering. But some of the shit he's said to me in the past few months would just blow your mind because it is just utter nonsense.

That's the main reason that I haven't been posting much lately.....because I just don't have much positive support to offer to people that are really wanting to *save* their marriage when their WS is still being a freaking asswipe. I have developed such a *fuck off jerkwad* attitude towards people that act like douche's, that I've decided to go *silent*.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 7/30/2013 22:38 PM

I remember the crap he was trying to pull in December and I remember telling you to watch his actions. Yep, it was a hoover!

I think you have tremendous value here because a lot of people are dealing with spouses like yours. SI is very R-friendly, but there are so many people who have no choice but D and they really could use the support and knowing they're not alone.

I know nobody wants to hear it early-on in the process. Hell, most people don't EVER want to hear it because this was NOT what they signed-up for, but knowing there is someone else 'out there' who understands is priceless. Please keep posting, no matter what Sultan is doing.

5454real posted 7/30/2013 22:45 PM

really? got to control the dog to?

damn, Sorry.

I admire you for your strength. how are the kids doing?

strength

gonnabe2016 posted 7/30/2013 23:57 PM

I think you have tremendous value here because a lot of people are dealing with spouses like yours.

I know. I've read quite a few posts lately that are SultanRedux....and I haven't responded because my response would be: "run, forrest, fucking run. Your WS is *fucked up*"....and the OP's response would be a bunch of *but's*....and my patience right now is just too razor thin. Right now I'm having trouble keeping my *own* situation separate. It's that fine line of projecting your own crap, kwim?

Of course it doesn't help that I have *his* voice in my head.....totally denigrating SI as a negative place. Which just leads to another really super sore spot. He has always acknowledged that I am *smart*. But the fucker NEVER listens to me. How the fuck can he say that I am smart if he's going to always tell me that I'm wrong???

Which just sucks me in every.single.time.
He recently said: "your books don't have the answers. There is a contradiction for everything. You act so smart and your marriage failed."

I had absolutely no idea what freaking *books* he was talking about, but he pushed the exact right buttons that made me respond with this: "My marriage failed because my husband is a lying, serial cheating douchebag." (Until this point in time, I don't believe that I have EVER called him the d-word.)

Which of course just invited a SI-bash party because the first person that responded to his very first SI post called him a douchebag. Yes, he still holds a grudge because he didn't receive kudos for sticking around and *eating Gonna's shit*. (even after Gonna told the dude NOT to post WITHOUT a stop sign....*shrug*).

He says that allowing myself to constantly abuse him is why we didn't *fix* it......conveniently forgetting that his continuing lies and cheating played a big f'n part in why our marriage wasn't able to be *fixed*.

And then he goes on to be so totally remorseful and understanding and bashing on SI by saying: "Name calling is acceptable in your little subculture (because apparently calling a liar is a liar is completely anathema). Degrading and making fun of others is encouraged there and you are like a captain among these idiot strangers."

His disrespect (and the way that I ignored it and made excuses for it for so many years) really makes me feel sick.