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click4it posted 7/31/2013 00:37 AM

Need I say more?

Mommato4 posted 7/31/2013 00:43 AM

Nope.

caregiver9000 posted 7/31/2013 01:04 AM

(((clicky)))

DeadMumWalking posted 7/31/2013 01:54 AM

btdt ((((clicky))))

click4it posted 7/31/2013 02:02 AM

After telling ex-h that teen told me to "fucking do it myself" (when trying to fix a phone problem that ex-h had paid for)...and that it was OBVIOUSLY disrespectful...I get this:

Ex-h: "so let me get this straight...you didn't do x, y or z and neither did son...so if neither one of you want to call to fix it...its so easy and I can.."

well lets see you fucktard arrogant ASSHOLE....you missed the whole DAMN point. You missed the part where teen told me to "fucking do something"....

I've seriously had it tonight. I'm tired of talking to an arrogant asshole for the last 12 years, I'm tired of being walked on by my teen son, I'm tired of being the "nice" click to my best friend.. I'm tired of not having anyone to have my back.

And I'm probably tired of being smoke free since June 17, even though that's a good thing.

[This message edited by click4it at 2:08 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

woundedby2 posted 7/31/2013 02:20 AM

(((Click)))

DeadMumWalking posted 7/31/2013 04:29 AM

((((clicky))))

I TOTALLY GET the frustration with asshole who thinks the problem is fixing the phone.

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE PHONE ASSHOLE, IT'S ABOUT HOW I'M BEING TREATED AND DISRESPECTED BY MY OWN SON!!!!

It is difficult but necessary to draw the line with teens. How they can't disrespect you and then expect you to be there at their beck and call.

Example: DS2 (now 18) can get very abusive and disrespectful in his tone and with his words, but then wants me to drive him somewhere lickety split because he didn't get his shit together in time to get the train. Uh - NOT HAPPENING. I tell him that he should be treating me with more respect, and doubly so when he wants (actually expects) me to do him a FAVOR. He was much worse about this while he was 16/17, is mostly coming out of it now, and DOES respond positively to reminders about treating me respectfully.

It is hard to disengage from the whole situation, but that is really the best thing. If (when?) he treats you like that, you can say to him that you can see he is not ready to interact with you and that he can try again later when he is ready to treat you with respect. Then TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY. Do NOT get into a discussion about what he did (and he WILL start with the whole 'what did I do' bullshit). Do something else, but do NOT explain anything. If necessary, repeat the message (but only once) that you do NOT ACCEPT being treated or spoken to in a disrespectful manner.

In a calmer moment, you can lay out for him the behavior you expect from him, as well as what he can expect from you. (Yeah, that's the hard part - we have to treat them with respect too!! ) You can also decide (alone or together) the consequences for breaching the behavior rules, typically losing some kind of privilege that is meaningful to him - no electronics for a day (or 2 or 3, depending on the seriousness), grounded, extra chore(s), giving up allowance, etc. Not all at once, of course, but try to pick something that will hit him.

And when he DOES get a consequence, you do NOT need to explain, just apply it. 'I do not accept disrespect, you will now (lose allowance, be grounded, whatever). Then leave. No arguments, no explanations, no giving in to him pleading his case - how he 'didn't know' or you 'didn't warn him' or ..... whatever excuse.

Good luck, I don't know how old he is, but the teen years are hard on them AND us.

Great job on smokelessness, stay strong!!

((((clicky))))

Sad in AZ posted 7/31/2013 06:04 AM

DMW has it right; the 180 (slightly modified) works great with family members, even kids.

StrongerOne posted 7/31/2013 21:53 PM

DMW, you have hit it exactly. Works with kids of any age.

ETA, click4it, FTG to your X. What a tool.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 9:54 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 7/31/2013 22:08 PM

(((click)))

incredulous posted 7/31/2013 22:25 PM

(((click)))

Hard to say which is worse, the teen or his dad...

click4it posted 8/1/2013 00:44 AM

Thanks all...

I know I'm not the only one who has or had struggled with the teen years. Its amazing to me how much they are like the toddler years...except my teen did not have "bad" toddler years so I guess he's making up for them!

DM- you are right and gave some great advice. He totally gets me to engage with him everytime and I bite because by nature I like to argue my point to death and because I'm the mom I don't want to be talked "down" to and just walk away.

I've taken a 12 week parenting course once and learned a lot and just need to remember what they taught me.

As for the ex - guess he missed his toddler and teen years and is making them up now in adulthood.

[This message edited by click4it at 12:44 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

DeadMumWalking posted 8/1/2013 01:42 AM

He totally gets me to engage with him everytime and I bite because by nature I like to argue my point to death

Are you me??

Yes, the hardest part for me was turning around and walking away without engaging. But this sends an infinitely more powerful message than any words could possibly say.

Once you engage with him in any way, then he's won.

Good luck, and just hang in there. Things don't change as quickly as we would like, so you just have to get through it the best you can.

Teens!!

jo2love posted 8/1/2013 09:36 AM

(((click)))