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Today OW get's married to OC's 'new dad'

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Tired05 posted 7/31/2013 13:57 PM

And I couldn't be happier!

From what I have heard, since they will be married when the baby is born, he will be the presumed father. And if i'm not mistaken, she can't come after WH for child support since this guy will have signed the Birth Certificate. My WH said that if they got married he would go completely no contact with OC (in addition to OW of course), no pictures, nothing. He said the less he knows about him, the better for the baby and him and our family. This is great, finally I get to completely kick her and anything related to her out and block her from everything we can think of without having to worry about a child being 'fatherless' and not being supported.

I feel like I am able to take back the control that she (or that I imagined she) had over my life and marriage. Now I won't have to put my feelings aside because I know what it is like to not have a parent and I didn't want to be an indirect cause of my daughter's 'brother' not having one of his parents even if those parents are selfish and brought everything on themselves. He has a dad now, and whatever happens between them is their business.

Now I just need to work on pushing her out of my mind and get rid of all this anger that I still have for her. Logically, I know that she is trash and doesn't deserve the energy or headspace that I give her with all of my anger, sadness, the horrible hit to my self esteem, and so on that us BS go through when we think of the OP(s). I just need to get my heart to believe it too. This may take a while, but I am okay with baby steps.

Besides the birth of my daughter, this is probably the happiest day I have had since November. And even my daughter's birth was tainted with this mess. No more. The only way she will continue to ruin my life or taint my memories is if I allow her to. I'm taking back control and don't have to feel bad about hurting an innocent child in any way because of my actions.

Dallas2 posted 7/31/2013 15:23 PM


ajsmom posted 7/31/2013 15:44 PM

And if i'm not mistaken, she can't come after WH for child support since this guy will have signed the Birth Certificate.

Tread carefully here.

Signing a birth certificate is one thing. Having legal paternity declared is another, should she ever go that route for any reason.

Have you counseled with an attorney?


standingonmarble posted 7/31/2013 15:48 PM

legally a kid can't have 2 sperm donors. I think that is what AJ's mom is referring to. Later, down the road, if they get divorced, the hubby could petition the court to be released from responsibility, prove with DNA and then she could come calling.

It's never totally over.

Skan posted 7/31/2013 16:41 PM

Even should the above happen, the courts really don't care once the "father" has accepted responsibility for the child. Their only concern is to make sure that the child is taken care of, and no matter what the DNA shows, they will go after "the father."

One of my best friends married his high school sweetheart. Who then proceeded to go completely nuts, and I mean batshit crazy, and while doing drugs, booze, etc., would screw anything or anyone that had enough money for her to get her next high. My friend was separated from her for 10 months, saving for a divorce, and she got knocked up. EVEN THOUGH they had not lived in the same house, shared a bed, or even been in the same room for those 10 months, and thus it was impossible for him to be the biological father, his lawyer told him to get ready to support the child until it was 18, because the courts (this is in CA) would make a presumption that the child was his. It would take draconian tests PLUS finding the real father and having proof before the courts would let him off of the hook for CS. Luckily for him, she never ended up having the baby don't know exactly what happened.

Cookie7088 posted 7/31/2013 17:40 PM

There is a case happening in Michigan dealing with this topic now...

The man was married to a woman, but were separated for several months...enough to hook up with someone else and have a child. During the divorce, he was required by the courts to pay child support, even though both he and his "soon to be " ex wife admitted the child was not his.

In Michigan -

Sometimes a married woman gives birth to a child whose biological father is not her husband. Although the husband is not the child’s actual parent, he is the child’s legal parent under Michigan law. The husband is the legal parent of every child born or conceived during the marriage.

The reverse is not true. If a man fathers another woman’s child while he is married, his wife is not the legal mother of that child.

As the legal father of the children born during his marriage, a husband has parental rights like custody and parenting time. He also has parental responsibilities like providing child support and health insurance. The husband is the legal father unless there is a judgment of divorce that excludes him as the father.

The biological father of such a child has no parental rights or responsibilities for the child. The paternity of the biological father can only be established if the husband is excluded as the father in a judgment of divorce. This is based on current law and may change some day.

Tired05 posted 7/31/2013 18:00 PM

There is a case happening in Michigan dealing with this topic now...

This "presumed father' act is what I keep hearing and reading from everyone. Funny thing is, they are in Michigan. But he is claiming the child is his on FB, they got married today, they live together and will be together during birth, and will probably be together at least a little while after birth. Just one of these is enough to get the 'presumed father' label, so I'm happy that there is a lot tying him to her and the baby.

I'm not completely denying the fact that she can't hire some great lawyer and maybe find someway to get CC...but it seems that it is unlikely. And of course, the more time that passes, the more the courts may just decide that this guy is the father that the kid has known and they don't want to cause hardship to the child from losing that guy and his support.

A man can be "conclusively presumed" to be the father of any child if he is both married to and living with the mother. The only qualification is that he is not sterile or impotent. So, this means that if a wife cheats on her husband and a baby is born during the time of the marriage the husband is legally the father.

Here's the kicker, if a blood test proves that you are not the father, whether the real father is made known by proof or not, then the presumed father must still pay child support. Also, if the biological father is made known to the court he will not be obligated to pay child support but the custody and visitation will be shared only between the biological parents involved.

I'm finding something like this on almost every legal website under 'presumed father'.

hitbyatruck posted 7/31/2013 18:42 PM

I hope the child has 2 parents that love and want him. That is what is important here. Not saying that you or your family isn't important. But the baby really is innocent and didn't ask to be born into a shitstorm.

