[This message edited by OldCow18 at 9:36 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
Just wanted you to know that you'd been heard.
I found out yesterday that my WH's OW was demoted at work, had all her subordinates taken away and now has an office in the back bowels of the company. Karma is such a bitch sometimes but now she is finally getting that SHE is the one with the problem.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
It's when the anger turns to himself for devastating you, demolishing your marriage, destroying your trust, taking chances with your health, debasing himself, and otherwise risking everything of real import in his life and being a total assclown in the process...THAT is when remorse is present in the building.
From your short post, it's not entirely clear where he's at now; however, it is clear that for 7 weeks he's been a petulant child.
He can say he's in a different place 'til he's blue in the face, but he needs to show it every hour of the day through his actions.
Best of luck, it's hell.
One way or another, you WILL get through this and you WILL feel happiness again....though I know it seems impossible at this stage of the game.
I now have such a complete saddness that envelopes me most days. I am sad that the world for me has forever changed. The excitement of life has been sucked out of me. Thankfully the crying spells have been greatly reduced and my meds hold my depression stable at a small ache but quite frankly my stomach turns when I think of how much pain the A has caused. It is all so sad.
WW was sobbing and remorseful (?) for the first 2 weeks after DDay; I had threatened divorce. Then she had anger kick in mixed with her remorse and regret.
We're now approaching a full 4 weeks after DDay. I saw a brief few hours of uncertainty and wimpyness on her part a few nights ago when I went out for a long run and came back clear-headed and not really needing to be around her. No sign of anger from her, just what may have been a need for reassurance. She's since reverted to some distance and anger.
Help me understand this?
[This message edited by ArableSands at 12:28 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
Just MHO, of course.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
You are a pure salve. I am so grateful for your perspective. I wish you lived nearby so during the week that my wife and kids are away I could visit you or call when I was feeling weak. I'd even make hot tea, and I do make a mean pot of Earl Grey.
He has to come to grips with the fact he was ridiculously selfish and a liar and a cheat. Unfortunately, the BS is a constant reminder of the depth of their ugliness.
The BS is rightfully hurt so they have a harder time rugsweeping their horrid choices because the consequences (the BS spouse's devastation) is a constant reminder.
They are angry because they have to deal with their own poor choices and constantly be reminded of what schmuck's they were/are.
This is hard on many of an ego.
It is still about him and not about you or your hurt. Regret vs. remorse. Big difference.
I am sorry you are hurting but know that this is not in anyway your fault. At all.
Look up the difference of regret vs. remorse. See where your WH is.
Hang in there and know that you matter, we care and there are better days on the horizon.
I agree with what Skan said. I'm in an S-Anon group now so that I can focus on healing myself - regardless of outcome of my H's therapies and the eventual outcome of our marriage. I can't control him - his actions, his therapy, his commitment to our marriage. I can only control myself. I hate to say it but I am only looking out for myself right now...and of course my kids.
OC - hang in there. The less said the better about how he feels. Asking him how he feels is kind of mothering him...and as my therapist said, "it's feeding the disease." Sounds like he is still in a bit of a fog, where he's missing his relationship/escape/the secret life and hasn't reconciled with reality. Give it some time.
I can't control him - his actions, his therapy, his commitment to our marriage. I can only control myself.
This, or a variation, should be on every betrayed spouse's lips. So
I can't control my wayward spouse, his/her actions, his/her feelings, or his/her commitment to our marriage. I can only control myself, and I will do so.