The biggest issue for me was that I was tired of carrying the majority of our family's responsibility. I want an equal partner.
WH has been pretty good about following through with most of my requests, it makes me hopeful that change is possible but there are several areas that I just can't get him to follow through in.
I know I can't control his behaviour so part of my just wants to pick up the slack to keep the peace. The other part of me says "screw it, he is an adult and can do these things for himself!!".
An example would be that he forgot to hand in paperwork at work and now is inneligiable for health insurance. While not the end of the world (we live in Canada) I feel like his irresonsible behaviour puts our family at risk.
Enough rambling. What I'm trying to sort out is: by letting this slide am I settling for less than I deserve? Or am I just accepting that we all have character flaws and his lack of responsibility (or poor memory, depending on which of us you ask) is his? Am I just bring overly critical of everything he does right now because of the A and the anger/ resentment that lingers? These are all questions I will bring up in IC and MC, I'm just looking for some advice/experience from those that have btdt. Thanks!
My H hates to make phone calls, appts, etc. So, I call the doctors/dentist/haircutter for him to make his appts. He doesn't like writing checks so I pay those bills and he does all the online banking because he's better with that stuff.
He leaves his socks laying around and it used to drive me nuts but it takes a half a second to pick up a pair of socks and he's always kind enough to set my coffee mug next to the coffee maker after he makes his in the morning.
It may not always be an even balance of the tasks but I figure it evens out and if there is an issue of resentment building up, we have a conversation about it and work it out.
I am still struggling with this after 10 months since D-Day. I am always questioning if I deserve better, or if better even exists? The flaws in his appearance even stand out to me now. I think it's part of the back-and-forth, "limbo" period.
I can't offer much advice, except that what you are doing sounds exactly like what I've been doing. Every little fight/battle is now going to be that much more intensified because you have underlying resentment from the A. :(
Boy, have they screwed things up or what!!?
For the most part we organize household responsibilities according to our strengths but there is obviously an imbalance right now. I'm sure I'm particularly sensitive to it because of all that we've gone through which doesn't help the situation.
WH's #1 request if me was that i stop nagging as he "knows what i have to do, i don't need you on my ass about it." I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I remind him it eventually turns into nagging. If I say nothing then the task goes unfinished and eventually I have to step up and do it myself. Add a busy work schedule (he is a carpenter, summer is peak season) and Maternity leave (I'm at home with our kids) and I'm sure you can figure out who pulls most of the weight at home.
Any suggestions on a non-naggy reminder system from those who are forgetful or those with a forgetful spouse?
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:19 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
A couple of things come easily to me - laundry and dishes. These I can remember to do pretty easily, although sometimes we get down to the last clean dish or article of clothing. (Actually, since D-Day, dishes have been an indicator of my mood - I passively let them pile up if I'm upset by something related to the A. In those cases, my W has just done the dishes.) In any case, those are my day-to-day jobs.
Other chores my W asks me to do. If I don't do them by the time my she expects me to, she asks me when I'll do the task. If I don't make the deadline we negotiated, she can ask me about it.
The negotiation does a few things. To negotiate, I have to stop what I'm doing and focus on the task. That alone helps me remember. I have to think about what I'm committing to; that helps confirm the commitment. We also agree my W can mention the task to me if I don't do it as scheduled - that's not nagging, and neither of us treat it that way.
Everything about a task is open to negotiation, including when we talk about it. If I don't want to talk when my W brings something up, we set up a time in the future, and my W comes and says, 'Let's discuss this now, since it's the time you said you'd talk.'
Also, everything can be renegotiated unless doing so misses an important deadline. There's flexibility WRT when dishes are done. If we're late with some payments, though, it costs....
This isn't easy on my W, but it gets more done with less emotion. Besides, I'm worth the effort, now that I think about it.
[This message edited by sisoon at 8:19 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]
"Getting things done" is definitely not one of his strengths (and I do think ADHD plays a part), but now he at least tries. So, I think "improvement" is a perfectly reasonable expectation. But he will probably never be as good at it as you, and that's ok. As long as he tries. If he knows it's something that will make you happier, he should at least try.
In my own experience, there were so many things that my WS did before the A that mildly irritated me and that I kept to myself. I hardly ever complained to him about the things that aggravated me, because it just wasn't worth it. I loved him, and realized that no one is perfect. So I was willing to accept his flaws before the A. Now, on the other hand, every single flaw upsets me. I keep thinking that he had it SO good before the A because I always put his feelings before mine, and he screwed it up and didn't appreciate me by having the A. And then I start wondering why I should just accept his flaws now, when he doesn't appreciate how good he had it. So, I've noticed that I point out his flaws more. And I've noticed that I stand up for myself and my feelings/thoughts more now than I used to. Maybe some of it's resentment, maybe some of it is just not wanting to be so self-sacrificing and wanting him to see the amazing thing that he ruined with his A. So with myself, I think it's partly that I don't want to settle, and partly that I'm being overly critical because of the resentment I have for his A.
The solution? No clue.