Topic: Just found her stash
Member # 40001
| Posted: 2:57 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
I have been on this site for a week. My first post was how to stop being suspicious after two years. I received lots of advice about her having to be open to me looking at her emails, texts, etc.. I took that to mean I had the right to verify. Well I took the day off and rummaged through her closet. She had a brief case which had a combo code but it wasn't hard to pry open. I found letters that revealed a much more sordid and involved relationship than what she admitted but I found something so much worse, a video. Apparently he videotaped a session of theirs. I should have turned it off right away but instead watched the entire thing. I could not believe the things my beautiful wife of 23 years was doing and saying. I am so absolutely horrified. And she has kept it all this time. What if my kids found this? I do not know what to do as it seems that all the MC and IC we have been doing and all her outward signs of remorse were fake. What to do? I am so angry now I am going to take a few days to drive away and think rather than to act.
Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 30369
| Posted: 3:19 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
So if I understand this correctly, you are two years into this, and just now finding this stuff? She's held on to this stuff all along? That's just horrible. I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry, man.
Take care of yourself. We're here for you.
Posts: 14649 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 39700
| Posted: 3:19 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
Do you think she wanted to be caught? That's some serious risk taking there. I'm so sorry.
Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 31240
| Posted: 3:29 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
Aside from doing violence, what do you want to do?
It doesn't matter much, but did you have her agreement to check up on her? (Just curious.... If you're doing this on your own, my bet is that you did it because of a gut sensation which turned out to be right, so I have no difficulty accepting your going behind her back, if that's what you did.)
She may have not contacted him in the last 18 months, but keeping this stuff around means breaking NC in her mind, IMO.
So it sounds like she's continued the betrayal while telling you she wants to R.
If my W did that, I'd probably still want to R, so I'm not going to attack you if that's what you want, but if you want to kick her out and D, that may be your best bet.
It keeps coming down to: what do you want to do?
[This message edited by sisoon at 3:29 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 70 (22 in my head), Married 45+, together since 1965, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I'm not an exemplar. I share my own experience because it's all I know.
Posts: 11708 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 36654
| Posted: 3:42 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
Wow. I am so sorry that you had to witness this. It would be heartbreaking I know after so long in false R. False R to me is worse than the actual A as they know now how much they hurt you, but continue to live in their own fantasyland where they lie to themselves as much as the lie to you.
My WH#2 purposely took the A underground for another year after DDay#1. I know this hurt worse than the first time. I guess in my mind he didn't really know the first time how much it would hurt me and our marriage. The second time he was well aware of what he was doing, but still thought he wouldn't get caught. It has changed the whole way I view him now and in the future. I am sorry you are having to live this nightmare. (((HUGS)))
STBXWH#2-53 Dumbass Mud Cat
M-11 yrs T-12 yrs
Too many DDay's plus
11/28/14 "Assault with a deadly weapon" and is now with OW
Divorce filed 1/5/15
Posts: 4029 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 36401
| Posted: 3:43 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
Take it out now and put it in a safety deposit box and Then i would confront. I am so sorry you are just now finding this stuff. That is horrific! Take care of yourself and I would call your IC this is an emergency situation and you need support.
Posts: 283 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 26928
| Posted: 3:44 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
Hurtincolorodo - wow. I cannot imagine what I was like to watch that video. I feel sick just thinking about it. ((( hurtincolorado )))
On the pragmatic side of things, I'd suggest that until you know for sure what you want to do with regard to your marriage, put the physical evidence you find in a safe place that your WW cannot access.
If you need it for divorce proceedings, you'll have it. (And she wont be able to access it to destroy it during a "honeymoon" period in this sh!tstorm).
You may want to keep it just to see how much more comes out in trickles and drabs.
If you reconcile, you can certainly destroy it at some point.
Me - 43
DD(22), DS(19, PDD-NOS)
WH#2 (SorryInSac) - 47
Together 8, M 5yrs. DDay 7/12/14
I filed for D 5/18/15.
He committed suicide 5/28/15.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).
I edit often for clarity/typos.
Posts: 7410 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 29971
| Posted: 4:08 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
I don't think it would be respectful for me to say anything other than I wish you strength and peace in all this.
