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Need some advice, how do I handle this?

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badchoice posted 7/31/2013 00:03 AM

BS and I Were talking tonight, and she is having a hard time right now. She is triggering because her birthday is coming up and she is not happy about that. I am also at a trade show that I invited OW too last year while I was in the middle of my EA, so that is coming up too.

Soon the phone tonight, we don't talk too often as we try to keep NC, but there have been some things with the house that I have been helping her with, she got upset and mad.

One thing she asked me was how am I going to give her 1/2 her life back? She feels like she wasted 1/2 of her life with me, and wants that time back.

I of course cannot give her time back, I told her that if I could I would. If I could change things I would, I texted her after the call telling her I understand why she is triggering and it's not fair, and that I am sorry.

So my question is, when she asks for time back, for years of my lying to her, what does she want to hear? What would be helpful? I just am not sure if what I am saying is helping or supportive?


authenticnow posted 7/31/2013 05:02 AM

She is in charge of her own healing. IMO, she needs to go to IC and figure out how to come to terms with that pain.

You are separated on your way to D? Help her when you need to, but if you're divorcing I think keeping it to business of settling the M is what you need to do.

You cannot change things, you cannot take away her pain. It is her journey and she is in charge of her healing as you are in charge of yours.

hardlessons posted 7/31/2013 08:06 AM

BC, I know you want R so when she asks for 1/2 her life back I would apologize for her feeling that way due to my actions and lies. Leave it at that.

Leave it at that because she has said Divorce period correct? At some point boundaries and expectations need to be laid out in a D format, which this isn't..

Good luck BC

Lucky2HaveMe posted 7/31/2013 08:27 AM

I would apologize for her feeling that way

Do not use these exact words. Those words are so un-authentic. Saying 'Sorry you feel that way' is a lot different than 'I'm sorry for what I did.'

Sorry you feel that way is minimizing her feelings and your A at the same time. Beware.

badchoice posted 7/31/2013 08:55 AM

Thanks for the advice.

Yes, she has said D, but I keep thinking that maybe we can sort this out,both heal more, and get through this.

After conversations like yesterday I see how far she is from healing, and how how unrealistic my thoughts of R are.

We have done NC a couple of times with various levels of success, and lately it is she who calls about things, and in my fucked u p head I think it is her getting close to consideration of R, but has not and is not anything like that.

Even with that realization, I want to help her in any way I can, so I do, and NC goes to the wayside. I build up a crazy thought that if only I am this or that way now, R will be possible, and then yesterday happens, and I see just how off I am.

She is in IC, we both are, and I know in my head she is in charge of her own healing, but my heart is not on the same page as my head right now.

Thanks again

tired girl posted 7/31/2013 09:46 AM


The way I see this situation is that every time this happens, it sets you back and it sets her back. You are failing to set boundaries and stick to them. And yes, setting boundaries with her applies. I know you feel guilty and that if you set boundaries with her you are somehow being mean. You have to be healthy with this relationship as well.

She is in charge of her healing at this point. She has chosen to do this apart from you and that includes her healing, stop allowing her to drag you into it. This is part of her bad boundaries.

Learn how to be healthy in all areas of your life, even this.

Good luck.

badchoice posted 8/21/2013 21:46 PM

I had to revisit this thread, re-read it and get level again.

I let this happen again, we were at a school open house this afternoon, and a conversation started about something I said to her about her work last week, and turned into a long conversation about how emotionally abusive I have been in the past.

I just feel sometimes like it is more of an ambush then a conversation. Yes, I have been emotional unavailable, abusive, uncaring, and not loving to her, but I don't know what to do with these conversations in the school playground.

I so want to have the conversations, but they really are not conversations. It winds up being one sided, and not healing for me.

I apologize to BW, but then try to express my feelings, and feel like they are not heard. I could see if we were in R how these conversation would be more conversational, but they don't seem to do any good.

I just don't know what to do. I want to so badly give her what she needs, sometimes out of guilt, sometimes out of feeling like its the least I can do, sometimes thinking if I only do it better, things will be different, but it never seems to help.

hardlessons posted 8/21/2013 23:16 PM

Hey BC, sorry about this. It will be the same though because your both doing the same thing. I am real good about doing that too and it is tough getting off the hamster wheel.. Wish I had something profound for you but it really is just a conscious decision to not get into the wheel. Takes one of you to break the cycle. Good luck BC

lieshurt posted 8/22/2013 07:43 AM

I apologize to BW, but then try to express my feelings, and feel like they are not heard.

Badchoice, I would say stop trying to express your feelings at that moment. She's telling you how she feels about what you've done. Telling her about your feelings, imho, basically takes the focus from what she is trying to express and redirects it to you. I would find that incredibly frustrating and I would feel like you don't really care about what I'm telling you.

tired girl posted 8/22/2013 08:43 AM


What lieshurt said is good, but also do you feel that you should continue to have these conversations with her? You two are not in R, these are conversations she should be having with an IC. You know her feelings at this point, you cannot further her healing and continuing with these conversations is crossing boundaries. Her healing needs to be taking place separate from you at this point.

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