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Limbo land

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confused777 posted 7/31/2013 07:59 AM

So I was reading up on why people say they cheat and a bunch of confessed cheaters said its because they knew their partner wouldn't leave them. Some others said it was because they wanted to end the relationship and they were shocked the other person stayed.

I am heart broken as I realize my staying wil enable him to cheat and believe he wil get away with it.

I also think he doesn't care if I leave and he's flattered by me staying so he's cake eating.

I see I have to seperate from him to get the change I want. My fear is he won't chase me as I am very in love with him. However I know I deserve better and I have no intention of getting a std.

So, how do I get the courage to leave?

myperfectlife posted 7/31/2013 08:09 AM

((((confused)))
So sorry you are in this position.
I know others will come along and offer better advice, as I am new here as well.
My only personal advice is that you don't need courage to take action. Courage and motivation are not things we need to act, they are the result of the actions. As you do more for yourself, with your own health in mind, the courage will manifest itself.
There is a long, bumpy road ahead. Keep coming back for help, the people here are amazing.

womaninflux posted 7/31/2013 08:27 AM

Other reasons why cheaters cheat: Very few of them ever think they will get caught; they never think about the consequences of cheating (especially the spillover of stress onto the whole family...not just the betrayed spouse); the WS and the AP are both basically self centered people who aren't thinking of anyone except their own short term pleasure and trying to get away with something (which is also part of the fun!).

I haven't left (yet) but I saw a lawyer and have been on the verge of filing for divorce since shortly after DD. WH knows I am locked and loaded in this regard.

We have two young kids and I am holding off on making a big decision like that until we have had a year to figure out if this is going to work out or not. He's begun therapy with a CSAT and also we're in MC. I've been told about a hundred times that as long as I am seeing changes, it's a good sign.

One very important thing for you: You need to work on yourself. Not that you did anything to cause this or that you need to take the blame...but it will help you get the confidence you need regardless of what happens in your relationship. This the #1 thing I have learned from this HORRIBLE experience. No one else is going to take care of YOU but YOU. So do it. Take long walks; journal; get a new haircut; make an appointment for a massage; hire a personal trainer; attend therapy; etc.

Remember, if you don't know WHAT to do, do NOTHING. No one is forcing you to make any decision. It's also not good to make a decision when you are depressed or unstable in some way. In the end you have to decide what is right for you. Talking to other people who have their own agenda and project their own feelings about the hurt caused to you by him definitely taints the advice you get. Everyone tells me you definitely KNOW when you are ready to make a decision and don't change your mind.

Lastly, the one consistent thing I have learned from asking much older women who got divorced is that they wish they'd done it sooner (like divorced in their 40's vs. in their 50s). That is something I am thinking about, too.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 8:34 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

sadone29 posted 7/31/2013 08:33 AM

Hi confused. I've been following your posts (here and in the sex addict thread). I'm so sorry for your pain. It's been 5 months for me and I still feel like I'm in limbo land.
But, you have to be able to let go to see if there's anything left to save. I told my H that the only way I would even begin to feel safe enough to stick around (even just to see what's left) was if he joined a 12 step group (sexaholics anonymous). It took him a while, but now, he's really committed to it and working hard. It still might not be enough for me, but at least we're both trying to heal.
If your partner isn't willing to do any of the heavy lifting to help you both heal, you will have your answer. Isn't it better to know either way?

(((confused)))

sadone29 posted 7/31/2013 08:37 AM

In line with what womaninflux was saying, even with H going to his group, I haven't made any decisions. He keeps pushing for one because he's uncomfortable with the limbo, but I keep having to tell him to chill. You need to work on your schedule! And if your H isn't willing to go to group or counselling right away, you can still just take that time to work on you.

confused777 posted 7/31/2013 17:59 PM

He apologized for our fight where he asked for a divorce. Said I can ask him anything (like ill get the truth ). He said the night of our fight that he realizes I will never trust him again. He then said he doesn't blame me and why should I trust him.

What got him upset is when I told him that I am my therapist said he'd to offend without help. I guess he thinks I've given up on him. I told him I would probably feel differently if I saw him get real help. He said he's not ready for therapy. Well I'm not ready to wait for you to decide.

I can't believe this is my marriage and my soulmate It's almost funny but not

nestlee posted 7/31/2013 18:24 PM

He doesn't deserve a good woman like you. You should never settle to be second in a relationship. You deserve to be treated with respect. Don't let him have his cake and eat it. Know your worth. You deserve so much better. Once your gone..in time he'll realize he lost a good woman..but U won't care..cause you will also realize U deserve a good man. Hugs..stay strong.

Phoenix9572 posted 8/1/2013 07:53 AM

Confused,

I can totally relate to how you feel. My MC/IC basically pointed out that my WH knew that because I took my vows to him so seriously he knew he could pretty much get away with anything and I would stay with him. I feel like I too am stroking his ego by staying. I even asked in IC if I was letting myself be a doormat but trying to get past all the things he's confessed to over the last couple of months. She said I wasn't and she would let me know if she felt that was what was happening. Not sure if that really made me feel any better.
Limbo land sucks and it's exhausting. The best thing you can do is realize you have to take care of yourself first and always.

tushnurse posted 8/1/2013 10:47 AM

(((Confused))))
When you are dealing with addiction I think its a bit harder to get the WS to defog, and see what they are going to loose. With that said, I agree that you may have to leave, or even better make him leave, to start getting him to work on himself, and have a chance at R.

So to answer your question how do you get the strength?
You make a plan, you get answers, you decide what you need, and how to get it.
1. See a lawyer - Find out how a D would work, find out what your rights are, get answers to the "what if's".
2. Sit down, and figure out what exactly you need from him for him to stay at this point? Bare minimum.
You want him to delete his profiles? You want him to get STD tested? You need him to go to a therapist preferable a sex addiction therapist? Whatever. You write those things down, and you figure out the consequences if he chooses not to do those things, and if those are the things you need, then you also give him deadlines for accomplishing them. If he chooses not to even try, then he doesn't get it, and you need to throw him out. If chooses to try, but fails, then you need to stick to the consequences.

Relationships that heal, and R the WS doesn't simply get away with it. The WS takes ownership of what they did, and does the hard work of fixing themself, and with the BS the hard work of healing the relationship.
I think many FWS that have R'd can tell you they don't feel like they got away with anything, in fact many will tell you they are thankful for the BS giving them the opportunities to save themselves and their M's.

((((and strength))))

krazy8516 posted 8/1/2013 10:58 AM

I see I have to seperate from him to get the change I want. My fear is he won't chase me as I am very in love with him. However I know I deserve better and I have no intention of getting a std.

This is my reality dear. I told him officially yesterday that if he won't give me what I need to feel safe, then it's over. He refused. I was really hoping he would fight for me. If we're not worth it to them, they shouldn't be worth it to us. I know that hurts when you love someone so much, and I am still trying to get my head around it. The key is, you said you know you deserve better... so find it. And better isn't necessarily someone else - for right now, better is just a life without a lying, cheating, jackass of a husband.

::hugs::

[This message edited by krazy8516 at 10:59 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

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