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ArableSands posted 7/31/2013 11:31 AM

How does my WW go from 2 weeks of abject remorse and a willingness to walk through fire to R, to being angry and suddenly saying "we may end up having to separate to make this work"?

(She sees separation differently from me. She thinks it's a chance for each person to heal and come at a new relationship from a better place. I see it as a prelude to a divorce.)

I am so confused. Still trying hard to understand this sudden change in her.

krazy8516 posted 7/31/2013 11:38 AM

ArbleSands, my husband is doing the same thing. Only he doesn't last 2 minutes without changing his mind (nevermind 2 weeks!). He cried yesterday, and handed over a list of accounts/ passwords. But not his phone. I asked for it last night, and it was as if all of the sobbing "I don't want to lose you!" from earlier in the day had disappeared. He told me I should be happy that he gave me anything at all, and if it wasn't enough we should just go ahead and get divorced.

Do you have access to her stuff? Do you know if she's told the OM that she's trying to R with you and won't ever see/ talk to him again? When I first got on this site, I read an article about Guilt vs. Remorse in the Healing Library. I'd never thought about it before, but there certainly is a difference. Read up, and post often. We're here for you. ::hugs::

ArableSands posted 7/31/2013 11:44 AM

Hi krazy

The NC has been sent, was sent on D-Day. There's no lingering desire that I can see -- the cheating was largely emotional, and her cheating partner was "safe" and attractive to her because he was like her dad, he had always been her confidante.

I have access to her phone and laptop. Again I'm not seeing much in the way of any threat that she will ever contact him again. Once all of the truth came out, the need for her to find emotional connection outside of the marriage vanished.

From what I've seen it was remorse the first 2 weeks after DDay. It feels like guilt and remorse blended now, with anger. I am at a loss.

sportsfan posted 7/31/2013 11:55 AM

It might be that she's going thru a "pissed off" stage ... meaning pissed off at herself for having the A, pissed off at you for stopping it, pissed off at AP for being a part of it, pissed off for compromising her M, pissed off for wasting her time in an A ... maybe even pissed off for being pissed off.

TxsT posted 7/31/2013 11:57 AM

krazy....bag on post. Guilt brings out anger and remorse can be felt and seen in someone's eyes and actions...

Just like we are all experiencing the ins and outs of our new world, so to are our significant others. But on their side they also have to deal with grieving. It hurt me to hear this from our MC, but he was right. WS are grieving for the loss of the OP.

During our journey we had many moments where it seemed like there wasn't any possible way we could overcome more hurt, more disclosure, more anger. We would make positive steps forward and then, like magic the pendulum would swing back the other way and we would fall into the blame game....both of us. At first this happened often in each and every day. We slowly built up to where I could go 3 or 4 days before I would have a correction and we would wind up in a huge fight. Then we would both feel so horrible after all the hurt was spit out and ashamed that we couldn't deal with this in a more respectful manner. That's when we turned to our MC. He helped us learn how our communication styles and walls learned in childhood were not interacting well together. We started focusing on how to express ourselves in ways that our spouse could listen and appreciate. We spoke in how actions made us feel instead of blaming the other party. Instead of "you did this to me" we started saying " when you do this or say this it makes me fell like or it hurts my feelings. or it makes me think back to how my father used to speak to me" This was very helpful and has opened up a very new and expressive form of communication between us.

Now 10 months out the pendulum can take 1 to 2 weeks to swing and the correction is nothing like it was in the first few months after Dday.

confused615 posted 7/31/2013 11:59 AM

When a WS mentions separation right after dday,it usually means they're looking to continue the affair.

Or it could mean she has realized that being nice for a few weeks isn't going to fix this so she's pissed.

Separation won't heal your pain or take away your anger..but it might help you to detach and decide *this* isn't what you want and divorce is the best option.

True remorse is forever. When a WS really gets it..really gets it...they lose their anger.

True remorse takes time to reveal itself. What you have probably seen is guilt,shame,and regret at being caught. True,real remorse,usually takes time.

ETA: You believe there's been NC because you have access to her phone and laptop..but there are other ways to break NC. Look for another cell phone. Look everywhere. Or another charger. Chances are,she has one.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:01 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

JustWow posted 7/31/2013 12:00 PM

Edited out as I had you and your WW confused in my addled brain, so hat I posted was irrelevant,


[This message edited by JustWow at 7:08 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

ArableSands posted 7/31/2013 12:02 PM

TxsT I don't know (am not sure) that this applies to me and my WW. Her cheating was with someone who was just safe and convenient, and it was always awkward. There was no leaping into each other's arms. It was a bubble of distraction.

She regrets destroying that friendship, but she and her support person in her family both agree that the cheating on its own as well as her choice of person to cheat with were both completely idiotic.

For whatever that's worth. She and my kids are off to visit her family on the East Coast in the US Aug 11 to 17. I'm going to have a terrible, lonely week.

[This message edited by ArableSands at 12:06 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

ArableSands posted 7/31/2013 12:05 PM

Confused, strangely, I do believe there's no other contact going on. My gut is pretty clear on it.

My WW is a completely shitty liar. I KNEW there was something going on for a couple of months, and from her it was purely a lie of omission. Even at that my gut was screaming at me -- and I stupidly ignored it. Not ignoring my gut anymore!

Skan posted 7/31/2013 13:17 PM

I'm going to have a terrible, lonely week

How about, you're going to have a week of silence and no destractions to look deeply into yourself, and figure out what you need to stay in this marriage? What your options are. A week to see a lawyer to find out what your rights and responsibilities are. A week to work on yourself and your wants and desired. A week to look at your budget "just in case" and see what can be tweaked. A week to start finding out where your strength is.

This week may be a blessing in disguise. (((hugs)))

ArableSands posted 7/31/2013 13:20 PM


Thank you for that. And the hugs. You're like a balm to so many here. I wish people like you didn't have to come here.

I'll keep what you wrote in mind, although I suspect I'll be barely keeping it together at work during that week, and a complete wreck when I return to an empty house.

simplydevastated posted 7/31/2013 13:25 PM

You've already received a lot of fantastic responses.

I want to put my two cents in on this point...

(She sees separation differently from me. She thinks it's a chance for each person to heal and come at a new relationship from a better place. I see it as a prelude to a divorce.)

I do understand your reasoning to this statement and it does seem to hold true for many people. I just want to share something. I friend of mine (we lost touch for a while then connected again) told me that her and her husband separated for about a year. She said it was the best thing for their marriage because they each learned a lot about themselves and how to be in a relationship. They have a much stronger relationship now.

Granted I didn't ask if infidelity was the reason for the separation and I do understand that each situation is different. I just wanted to share that because separation doesn't always equal divorce.

I'm sorry you're going through this. If this was my situation and I would still keep a close watch on the WS to make sure they stay faithful during the separation and not use it as an excuse to cheat again. That's just me.


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