Do you think you will ever inform your daughter she has a brother?

ButterflyWings posted 7/31/2013 18:55 PM

But the baby really is innocent and didn't ask to be born into a shitstorm.

I tend to agree with this statement. I wish the child be born into a loving environment with two parents. There clearly are no winners in situations involving infidelity and oc's.

That being said, I saw an article a while back regarding a man in the midst of getting divorced from his wife due to her infidelity. He had all three of their kids tested for paternity and it only turns out that biologically, he fathered only one of the three. At the time, MA state law had it so that because he signed the birth certificate, he was legally and financially responsible for all three kids. Not sure if this has changed since this article came out.

[This message edited by ButterflyWings at 6:56 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

Want2help posted 7/31/2013 22:33 PM

We can "hope" OC has two parents, but as BSs, our responsibility lays with our COM and THEIR parents.

Tired, my FWWH went NC from the very beginning. Had to pay CS, but never even had the desire to meet OC. FWH always hoped that whomever OW latched onto next would adopt OC (even though OW assured him that would NEVER happen).

Here we are, 6 years out, OC is 5, and the adoption is in the works. OW's husband (once a MM also) is adopting OC.

I think in many situations, NC is the best choice. Others do not agree, but until they've been in our shoes, just like INFIDELITY, they cannot say "what" they would do.

ETA; Considering that Tired's own DD is less than 6 months old, I don't think telling her about OC needs to be her biggest concern right now.

[This message edited by Want2help at 10:35 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

Tired05 posted 7/31/2013 22:57 PM

Yes, the OC has two parents now. The OW and her new husband.

These two got together when she was 2 and a half months pregnant. (We live in GA, my WH is stationed in Korea (she got discharged and left korea around 6wks pregnant and came back to the states) and they live in Michigan) This distance makes it more complicated for any kind of 'every other weekend' relationship kind of dad. The kid would only see WH on summers or spring breaks (after he would be old enough) if that was how it worked out at best. Can you imagine going to see your 'real' dad and his 'real' family each summer? I don't know if that is how the OC would have seen it, but I'm just imagining possibilities. WH's father actually did a lot of the same shit. His dad rarely saw his COM and saw his OC even less often. So my WH was really...relieved? to find out that the kid will have a fulltime dad.

The last time contact occurred (during my daughter's birth 5 months ago) she threatened that he would never see the kid and he would be getting child support papers (because he didn't talk to her during our daughter's birth per my demand). Yes, literally on her birth day/week and OW got pissy.

But yes, OC has a dad (if they don't stay together that is on them, but new dad will (from what I am reading) will be responsible for the CC and bringing up the kid). My daughter has her dad. AND we are states away to boot!

And yes Wanttohelp, your situation was basically what I was hoping for and hoping it would solve the 'baby not having a father' part. I was hoping since they started dating that he would take the kid as his own and he has. His facebook says 'my son' and 'I'm so excited' all over it.

Also, if we are all going no contact and there aren't any legal break throughs or anything that has her coming our way...then I'm not sure if she should know... I also feel like it is more my WH's job to tell her...but maybe not. If I was in my daughter's position, I would want to know I have a half sibling because I would want a relationship. However, if we are going no contact.... Also, this OW is nuts. I'm sure if we were getting visitation and the like, she would be trash talking my WH and me CONSTANTLY and sending OC over thinking we are the worst people ever. Of course, I hope she doesn't parent like this...but from what I know of her personality... But my daughter just turned 5 months. Plenty of time to think on it, and if I did tell her, I think I would want to wait until late teens so that if she wanted to persue a relationship with him, she could and we wouldn't have to facilitate... Like I said, lots to think about.

Edit- Also, I agree with the 'until you have been in these shoes with an OC' it's kind of hard to know and of course every situation is different. OW PLANNED this pregnancy as a chain and my WH didn't have a brain and didn't think. He does a lot of that though... anyway, it takes two people to make a baby. However, they both knew what they were doing. She KNEW he was married with a kid on the way and she wanted a kid of his too to "level the playing field" and his idiocy is no excuse for his lapse on sex ed. I feel horrible that I have been subjected to these two people's stupidity, but I feel even worse for these too children. My daughter had to share her father before she was even born. Like I mentioned before, she SCHEDULED her gender scan a WEEK after my daughter's due date (she was born on her due date). The OC may have had the feelings of being a mistake, while my daughter my have had the feelings of being replaced. They both got shit on twice as much as I did. This woman is deplorable for PLANNING to do this to two children and my WH is deplorable for allowing this to happen in the first place to two children. However, I'm just glad that both these kids get to at least START off life with two parents together.

[This message edited by Tired05 at 11:13 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

hitbyatruck posted 8/1/2013 01:46 AM

I have not been in your exact shoes by my brother is an OC. To me he is my brother who I love very much.

It seems the best of a horrible situation is happening for the OC in your case. I wasn't trying to be snarky asking if you had thought about telling your daughter someday.

confused615 posted 8/1/2013 06:06 AM

Is OW going to tell her child the truth about his father? One day she may tell him that "dad" isn't his biological father. And he may decide he wants to meet his bio dad..and his half sister.

You have no control over OW and if she tells her child the truth..or if OC will come looking for his dad one day. For these reasons alone,your DD should be told some day. Otherwise she may feel lied to..and cheated out of a brother, when he shows up one day and says hello and the truth is out.

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