"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Newlease posted 7/31/2013 10:17 AM

Note to my 2 grown sons:

In packing up my “things” to move in with SO I find myself not only letting go of physical stuff, but a lot of emotional baggage that’s been following me around for the last 8 years. I might not always have handled things with the divorce in the correct way, but I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time.

I hope you are not harboring ill will towards your Dad for what happened. It was certainly a time of insanity for him and I see him still struggling for equilibrium.

The thing is – since I’m looking back at this with a little more life experience – if he had not had the affair we might still be married, but I’m not sure I would have been happy. We had fallen into a comfortable place after raising you both. It’s impossible to judge accurately because I have changed and grown so much in these 8 years. I would NOT have been happy with him wanting to stay home all the time and watch TV. I’m sure I would have gone my own way (while remaining married) to have some adventures and live life on my terms. In fact, I had thought about it before all this happened. I was going to travel and have fun with or without him.

I have to take 50% of that on myself. I was a very protective and involved Mother (as I’m sure you both know). I did the majority of raising you, not because he was not wanting to be involved, but because I wanted the control. He worked long shifts at the CoOp and so sometimes I was like a single parent. At the time I thought I wanted more help from him, but to be entirely honest, I felt I was the best at making decisions. I’m afraid I may have made a triangle with you two that put him on the outside.

If you don't feel he is making enough effort in your relationship now it's because I was always there helping/encouraging/directing and now I'm not.

When you both left home, we lost focus. You were the glue that held us together for 23 years, and then you were gone. I started plans for my “freedom” from everyday parenting – your dad lost his way and looked for something/someone to make him feel better. We didn’t have a strong enough foundation as a couple to weather the empty nest storm.

As I see you both with your own families, I want you to work not to let the same thing happen to your relationships. It’s very easy to let the everyday mundane duties of raising a family take over your entire life. Keep that spark alive in your relationships – talk to each other about things other than money and children. Someday you will be done raising the kids and then you need to continue with your partner. A strong foundation needs to be built way before that.

Take an active part in raising the kids and building relationships with them - more than just playing or discipline. Get to know them, let them know they can lean on you as well as their mother. Be actively involved in their lives more than just when their mother asks you to. Build a foundation that can withstand the storms that life may throw your way.

Think about these things as you look at your relationship with your dad. Do not make the same mistakes we made.

And to end on a happy note, I am enjoying my life to the fullest. I’m so LUCKY to have found SO at this time in my life. I realize nothing is forever, but I’m thankful for the time we are sharing together.

Love you both more than you will ever know,
Mom

wonderingbull posted 7/31/2013 10:42 AM

WB

wildbananas posted 7/31/2013 11:00 AM

Very nice, NL.

(The other WB)

Kajem posted 7/31/2013 11:41 AM

Good one.

nowiknow23 posted 7/31/2013 11:45 AM

cmego posted 7/31/2013 12:24 PM

wow.

veelop5 posted 7/31/2013 12:36 PM

This made me cry....my boys spend more time with their NPD dad than me....I only wish I had a closer relationship with them and I will also say that I haven't made a huge effort to try with having to work two jobs and heal....this is beautifully written and good for you being able to say those things about your x even after what he did

gma56 posted 7/31/2013 12:38 PM

And now to write the next chapter.

Newlease posted 7/31/2013 14:12 PM

Thanks everyone. I am under no illusion that they will learn from my mistakes. I have been trying to get them to do that since they were born!

But maybe I planted a seed.

I feel I have been complicit in their further deteriorating relationship with their father. They were young adults when this happened and the anger they had for their dad over what happened was pretty strong. They were extremely protective of me which was kind of nice at the time. I was like a wounded animal and was unable to foresee how this would all turn out.

I need them to see the balance in this - that our marriage was not perfect - and that I was partially to blame for that.

This may not help, but I want them to know that we are all just imperfect human beings doing the best we can and that we all had, and still have, love for each other.

NL

[This message edited by Newlease at 2:29 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

gma56 posted 7/31/2013 17:54 PM

But maybe I planted a seed
I need them to see the balance in this - that our marriage was not perfect - and that I was partially to blame for that

That is what we all hope our kids to take from our mistakes.
I think your note to your kids is perfect and from your heart.
Hugs and you're on the way to a new life with all the good stuff coming with you from the old.
Gma

tryingagain74 posted 7/31/2013 22:54 PM

This was so nice. Your experience really resonated with me; it was almost like you were describing my life with XWH and the kids. I often wonder if we would have stayed together without the A to end everything.

I hope that you and SO are supremely happy together.

really trying posted 7/31/2013 23:13 PM

InnerLight posted 8/1/2013 15:12 PM

Beautiful! So thoughtful! Thanks for letting us all read this.

Good luck on your move and the next New Beginning.

NaiveAgain posted 8/1/2013 15:29 PM

Very well written and I can relate. It is nice to see these thoughts put into words.