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I need help getting threw this phase (yr2)

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16forever posted 7/31/2013 03:33 AM

We are 16 mos past D day and may 2012 is when he came back to me and left her house were he moved in I am having a tough time lately I have been angry , hurt , and just kinda whatever now my next words plz be kind after he came home I didn't fight about A stuff I didn't throw it in his face I guess I have kinda bottled I know this is not good i am just trying to forget and move on but it's still on my mind 24 /7 I don't want it there , I want to be happy feel loved and wanted he says nice things to me tipical things like iloveyou so much I can't live with out you ...... That stuff why don't I believe it more why can't I feel it I think sum has to do with all the nice things stopped about 8 mos ago like flowers ,dates special notes he promised we would renew our vows I even bought a dress a wedding dress to boot I never got to wear one but sadly unless I make it a priority he doesn't he won't stay up for us time to! I just need advice on how to get past this stage somedays I just don't know what to do maybe it just to hard to believe all the sweet words when he said so many hurtful ones maybe to many A,s happened for so long I just can't wrap my head around it all Iam in a bad spot rite now and don't know how to get to good spot anyone got sum advice

atsenaotie posted 7/31/2013 08:55 AM

Hi 16forever,

I think this might be R

There is no official definition of R, but for many couples a successful and sustainable R includes most of the following.
NC established
The WS has identified and owned his or her issues that led to the A. Has made progress in replacing wayward thinking with more realistic perceptions and behaviors.
The BS has worked through the feelings and emotions resulting from dday, and is at a place of acceptance, if not forgiveness of the A. The BS is ready to accept the WS as a full partner in the M.
Both partners work at improving communication, stepping up their relationship skills, and re-dedicating themselves to the M.

I do not see these things in your post. Your WS moved back in to the house with you, but I do not see any discussion of him attending IC, reading books like Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines and discussing them with you. Has he done anything to demonstrate sustained changed behaviors on boundaries, emotional intimacy, and communication?

I have kinda bottled I know this is not good i am just trying to forget and move on but it's still on my mind 24 /7

Just as the WS has to do work to get to the point to work on R, so does the BS. The BS has to work through the feelings and emotions, not stuff them or try to get past them. You asked for advice, talk with your WH about these things. Talk about the sweet words versus actions that he does not follow-through on. Ask him why he has stopped the flowers, dates, and special notes. Ask him to read Not Just Friends and Sexual Detours with you and discuss them with you. Ask him what he has changed so that he will not look to an OP in the future when he feels stressed, unloved, or whatever was his issue triggering the A. If he is not willing to do these relatively simple things, it is unlikely he will be able to do the work on avoiding conflict avoidance, improving intimate communication, and enforcing good relationship boundaries.

He needs to prove to you that it is safe for you to reinvest with him emotionally. This proof must be actions, sustained actions.

You should work on a plan B in case he is unwilling or unable to be a safe and supportive M partner. Can you survive with your children if you D? Have tyou talked with an attorney to know what to expect in a D? Can you begin to save some money for a fund in case you decide it is time to leave or kick him out?

Good luck and best wishes.

16forever posted 8/1/2013 02:47 AM

Thank you atsenaotie I will work on these things and thanks for your wonderful advice ...... I will work very hard on these things but no he isn't in ic and we only had two mc sessions we stopped going to the church were the councilors were at and the never called back and our inn doesn't pay for that kinda stuff

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