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Feeling like I can never do anything right

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hopefor1day posted 7/31/2013 14:24 PM

I'm having a rough day feeling that I am never going to be able to do anything right in my BH's eyes. I know that I wronged him by having an A and lying to him. I know that I do not deserve anything from him and that in a way part of my punishment for what I did is to take the negativity all the time. I did not do what I needed to when it mattered most to him and now that I am trying it feels as though it does not matter at all. I have read one of the books that was suggested to me this past weekend. I have another that I have started reading and another one when I finish. I start IC tomorrow. I support him and be positive and loving when he needs it. I cry with him when he is upset.
Every time that I say something nice or positive or supportive I get a negative or smartass response back. I know that this is a rollercoaster for him and that there are good moments and bad. How can I learn to not feel like a deflated balloon and continue to do what is needed to prove my love and support to him. I messed up so bad. I ruined the best thing we had together. I know this takes time and that I have to weather the storm and that hopefully in the long run we can be a stronger loving couple but today is just a hard day and I feel worn down.

wifehad5 posted 7/31/2013 17:02 PM


It's still early days. It will get better with time

LosferWords posted 7/31/2013 17:37 PM


It sounds to me like you are doing the right things. Some days are much worse than others.

Keep in mind that you are working on yourself for you, too. With that thought in mind, it can make it easier to keep going, even if you feel a like it is not doing your BH or the marriage any good on those rough days. Hang in there, and keep up the good work...

[This message edited by LosferWords at 5:47 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 7/31/2013 18:18 PM

It is absolutely early days, but my gentle suggestion is to look to yourself for validation rather than somewhere external. Gauge your actions against your intentions. Check your work. Do the best you can to support him, but don't look to him (or anyone else) to fill your self-worth cup. That's your job.

Hang in there.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 7/31/2013 18:40 PM

^^^ Yep!

When we first started out I felt like I needed my BS to believe in me, that I wanted him to SEE all I was doing to heal myself and us.

I finally came to a place, after some time, when I realized that I no longer needed it. That is about the time when he started to really acknowledge what I was doing, and how far I had come.

Hang tight, keep working

KBeguile posted 7/31/2013 18:50 PM

Remember: you can't change HIM, only YOU. And right now, HIM isn't in a place to notice much about YOU.

Think of it this way:
Random stranger walks up and beats the holy stuffing out of you while wearing street clothes. He then fixes his hair, puts on a suit, and comes to the hospital to show you (while you're incapable of getting away) that he's a changed man because ... well, he LITERALLY changed while you were getting operated on, thus "changed."

That's all he can see at this point. YOU feel different because you're starting to take responsibility and acknowledge these things you did to ruin the marriage, but he just still sees the person who kicked the crap out of him.

I know you don't want to hear it, but it takes time. With enough perseverance and continued good behavior on your part, he WILL notice, and he will be much less snarky about it. It just takes time and dedication. Are you up for it?

hopefor1day posted 7/31/2013 22:08 PM

Thank you everyone for the support and helpful thoughts and opinions. I know that in time things will be better but sometimes it just gets me down. I try to be strong and keep the positivity between us and I know that it is something that I will continue to do for the sake of myself, my husband and my marriage. It has been a blessing joining this site and I cant wait to be a success story on here for everyone to see!

noescape posted 8/1/2013 01:31 AM

Perseverance AND consistency.

reading your story, i cant help but feel that you'll have to try extra hard at restoring some semblance of trust. what are you doing about that? could it be that him harboring distrust of you or not knowing for sure is keeping him at DDay? (i know it did/does me)

also what NiK said; look to validate yourself through what you do NOW and from now on. you'll eventually start to see the fruits of your own efforts and your effort will definitely be manifest to him in time...

keep posting

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