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He admitted last night that much of his anger over the last 7 weeks is due to being found out. I suppose I burst his "fun bubble". Man that hurts. He's says he's in a difference place now, but wow. Agonizing pain.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 9:36 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

Isn't it amazing that it's STILL all about them, even though their actions have completely and totally decimated those that love them the most?

Just wanted you to know that you'd been heard.

It takes some time for the realization that the selfish train has stopped for some, some never do get it. Watch actions, the path they chose is thiers to fix. I know the words can sting but are necessary for healing. I wish you well.

Too bad your are still dealing with his narcissism. I am not sure if you are ever going to get full satisfaction from this guy.

I found out yesterday that my WH's OW was demoted at work, had all her subordinates taken away and now has an office in the back bowels of the company. Karma is such a bitch sometimes but now she is finally getting that SHE is the one with the problem.

(((OldCow18)))

It's when the anger turns to himself for devastating you, demolishing your marriage, destroying your trust, taking chances with your health, debasing himself, and otherwise risking everything of real import in his life and being a total assclown in the process...THAT is when remorse is present in the building.

From your short post, it's not entirely clear where he's at now; however, it is clear that for 7 weeks he's been a petulant child.

He can say he's in a different place 'til he's blue in the face, but he needs to show it every hour of the day through his actions.

Best of luck, it's hell.

One way or another, you WILL get through this and you WILL feel happiness again....though I know it seems impossible at this stage of the game.

Since d-day he's vowed to make this better, he's shown remorse, etc. but he's also shown lots of anger. I asked him last night if me bursting his bubble was the reason why and he admitted it. He's been in IC and claims that he's had an epiphany and vows to be the man he needs to be, can't live without me, is in love with me, admitted that his anger was totally out of line and a bunch of bs, blah blah blah. But we all know his "vows" don't hold much water. We shall see. In the meantime, the absence of his anger has calmed me a bit, so there's that. This process effing blows.

Old.....Yes this process blows and, if I could I would wave my magic wand and make the world whole again for all of us!!!!

I now have such a complete saddness that envelopes me most days. I am sad that the world for me has forever changed. The excitement of life has been sucked out of me. Thankfully the crying spells have been greatly reduced and my meds hold my depression stable at a small ache but quite frankly my stomach turns when I think of how much pain the A has caused. It is all so sad.

Big hugs

T

I'm 4 1/2 months out and for the first 6-8 weeks or so, SAWH was SOOOOOO depressed I caught him (although the first 2 weeks he continued to sneak around and still see OW, which points to his illness and her idiocy). Finally around the end of the third month, something changed in him...it's like a switch flipped. And he's decided HE needs to work on himself to be a better husband, father, etc. We will see...I don't think a leopard can change its 42 yo spots quite so easily. Plus he doesn't like it when I am negative...it makes him depressed. Poor him. What a fucker.

womaninflux, maybe you can help shed light on my situation, since you've just been through a "flip-flop."

WW was sobbing and remorseful (?) for the first 2 weeks after DDay; I had threatened divorce. Then she had anger kick in mixed with her remorse and regret.

We're now approaching a full 4 weeks after DDay. I saw a brief few hours of uncertainty and wimpyness on her part a few nights ago when I went out for a long run and came back clear-headed and not really needing to be around her. No sign of anger from her, just what may have been a need for reassurance. She's since reverted to some distance and anger.

Help me understand this?

[This message edited by ArableSands at 12:28 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

A BS is VERY very attractive, when they are strong or, when they portray being strong. Strength, independance, centerdness, and peace within yourself make a BS very attractive and the WS gets a glimpse that the BS can Do Just Fine without them. That the BS is capable of healing and moving on to a better life without the WS. And that tends to bring out either a WS insecurities about being left, or great anger because they realize that they CAN be left. It's a fish-slap in the face, in a way, that lets the WS know that they are not the great catch that they think they are and that as they have thrown away their spouses and families during their affair, they too, can be thrown away or replaced by a healthy spouse.

Just MHO, of course.

Skan, how do I shrink you and put you on my keychain so I can always have you nearby to help me understand?

You are a pure salve. I am so grateful for your perspective. I wish you lived nearby so during the week that my wife and kids are away I could visit you or call when I was feeling weak. I'd even make hot tea, and I do make a mean pot of Earl Grey.

Realize it is HIS anger. And HIS anger is manifested over many aspects of HIS affair, not just getting discovered.

He has to come to grips with the fact he was ridiculously selfish and a liar and a cheat. Unfortunately, the BS is a constant reminder of the depth of their ugliness.

The BS is rightfully hurt so they have a harder time rugsweeping their horrid choices because the consequences (the BS spouse's devastation) is a constant reminder.

They are angry because they have to deal with their own poor choices and constantly be reminded of what schmuck's they were/are.

This is hard on many of an ego.

It is still about him and not about you or your hurt. Regret vs. remorse. Big difference.

I am sorry you are hurting but know that this is not in anyway your fault. At all.

Look up the difference of regret vs. remorse. See where your WH is.

Hang in there and know that you matter, we care and there are better days on the horizon.

(((hugs)))

Arable - It's a roller coaster ride. Ups/downs, twists/turns. For me, I think that is the way it is going to be for awhile. On the one hand, I DO feel better about things than I did 4 months ago. One the other, I am frustrated it is taking a long time to see improvement in him. I have been told 100 times by MC and his CSAT (yes, there is a SA component to his situation) that I need to be patient. But I was ready to leave him before I even found out about the affair. It's just happenstance that it came crashing down at once.

I agree with what Skan said. I'm in an S-Anon group now so that I can focus on healing myself - regardless of outcome of my H's therapies and the eventual outcome of our marriage. I can't control him - his actions, his therapy, his commitment to our marriage. I can only control myself. I hate to say it but I am only looking out for myself right now...and of course my kids.

OC - hang in there. The less said the better about how he feels. Asking him how he feels is kind of mothering him...and as my therapist said, "it's feeding the disease." Sounds like he is still in a bit of a fog, where he's missing his relationship/escape/the secret life and hasn't reconciled with reality. Give it some time.

womaninflux:

I can't control him - his actions, his therapy, his commitment to our marriage. I can only control myself.

This, or a variation, should be on every betrayed spouse's lips. So

I can't control my wayward spouse, his/her actions, his/her feelings, or his/her commitment to our marriage. I can only control myself, and I will do so.