SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

tell me about your experiences with first dates. Pretend you have been texting and/or emailing for a week or so and have agreed to meet for a drink.
What do you talk about? Has it felt awkward or friendly? Did you feel excited or not? Why or why not?

I've got two coming up. I need to plan in my head what to expect so I'm turning to YOU, friends of SI!

When I was online dating I went on a few first dates. I would usually look at their profile before heading to the meeting place so I would have a fresh memory of their interest. I would ask them about their interests and hobbies, what they liked about them (what they got out of them), how often they did them. I would ask them about their job, how long they had been there, what they liked about it and what they didn't.

It's kind of like interviewing for a partner. You ask them questions to get an idea of whether they would be a suitable candidate. I wouldn't ask them directly if they were lazy but instead would ask what they did last weekend to see if they were active or sat around all weekend. When I asked about their job and what they liked and disliked I paid attention to the answers. If they complained about their boss or coworker more than they talked about their likes I would take that as a pink flag. And I paid attention to whether they were giving off an optimistic or pessimistic vibe.

If the topic of past relationships came up (I always let them bring it up) I would give a quick answer not going into too much detail and then turn the same question over to them to get a sense of whether they were bitter or ready for a relationship.

I have bad anxiety problems so I was pretty nervous going into the first date but having a few questions already prepared helped a lot. If there were any awkward silences I was able to ask one of my questions. I also tried to keep the conversation around 50/50. If it seemed like I was doing all the talking I would ask them a question.

The best way to go into the first date is to look at it as getting to know the other person and decide if they warrant a second date. Don't fret about whether they like you and if you will get a second date, just be yourself. If they don't like that then they aren't right for you.

The only difficult part for me was the initial "sizing up"...actually meeting them. Then it was a breeze for me from there. I have a background in recruiting, so I "interview" well, I know how to deal with any awkward silences very quickly. I would focus on hobbies/kids/work/what they do for fun.

One of my favorite questions to ask is "How did you end up in XXnameofcityXX?" That always opens up travel/where they used to live/college/work/family and a great starting ground for multiple subjects.

Usually I am excited to actually MEET them, so the first few minutes is filled with tons of chatting. I've always done lunch/dinner dates...so focusing on the menu is a great ice breaker.

Have fun!

Generally I would spend the first 10 minutes of the ride to meet them cursing myself for engaging in online dating at all. This was of course after I spent most of the previous hour or so while getting ready trying to make up an excuse not to go at all.

Then I would try to remember that all I was doing was meeting someone new for the first time and remind myself of how many people I've met over the years in various situations and that I am actually rather good at it.

I found that if I asked a bunch of questions--you know, the standard ones like work, kids, school, family, what they do in their free time, how did you get to this point in your life, etc. the time really flew by. I was lucky to never meet anyone who wasn't a great talker so I didn't have to worry about what I would say. And there really was something interesting and worthwhile about everyone I met.

I found that if I kept my expectations for anything but meeting a new friend very low and told myself that at least I was out and about instead of being at home sitting in front of the TV or cleaning the bathroom I was much more positive about the whole experience.

Just try to relax and have fun, be yourself and enjoy it!

The first gal I dated was nice, comfortable, and interesting, but she was very analytical, and we really did not click...

The second gal was and continues to amaze me! Our emails and phone calls prior to meeting were like we knew each other all of our lives, so when we met for dinner I was absolutely calm, not nervous, and totally relaxed and comfortable. The time flew by, was so exciting, and truly was fantastic in all ways.

I agree, try to relax, don't stress any blunders (actually laugh about them!), don't be afraid and second guess too much. I found myself holding her hand much of the time during dinner, and everything felt just right.

If you are ready, dating is so great to get back out there and feel "normal", even desirable again after the shit we have been through.
Best of luck, and please report back!

I've had a couple recently. All went well during the date, I'm still seeing the first guy, the second guy and we weren't a match (mutually) but we had a nice time during the date and he offered to buy (we had appetizers and drinks).

I have another planned for this weekend though I'm a little nervous, even though we've had great phone conversation so far.

