"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

livebythesea posted 7/30/2013 20:16 PM

Last night we had it out. I said things which were rude, I even pushed him. He slept in the spare bedroom, today we barely spoke. Just a few words at the end of the day.

This silent treatment (if I let it) can go on for days and days.

We are suppose to be "fixing" this shit. So he gets upset cause I threw more proof at him. He says I have to stop this, to stop digging. That I have to let it go. That he told me the truth and lets move on.

I am reading the Healing Library definition of "reconciliation".

Should I approach him and get to the bottom of this? Or should I just wait it out. Let him come to me and see what he has to say. It is killing me, the silence, the bad air ...

brkn_heartd posted 7/30/2013 20:31 PM

YOU cannot heal if the two of you do not work through it. The silent treatment will not get it. He needs to come 100% clean where there is nothing left to find. You are still new into this and I am sure he is "tired" of it already. That is too bad for him. He put you into this mess.

How can you heal if he will not disclose and leave you feeling like you have to hunt to get the answers? Give him the ultimatum about coming clean. However, if he doesn't you need to be ready to live up to your ultimatum.

You are not wrong. He needs to realize this is a process and it will take a long time for you to feel safe and not feel the need to ask questions.

Are you doing counseling?

summerain posted 7/30/2013 20:34 PM

I never had experienced the silent treatment. However wh and I fights would get nasty very quick. I'm concerned that you pushed him as I know once that behaviour starts it's hard to get out of the pattern.

Our marriage counselor recommended that we keep the hard discussions to a place outside of the house. In a park. The down-side to that is my wh is generally only ever honest in the park.

But I really would recommend for you to go to him (with a drink or something he likes) and say "look I know this isn't pleasant for both of us". Let's go to the park and talk things out.

Sometimes we even had a picnic in the park. I think adults are not that much different to children in the way we all need a safe place to be honest.

I hope this has been somewhat useful!

Tearsoflove posted 7/30/2013 21:07 PM

My stepmother used to do the silent treatment. I loved it. I used to hope my dad would make her mad so she'd stop speaking to all of us for awhile...LOL.

Seriously, though. He does it because it bothers you. Look at it as a break from his bullshit and he'll probably get sick of you enjoying it so much...

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 9:07 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

Too_Trusting posted 7/31/2013 08:46 AM

I agree with brkn - he made the mess, he needs to man-up and do whatever it takes if he truly wants to reconcile.

Dr. Phil often says "you drove this into the ditch, you've got to pull it out." And, as for timeline? He also says "you do it UNTIL".

Of course he wants you to quit digging. He wants to quietly rugsweep this mess and go on with this happy life. Not. Gonna. Happen.

How are things today?

LivingALie posted 7/31/2013 10:04 AM

My H used to say this too “you have to let this go…you’re so suspicious” OMG I get so made even thinking about it now. What he didn’t seem to understand was the only way I could “let it go” was that we talk it out – not sweep it under the rug. We had 2 different definitions on how to “move on”. What it took for ME to move – wasn’t what he had in mind. Well – that’s for another post.

As for the silent treatment – my H used to do that too – and I’d always blink first (give in) because I couldn’t stand it. Stop the game. Whatever it is that you usually do – do something different this time. My H knew I couldn’t stand the silent treatment, it was a passive-aggressive approach – well, I decided to let him be silent as long as he wanted to – and I went on about my day with a smile on my face. It unnerved him.

Remember – you can’t change him – only how you react to him. Do something different.

TxsT posted 7/31/2013 11:25 AM

I couldn't move on until every shred of evidence was removed from our home, off our computers and off of his phone. Our therapist explained to him that each and everyone of these items, no matter how small they seemed to my WH was like a ticking time bomb just waiting to spring up and bite me in the butt!!! Triggers come in all shapes and sizes. I am prepared to have them pop up even years from now but for him to say stop digging and can't you just move on is highly insensitive to you and what he has put your through.

My answer to my husband when he questioned my actions was....I didn't ask for your A, you just decided my life would change forever for me. Get over your selfishness!

