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incredulous posted 7/31/2013 08:32 AM

I'm thinking of sending this letter to XWH, who insisted that my 17-year old DD be uninvited from DSD's wedding. We have been NC for 5 years, as has DD.

I don't really expect any response, or any change in his actions, but it makes me feel better to send this. I know we say "NC= no new hurts" but he's hurt my kid, and nothing hurts worse than that.

Somebody tell me why I shouldn't send this.

XWH,

I don't even know if you'll read this, but I really feel like I need to tell you what you've done to DD by asking DSD to uninvite her from her wedding. As you know, DD is a kid who has dealt with loss and abandonment early in her life. When you and DSD and DSD2 and your whole family left, she lost another family- a lot for any11-year old to deal with, but even harder for DD. She has managed to stay in touch with DSD and DSD2, though not as often as we'd like. Why? Lots of reasons, but truthfully, at first it was just too hard, and I couldn't see your girls without crying. They were also at stages in their life when I didn't want to be another obligation -- they already had to split time with you and first wife and her husband's family, and I didn't want us to be someone else they had to see. Despite that, DD has always considered your girls her sisters. You and I have siblings we've grown up with, and we know that DD's relationship with DSD and DSD2 isn't the same as the relationship we have with our siblings; it's not the same or anywhere close to the relationship DSD and DSD2 have with each other. We know that, DSD and DSD2 know that, but it's the closest thing to a sibling relationship DD has had, and she treasures it.

As soon as we learned DSD and fiance were engaged, DD began to wonder if we would get invited to the wedding. I tried to keep her hopes down because I thought you would be uncomfortable. She accepted that you might not want me there, but maybe she would be invited. When we got a save the date in March, DD was so excited that she called me at work, so happy she was almost in tears. She had already texted DSD that we would definitely come. We even bought DD a dress, which has been hanging in her closet for months now. When it was nearly July and we hadn't received an invitation yet, I started to get nervous, so I asked DSD's mom if we were getting an invitation. I explained to her that I wanted to be able to prepare DD because she was so looking forward to it. DSD decided to invite DD because she knew how excited DD was. Once DD got the invitation, she immediately took off work and had her boyfriend do the same, so there would be no chance she'd miss it.

When DSD's mom called me and told me you were upset, I told DD. She was devastated, but when she composed herself, had two reactions: first, that she wouldn't go because it was DSD's day, and she knew DSD wouldn't be happy if you weren't happy. She even wanted to tell DSD she had to work, so DSD wouldn't be upset with you that DD wasn't there. Her second reaction: disappointment because she thought you'd be happy to see her. She wanted to tell you how she's doing, that she's looking at colleges, that she wants to be a teacher. She thought you'd be proud of her. Instead, she got the message that her mere presence at DSD's wedding bothered you so much that you were willing to upset DSD and fiance and insist that they actually un-invite a teen-age girl.

Can you imagine being a 17-year old girl, who already struggles with self-esteem issues and just wants to be loved and accepted, getting that message from a man she used to call "Dad"? She's not angry, she is just so incredibly sad, and wondering what's wrong with her that the people she loves keep running away from her. I keep telling her that it's not her fault, but that's difficult for a teenager with her life experiences to understand.

It saddens me that you don't know DD better than that. She loves DSD and your whole family, and misses them. She simply wanted to see DSD and fiance get married. She understood that she might be sitting with strangers, that she probably wouldn't get to talk to family much, etc. Yet, being invited was proof that she wasn't forgotten, that leaving wasn't about her. Being un-invited has reinforced every negative thought she ever had that it's her fault people she loves leave. I know that wasn't your intention, but I thought you'd want to know.

She's just a kid, a kid whose life was thrown into turmoil because we met, married and divorced. She had no say in any of that, and may not have always reacted in the best way. All she ever wanted, though, was to be loved and accepted. You and your family did a wonderful job of that when we came into your lives, and being invited to DSD's wedding was proof to DD that she was still accepted, though not still part of the family. The rejection of being un-invited feels very personal to DD, and cuts really deep. I thought you'd want to know.

By the way, you'd be proud of the way DSD handled the conversation with DD. It was obviously difficult for her, but she was compassionate and kind and understanding. She's become a pretty remarkable young woman, and seems very happy. I'm happy for her and fiance. Congratulations on the wedding.

Incredulous

Sad in AZ posted 7/31/2013 08:48 AM

Geez; do NOT send that to him; all he's going to read is: Blah, blah, blah, Congratulations on the wedding.

Don't send anything; would your DD even go now if the invitation were re-extended? I think the kids have handled it as best they could, albeit your DSD has no backbone, which won't do her well in life, but your DD--a shining star.

If you had to send anything (and I don't think you should) it should say:

Fuckwit,

You tried to crush the spirit of a fragile 17-year old, but you couldn't even succeed at that. You are a loser in every sense of the word. Fuck you.

Cookie7088 posted 7/31/2013 09:00 AM

Don't send it. He does not give a rats-ass who he hurts....and the damage is already done!

As tough as it seems, this is a most-valuable lesson for your daughter. If not for her realizing what an ass your ex is...and secondly, that her step-sister has a lot more growing up to do.

If I wanted someone at my wedding, someone would be at my wedding...the SDS could have picked up the phone and called YOU to explain why it wouldn't be an ideal situation for YOU to attend, but still requested DD to attend.

Walk away from this....an absolutely don't feel the obligation to send a gift...

nowiknow23 posted 7/31/2013 09:10 AM

((((((((DD and DSD)))))))

missmydogs posted 7/31/2013 09:28 AM

The letter, while heartbreaking and touching to us, won't get the reaction you want it to with him. He's clearly not capable of compassion. If you must write him make it short and to the point.

Shithead,

Hope you feel like a big man for crushing a 16 year old girls' feelings. Maybe by doing so, it will make you feel better about your small penis.
This will come back to haunt you when DSD is older. When you're no longer capable of manipulating her through money. But for now go die in a hole.

heartbroken_kk posted 7/31/2013 12:09 PM

I would ask you to consider if sending the letter would possibly cause harm somewhere to either DSD or DD.

If he considers contact an invitation to further abuse DD somehow? What then?

If DD has become a proxy for YOU, and the univitation was meant to hurt YOU, this letter may prove that he succeeded.

My other take is, too many words. Just waaaay too much information.

If you really want to try to intervene on DDs behalf, I would urge you to consider all the possible outcomes for your DD, as well as DSD. What is the worst that can happen?

I think you've written the letter as an excellent exercise in getting your feelings and thoughts out. Now that you've done that, I think you really need to evaluate the downsides of sharing those thoughts and feelings with someone who probably wants to hurt you. How can this letter be used against you and your DD? Because I'd assume it is more likely to be used for evil than good, sadly

Kajem posted 7/31/2013 19:13 PM

I wouldn't send it.

DD knows she was wanted br DSD and fiancé . To beat this horse over and over is not your place. The girls are old enough now to handle their relationship on their own-let them .

Hugs, I know it hurts your heart to watch this play out between the girls. It needs to be between them.

Hugs,

K

Take2 posted 7/31/2013 20:21 PM

It is a reasonable passion-filled, compassionate letter and it would be completely wasted on him. I wouldn't send it either.

incredulous posted 7/31/2013 21:59 PM

Thanks for the responses. I knew you'd all tell me not to send it, but I had to ask! I know you're all right, too. It's like I slipped back into that mindset I had right after D-day, when I thought the man I married still existed, and if I could just say the right thing, he'd come to his senses!

Sad and missmydogs, your letters made me laugh at loud! Thank you for that; I didn't think a conversation about this topic could make me laugh!