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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: What is this?
lilies21
♀ 35833
Member # 35833
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, I havenít been on here for a while because weíve been giving R a try and I noticed that my coming here would set us back. We would be doing okay but then I would come here and read everyone elseís stories and it made mine feel fresh and new again and put us back at the beginning. Now I have an issue I think only people here can help with so Iím hoping to get a little advice.

Weíre in tentative R. Weíre together. Weíre trying. In part of that trying, weíre attempting to have sex but itís not going well. I justÖcanít. I canít bring myself to want it or want him. He never even physically cheated on me but the comments he made to me, the things he said about my body during that time, the perfectly airbrushed-women he would look at...I think all of that is still in my head and messing me up. We used to have sex several times a week. The longest we would go without would be three days. Now we can go three weeks without it and Iím fine but I know heís frustrated. The times we doÖafterward I feel like I have the flu. I feel feverish (no actual fever) and light-headed, so shaky that I can barely stand up straight, and I feel incredibly nauseous. Even when itís goodÖI feel like this after. It eventually passes within an hour. What is this? Is this anxiety?

Weíve done marriage counseling but it didnít seem to help. Iíve had several individual counseling sessions (ongoing) but I just havenít found where it has helped yet. The counselor keeps wanting to talk about my unbelievably bad childhood which I know has ties to my present feelings about sex but I just canít put out every bad memory and experience to someone I barely know. I havenít brought this up during a session yet and I canít get in for another three weeks (my work schedule, not the counselorís). Has anyone else experienced this? Thoughts? Thank you for reading. Iím sad this group has to exist but Iím glad itís here when itís needed.

[This message edited by lilies21 at 9:53 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


Me: 32; DH: 32. Married 11 years. 4-year-old son.
DD1 4/14/12: WH browsing personals.
DD2 6/9/12: Same + porn.
DD3 8/2/14: EA with 54-year-old neighbor (OB: Old Bitch). Now PA. Divorcing.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
mysticpenguin
♀ 38839
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally haven't, but I can understand why you would feel like this.

Has your IC said or done anything that makes it hard to open up, or do you have trouble opening up in general? If it's the former, time for a new IC. If It's the latter, have you told your IC you aren't comfortable enough yet to go over your childhood?

Does your WH help you when you feel badly after/during sex? Have you considered taking a break from sex until you feel better, since your libido is low anyway?

(((((Hugs)))))


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
silverhopes
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes total sense, and it could definitely be anxiety.

Don't pressure yourself. Take your time with this and take time to feel safe. It's OK if you can't do it now. Do you and your H talk about it?

Would it help to focus on building intimacy outside of the bedroom first? Not just in the hours before sex, but rather to focus on it for a long time, as long as you need until you feel ready to have sex? It might help to focus on closeness without expectation of sex for a while, to help recapture the deeper feelings in your relationship.

Do you have mind movies when you have sex? It is totally understandable to have flashbacks to the images of who he looked at and the comments he made. Maybe it would help if he puts more effort into healing those hurts with you first before you worry about sex.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:12 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3920 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too, I come in here and feel like we take several steps back.When I did stop I did feel like we were making progress. Anyway, your return here is legitimate as you pose a very good questions.

I can't really makeout with my W. It's been a year and I still can't. Maybe only during sex and still it brings back the mind movies. I told her once I would not kiss her for a year. She was sad and said that if I needed to do that then so be it.

My advice is to talk to the counselor. If he/she is a reputable professional, go for it. It's the only way to get to the root of the issue. You have a legitimate reason for pulling back. It's understandable, but it could trigger other things that were there before. For me, I am struggling with separation anxiety and anxiety disorders that were there prior to DDAY. However, the A has triggered EVERYTHING. It's chaos inside of me. So it makes sense to find a cure for the entire situation.


Best wishes for you.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
lilies21
♀ 35833
Member # 35833
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally haven't, but I can understand why you would feel like this.
Has your IC said or done anything that makes it hard to open up, or do you have trouble opening up in general? If it's the former, time for a new IC. If It's the latter, have you told your IC you aren't comfortable enough yet to go over your childhood?

Does your WH help you when you feel badly after/during sex? Have you considered taking a break from sex until you feel better, since your libido is low anyway?

The counselor hasn't done anything to make me uncomfortable but it's just still a relatively new experience for me and I've never been good about opening up. I've told her I'm not comfortable talking about my childhood yet and she backs off when I tell her this but she says it probably has a lot to do with my feelings now and should be discussed sometime. Understandable...just not happening in the immediate future.

I don't seem to feel bad during the act. I'm able to shut my brain off and all of this all comes after. H has tried to help the immediate problem, such as helping me sit down, getting me things I need, but we haven't talked about it too much. I can tell he's hurt when it happens because it's like having sex with him is making me sick so I don't know how to really talk about it without hurting his feelings more. I've love to take a break from sex but considering the events that brought me here, I still feel the need to cave in every so often to at least say I'm trying.


Me: 32; DH: 32. Married 11 years. 4-year-old son.
DD1 4/14/12: WH browsing personals.
DD2 6/9/12: Same + porn.
DD3 8/2/14: EA with 54-year-old neighbor (OB: Old Bitch). Now PA. Divorcing.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 5

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