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Nicnac posted 7/31/2013 09:27 AM

I don't know where else to go to for support. I received a message from someone claiming to have been sleeping with my husband for the past month. Her details added up. When I confronted my husband he denied it at first but eventually admitted it. I don't know where to go from here. He agreed to marriage counseling, in fact he suggested it. But I am not sure we can even afford it. I don't think he gets just how bad this is. I don't even want him to touch me. Every time I close my eyes I picture him with her. I don't want to leave, I am willing to work it out but I am not sure I can get to a place where I can live with what he has done. Not only that he cheated, but the lies on top of lies. I don't feel like there was even a tiny speck of a reason for this to happen, which makes me feel like it's just going to happen again. What hurts the most is him admitting that he thought I'd take our daughter and leave if I ever found out, which means he knowingly risked losing his family over and over again. I keep telling him I just don't get it. How can he risk so much for something he was already getting at home? How could he come home to me after having been with her? I asked him what she had that he wasn't getting from me and he said "nothing". I just don't understand. I have so many emotions that I don even want to share with him. I feel like be doesn't deserve to know how I feel and i certainly don't want him to try to comfort me. What happens next? How do I get him to fully understand the extent to which this affects me?

unfound posted 7/31/2013 09:44 AM

welcome nicnac

Everything you're feeling is completely normal. It sucks.

First and foremost, nothing you did or didn't do, nothing happening or not happening in your M and nothing outside of your H himself had anything to do with why he had an affair. It's so hard, especially in the beginning, to try to put some kind of logic or explanation to this.

Not wanting to share your feelings with someone or be comforted by the person who did this to you is understandable. He'll have to earn that right back, and it will take a lot of time and work to do that.

It's good he's willing to do mc. There are some that will let you pay by a sliding scale, and if one of your employers offers a EAP, take advantage of it.

Has NC (no contact) been established? Does the OW have a spouse that needs to know?

If he really understand the extent that this is affecting you and the future of your M, then he'll step up and be consistent with his own healing as well as supporting you in yours.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. For now, make sure you're taking care of yourself, eating when you can , staying hydrated etc.. SI is a great place for venting, getting advice from those that are going through this and who have gone through it.. we understand.

Nicnac posted 7/31/2013 10:18 AM

I found out from the OW, because her spouse found out. My husband claims he ended it, but I think it ended because she got caught and stopped talking to him. She has been very forthcoming and has answered all of my questions. I don't trust that he will tell me the truth, since he denied it when I confronted him even after I told him she told me everything. He says he's willing but it's only been 2 days and he's already complaining about sleeping on the couch...

TxsT posted 7/31/2013 10:59 AM


I am sorry you have joined us but please know we all understand where you are right now and how much you hurt.

Please know that his ultimate decision for his actions was his alone. You did not force him to make this move. There may be some underlying problems in your marriage that you are unaware of but that still doesn't make what he ultimately did right.

If you can't afford counseling then there is some great information on this web site under healing library. I personally also suggest you get two books that our therapist recommended to us that have helped me immeasurably through my healing process. Both are written by Janis Abrahms. "After the affair, healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful" and "How can I forgive you, courage to forgive, the freedom not to". I hope these help.

I know right now you are in shock mode. Sleeping, eating and just feeling hurt like hell. Please know there are many people here who will listen and understand exactly how you feel.


Skan posted 7/31/2013 12:51 PM

He says he's willing but it's only been 2 days and he's already complaining about sleeping on the couch...

You have to look at his actions, not his words. His words right now are Bull. If his actions don't back up his words, then his words are worthless. Remember, he is a liar that got caught. That means that he's going to lie to you as much as possible, and do the minimum possible, until and if he finally feels remorse. Right now, all he's feeling is regreat that he got caught.

Regreat: Oh damn, I got caught! I'm sorry. It was a mistake. I'll make it up to you. I don't want you to leave! I'll do everything in my power to make this better. I'll never do this again. I promise!

Remorse: I am so very sorry for hurting you. You didn't deserve this. This *decision* was completely mine it's all my fault that I went out and betrayed you. What can I do to help you? What do you need from me? Here's my phone, my computer, and my social media passwords do you need to put a tracker on my phone to make you feel safer? Please tell me what I can do to help you.

See the difference? Regreat I statements. It's all about me. And I'm going to do the minimum possible to go back to being able to be comfortable. Remorse it's all about the betrayed partner and what the WS can do to help them.

And you may want to tell your WH that if he's having a problem sleeping on the couch, he can go out and sleep under a tree instead. Then while you drop that bomb on him, here's another one that isn't so great. You, and he, need to have full panel STD/HIV tests run on yourselves. I know that makes your heart just break a bit more it sure was another blow to me too, when I had to make the call. And you need to insist that when his results come back that you see the original results or his doctor tells you, in person or via phone, what the results are. You cannot trust him to tell you the truth. Liars lie. You cannot trust that he practiced safe sex. Liars lie AND they convenently forget about oral sex, etc., that is not normally done with a latex shield.

I'm so very sorry. Please keep coming back. We're all here for you and unfortunately, we've all walked on your path. (((hugs)))

Nicnac posted 7/31/2013 20:42 PM

I actually think he is remorseful. He spent a good portion of today answering questions. I asked one that he didn't want to answer and when I reminded him that he said he'd answer my questions honestly he said "you're right" and gave me straight answers to that and a bunch of follow ups that I know he didn't want to answer either. He brought home chocolate today, too :)

I told him this morning that I wanted him to seek counseling. He made phone calls immediately. He has an appointment early next week to see someone who may offer us mc as well.

I've recognized this as an opportunistic affair. He told me they had rules. It was supposed to just be fun. He liked it because she showed so much desire for him. I think she may have developed feelings for him, I can tell in her messages to me (I am still talking to her to validate some of what he is saying to me). She is trying to work things out with her husband, so I don't feel threatened by her, I actually feel a little sorry for her. My husband has a complicated past, tormented childhood and massive PTSD from multiple deployments. His self-worth is destroyed, if it ever even fully developed. I've noticed a pattern of sabotage when he thinks he doesn't really deserve something he wants (which is most things) and I think that is what has happened here. This doesn't excuse him, and doesn't stop the thoughts of "is she better than me", but the realization has helped. I hope he comes to this on his own, as well, since I think it loses some profoundness if I have to tell all this to him!

I really appreciate the support and kind words I've received already <3

Gr8Lady posted 7/31/2013 21:26 PM

You mentioned in your posting WS has history of PTSD from past deployment. Also mentioned affording MC, please see what resources may be available from VA they have such wonderful resources. I know my younger brother has PTSD from deployment and the social services at VA has programs that could benefit you both.
I can assure you, the pain you are experiencing is overwhelming and check out healing library for info and articles on this site.

Nicnac posted 8/1/2013 05:52 AM

He did talk to the VA. He has an appt early next week for IC so he can at least deal with his issues which I believe are the root of the affair. This doesn't in anyway justify the affair, but helps me make some sense of it. They said they do MC on a case by case basis, so we will find out next week if the VA will offer us the MC. If not, we will seek it somewhere else because it is necessary and mandatory. But we are definitely heading in the right direction.

Gr8Lady posted 8/1/2013 07:41 AM

Yes VA does MC on case by case basis. You need to tell social worker at VA that you are both in crisis. The VA deals with this all the time. What a lot of BS do not realize is an affair can also cause PTSD to betrayed or wayward partner.
Good luck.

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