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Im coming undone

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DoneWithLove posted 7/30/2013 23:08 PM

Im tired of TT, yeah hes trying his ass off but what about the affair? Im tired of being nice and defending him now when he always used to through me under the bus and let everyone talk bad about me, especially his mom. Why do I always have to be the mature responsible spouse? When do I get to kick back and make hasty decisions? He got to have his selfish fantasy because he needed to feel desired, while I waited for him to pull his head out of his ass... What about my selfish fantasies or me feeling desired? Did he honestly think that having an A would fix his problems or make me feel desired? No, infact it had the opposite effect... DUH! I don't understand why I cant have a revenge A and have no repercussions. Why have I had to answer for every little mistake throughout our entire relationship but he gets away scotch free after committing an unforgivably, selfish act? He seems remorseful but keeping things from me is unacceptable, especially after his history of deception. Idk if I can stay. Idk if I can get out of this rut with him and his A dragging me down. How do I live the rest of my life with him knowing what has happend and that I did everything I could to derail the negativity that snowballed into his A? I dont know him like I thaught I did and though the man he is now is someone Id like to claim as my H, I cant help but think about how he was, how easy it was for him to cheat and that everything we've been through didn't make him see my value. Why did it take wearing me down over the years and cheating as if to give me what I desurved, for him to see how hard ive always tried and how much he took for granted. I want to see myself growing old with him, its what ive always wanted for us, but now I cant see past next week. Im still so hurt, idk how I'll ever get through this. Im having such a hard time, he has no idea how much this is killing me. I love him so much but how can I live like this? How will I ever come out of this hell?

Markay81 posted 7/31/2013 02:14 AM

I don't have any great words of wisdom. But I want you to know you are not alone. I have days I think he got to pretend to be single. No worries. He got to go to the bar drink all night and be with his girlfriend. Why? Well because it was me at home taking care of the kids and house and making sure bills got paid. It was me dealing with sick kids, teachers and cat throw up. It was so easy for him to just forget about us. I get so angry in my head Im screaming FU FU FU! When my H talks about our future I have to stop him. There are times I can barely make it through the day yet alone think of next year.

confused615 posted 7/31/2013 06:14 AM

well,the first step out of this hell is that your WH has to stop the TT. He MUST tell you everything NOW. Today. Every time he TT's you,it sets you back to day 1. Have you printed off Joesph's Letter from the healing library? If not have him look at it. TT will destroy a marriage faster than an affair. For so many of us,it's not the cheating that destroyed everything,it's the lying and bullshit that comes after dday.

Im so sorry. It will get better. It takes time..and a proactive,remorseful,honest WS who is doing all they should be doing..and more.


DoneWithLove posted 7/31/2013 10:26 AM

I agree, the TT set us back and put me into a downward spiral for the last few days. I cant take this shit anymore, ive always been honest with him about everything. Why couldn't he just come clean from the beginning? Why put me through this, try so hard to keep me around and then piss all of our progress away because he either "forgot" or fudged the truth? I wont put up with his bad decision making. Thank you

ArableSands posted 7/31/2013 23:46 PM

Done, I'm a BS that's not quite 4 weeks out -- for what it's worth, if my WW TT'd me, I would be DONE. She gets ONE chance. She's used it up by me staying in the M for now while we work through MC. If new shit starts to bob to the surface, I will take everything apart, sell it, and make damned sure her family and all of our friends know that she cheated and lied and that's why our beautiful kids are have a broken home.

So for what it's worth, that's an angry BS's point of view who is not far along the MC track. You might want to heed the advice of folks who have been through much more of this. I am reminded by my rational best friend that I am supposed to wait 3-6 months before making final decisions, but I can tell you that a lie after DDay will KILL this marriage.

Sal1995 posted 7/31/2013 23:57 PM

I don't understand why I cant have a revenge A and have no repercussions.

I certainly understand this sentiment, I think every BS feels like this early on.

For me the answer was simple: my values, morals, and wedding vows aren't for sale, regardless of what my wife did. She doesn't have the power to make me less than I am.

Your question may have been rhetorical, but if it wasn't I hope this helps.

DoneWithLove posted 8/1/2013 00:13 AM

It makes my blood boil that I feel like I let him back in to soon. I shouldve let him burn instead of embracing him when he finally pulled his head out of his ass. At 4 weeks out, I was still crying everyday, sick to my stomach over what he has done to me and slowly deteriorating both mentally and physically. It gets a little easier to function over time but at times, its still very debilitating. I will never stoop to such a low level as the one that he chose to reside on. Thank you and Good luck

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