“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor
Posts: 1944 | Registered: Oct 2010
Member # 39850
| Posted: 4:09 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
I'm so sorry! I can't even imagine what that must have felt like to watch that.
Are you sure that she's aware of the stash though? Is it possible that she doesn't know she kept that stuff? The reason I ask is because my guy found some pictures on my laptop from my past (before him), and I honestly had no clue that they were there. If I had known, I would have deleted them.
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014
Posts: 1488 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 35812
| Posted: 4:45 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
I found, not too long ago, a stash that my FWH kept. Not as horrific as what you found, but when I found it, I left him. He had to perform some draconian measures to convince me to come back. And it's still hurting our R. (((hugs))) Put it in a safe place and figure out what you need to do. I left a copy of his stash along with a letter saying Good By nailed to the door and checked myself into a hotel for two days. I just needed the time to think all by myself. (((hugs)))
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Posts: 6004 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 32232
| Posted: 5:49 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
Does what you found confirm what she has told you? Or is it to totally new information to you? It would suck either way. I would get it in a safe place, take a few days to process this and figure out your next move. Maybe visit IC and see if you can get some insight. I can't imagine how terrible this is for you.
Posts: 728 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 34827
| Posted: 6:23 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
I can't imagine the horror of watching
that video. I'm just so sorry.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Posts: 5610 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 21101
| Posted: 6:59 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
I guess I'm confused is this new stuff since R has started? New notes and tape? Or does it not match what she told you? If so I would have a really tough time going forward with R. However if you knew what she had done and the level of their relationship although devestating to see wouldn't be really going against R other than the fact that she hadn't destroyed it.
The fact that you watched it must just be emotionally devestating.
Whatever you decide I wish you ((((and strength))))
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy
Posts: 9855 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 15902
| Posted: 7:09 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
hurtincolorado, So sorry for what you are going through.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:09 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
Posts: 5951 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 25949
| Posted: 10:37 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
you need to get that video out of the house and to a safe place.
When I discovered my wife's video, I was blindsided by it and all the pieces started to come together that my wife was having an affair.
When I confronted her, she denied the affair. When I said, "I've seen the video", she knew she was caught.
Unfortunately you have a rough road ahead just like I had. The mind movies live with me forever.
On that rough road ahead, I have a 10 year head start on you...
Me - BS
Her - WS
affair length - 6 months with MM
married since 7/92
NC violated 4/02, 6/02, 8/02
Posts: 138 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 19595
| Posted: 10:42 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
I'm so sorry ! It's one thing knowing about an affair but another to see it.
Getting away to think it out is probably a good idea.
False R hurts like no other hell.
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.
Posts: 20402 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Member # 6449
| Posted: 10:50 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
So sorry for your pain (((hurt))). I would take the video and other stash and put it somewhere safe because you have some major evidence and it may disappear if it remains where it is...she obviously was hiding it and kept it under lock. I'd be concerned as to why she would keep that stuff?
~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
Posts: 10020 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Member # 39195
| Posted: 11:29 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013|
wow man. From one CO guy to another, take care and go find a relaxing place somewhere to gather your thoughts.
I agree with you on thinking before acting. It would be interesting to see how your WW responds when she discovers the stash is empty. As my IC indicated there is a certain loss of power that goes with being a WS. She indicated there will be times when I feel the need to reclaim the 'power' such as contacting the other BS. Maybe holding on to that stash until you are 100% certain of your next move is all you need to do. In the meantime, if she blows a nut when she finds out you have it, then you have some evidence to help you in your recovery.
Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 37735
| Posted: 6:12 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013|
About half a year after Dday, I found a slip of paper in WH's wallet with all of OW's #s on it (she had changed her phone #s about 2 months after Dday, & these were the NEW #s). I confronted WH, & he stated that he had no idea it was in there, that it must have been there for months & months, that he had forgotten about it.
Meanwhile, all he kept saying at that time is that he wanted to R.
I have never known whether to believe that or not.
Be prepared for an answer like that.
[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:13 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]
Him: WH --Had 7 mo.EA/ PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R
Posts: 1683 | Registered: Dec 2012
|Topic Posts: 19|