So I think it's natural to feel a little apprehensive and enjoy meeting someone new, no matter how it works out.

First: The spirit of curiosity: Who is this person, what do they like to do, how will I feel with them? Simple conversation to find out. Nothing heavy.

Second: Low expectations and an easy out. Not much more than a drink and a quick guage, then I could be on my way. My time is precious! Just enough to say yay or nay on a second date.

Third: Using my senses to stay in the present. What are the colors in the restaurant like, what is the texture of the furniture like against my skin, the tone of his voice, how my stomach feels. This helps me notice whether or not I can enjoy myself in his company and it gets me out of my head, out of self-doubt. And yes I can converse and still be in touch with my senses.

Good luck!!!!!

I understand the nerves, but after all the first dates I've had, I now know the nervousness has always been for nothing. I keep my expectations low and see it as simply "meeting" a new person.

And 90% of the guys I've met have liked to talk about themselves so the conversation keeps flowing with just a couple of questions from me. I'm quite impressed if my date takes a break from his monologue and asks me a question or two. I don't see this as a character flaw...just what some people do when they are anxious..talk about themselves.

I agree with reviewing his profile and your emails before the date and ask about things you've already talked about...ask about his job, his hobbies, his family etc. I learn so much from listening...

Remember your date is probably nervous too!!

I don't post very often, but do try to look for topics and discussions similar to what's going on for me.
I have been OLD since January. First guy, email, phone conversation, spur of the moment burrito. He talked over me, cussed and was loud. It was two hours of my life I will never get back.
When I got in my car, I cried all the way home. I was mad at my WXH for putting me in this position.
By the time I got home, I felt much better. I was proud of myself for going.
A month later, a second guy, emails, phone calls, coffee and a burger.
When he hugged me like his sister and said thanks for coming, I knew. Sure enough, the next day I got the dreaded text....I don't think we're a good match. Never heard from him again.
30 days later, emails, text messages, coffee, coffee, dinner, all day coffee and lunch and a drink. shopping, etc and adult activities! Awesome. Friend with benefits.
Last guy, emails and texts and phone conversations, dinner and then lunch a couple of days later, and a day trip to San Francisco!
I have loved every minute of it! I have met new people, I've gotten off the couch, I have bought new clothes, I have learned that all the sexy stuff about me I've still got and know how to use!
And I know, that no matter if any of these relationships work out or not, that I'm going to be ok. That feeling is very liberating and freeing.
So, put yourself out there, be brave, be yourself. Tell your story, listen to theirs and know that they can't take away your birthday if they don't like you!
GO ME!

I alway prepare possible questions/topics just in case the conversation lags.

On my cheat-sheet cards (he never knows I have them ), I also include possible funny stories to share.

I figured if he is really quiet....I don't want to sit there spatting of an entire list of questions and make him feel like I am conducting a quiz so I trickle in some other stuff.

So far I have been very lucky, even the guy who SAID he was extremely shy, quiet and nervous could carry on his part of the conversation. We ended up at dinner for 4 hours.

Thanks people - these kinds of things are exactly what I needed to hear. I'm so out of practice (duh!) that it's the practical things I need refreshers on.

As it turns out, both dates are on Saturday, one for lunch and one for dinner. Talk about weird timing! At least they will both be over in one day and I can recover on Sunday.

Did I mention they both have the same name?? ONLY ME I say, ONLY ME, lol. Two dates, same day, guys with same name.

Best of luck, and I truly hope you relish the feeling of getting back out there, and feeling all the good that being with a decent person can do.

As an example, here is an email from our first date a few weeks ago, and she continues to amaze me:

Best of luck NMK!

Sigh, first dates! This is why I don't like dating

He was probably being cheap. I hate when people ask you out and they try to be cheap about it. Like, they dont want to 'commit' to dinner, ya know? At this stage in the game, I have no problem stating that I'd like to eat and then order something, even if it's just an app.

Sounds like a rude dude. If you're meeting me at 6:30pm, after work, I would expect some kind of dining to take place.

Next!