He now completely gets that so much of the reactions us BS go through is involuntary. It is our deep subconscious protecting us from further hurt. Once I made him come clean with our children (23,21) and his and my families, he has had a very different view to R. We now look for things together because he hates when something brings the tears all over again. I will tell him when I am feeling uncomfortable and that I want to look through his email and phone. I reassure him that it is helping me build trust. He gets it now....I hope your hubby will too.

You need to tell him how you feel when you see those items without making him feel like you are attacking him. Focus on the item not what the item represents. You will have much better success.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 11:26 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

solus sto posted 7/31/2013 11:32 AM

He says I have to stop this, to stop digging. That I have to let it go. That he told me the truth and lets move on.

Yeah. This ain't happening barely a month from the last d-day.

So. No remorse? No empathy? Just, "I already told you! Get over it!" (Because that is what he's telling you, albeit with different words.)

What insight into his infidelity does he have? Is he in IC? Or does he just think, "Well, I stopped doing it, so she needs to get over it?"

How do you see this panning out, over time?

The silent treatment is toddler behavior intended to get you to do something you're not ready to do (and WON'T BE ready to do---not for a good handful of years). It's infantile, and obnoxious, and completely undermines any chance at R.

atsenaotie posted 7/31/2013 11:39 AM

This silent treatment (if I let it) can go on for days and days.

All the other valid issues aside, one cannot R and have a sustained and emotionally intimate relationship with a person who views the silent treatment as a reasonable method of communication.

3Xthefool posted 7/31/2013 12:29 PM

It's difficult to say what the correct move is at this moment. I guess it depends on who initiated the silent treatment. I would say that if you initiated it, then you should be the determining factor as to when it ends. If he initiated it, I think you should wait it out a bit and give him some time to come to the realization that he is on the wrong side of the argument; but don't wait too long to break the silence because it can become a pattern that is difficult to break.

Case in point was my Dad who falsely accused my Mom of having an affair and gave her the silent treatment. Because of his pride he wouldn't apologize and didn't break the silence until 7years later when my Mom was dying of cancer. He regretted his poor choices at that point and realized too late that 7yrs of pride and bitterness not only stole happiness from her but also from himself.

In short, you will know in your heart when and how the silence should be stopped if he doesn't do it first.

tushnurse posted 7/31/2013 13:04 PM

This just goes hand in hand with his minimalizing continued lies and bullying. You my dear need to strap on a pair of thigh high, red leather, stiletto bitch boots. He wants to silent treatment you to show you your place again as he has been able to manipulate your behaviors and responses your entire relationship. Hell you felt guilty the other day for trying to discuss yet another new finding of phone sex.

Don't let him do it. He wants to be silent fine. Don't cook for him don't do his laundry don't even pay attention if he is home or not. When he finally comes around act happy and strong and ask calmly if he is now willing to discuss your latest findings like a grown up.

Seriously sister the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Time for you to switch it up an have him asking himself. WTF just happened. While he's being silent seems like a great opportunity to go see a lawyer too!

(((( and strength)))))

[This message edited by tushnurse at 1:07 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

livebythesea posted 7/31/2013 20:05 PM

What does it take for a man to realize how much infidelity hurts? Truly, this is an issue for us. He does not realize how much I need to talk about it, need to cry, need to see his guilt and regrets. He only wants to continue life like it never happened.

Are most H like this? He needs to go to counseling, I need for someone to get though his mind the damage he caused. Is counseling going to get through to him? If not, what will?

atsenaotie posted 8/1/2013 08:21 AM

Are most H like this?

I think this may be more a WS thing than a H thing.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/1/2013 10:20 AM

So he gets upset cause I threw more proof at him. He says I have to stop this, to stop digging. That I have to let it go. That he told me the truth and lets move on.

Well apparently, he HASN'T told you the whole truth or you wouldn't still be finding out things he hasn't told you. So he's full of baloney.

Secondly, the man is not remorseful at ALL. He's simply looking to cover his ass and minimize the 'crap' he hast to take from you because he got caught.

It's kind of hard to reconcile with someone who doesn't want to deal with what he DID to get to this stage.