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Going backwards

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Undone1 posted 7/31/2013 16:07 PM

I have really been struggling lately. My fWH has been doing so well with everything A to Z. It's me who has been very emotional, and re-visiting the past. Our anniversary is this Saturday and I suspect this is part of it. To me there is nothing to celebrate except that he didn't keep his vows. I guess I can celebrate my stamina to stay with this, but that doesn't seem like much of a celebration.

I have been thinking about the idea that for 3 years he "had his cake and ate it too." That just doesn't seem fair, and of course nothing about an affair is fair. He had 3 years of fun, erotic, exciting times while I worked my ass off to take care of our 3 children and maintain my business. I didn't get to do that. I didn't get to have all that fun!

What do you tell yourself to fell better about this. It's not like I wanted to have an affair, but I would have liked to have the option of an open marriage, instead of the secrets and lies.

We also just got back from a trip to Seattle and I had many triggers. His long term AP was asian and I thought I saw her everywhere I went.

I feel like I am going backwards.

Dallas2 posted 7/31/2013 16:22 PM

Don't be to hard on yourself. You are only a few month out from DD. My Anniversary is tom. and I don't want to celebrate either. Then I tell myself I am celebrating me and my vows, not his. I kept them and still am keeping them. Wedding anniversaries are hard after you learn your spouse had an A, it just seems like a lie to me.

Sorry you had all those trigger. My FWH's AP looked like a younger version of me. I have changed my hair color and style so I can look in the mirror. I have also aged more.

You said that you didn't get to have all the fun he did. Would you really want to have that type of fun??? How would you feel about yourself if you did that?

I make myself feel better reminding myself I kept my vows and counting the blessings I have. You have 3 children and ran your own business. I find that amazing. You can tell yourself about your children and your business and be proud of yourself.

Lastly I would tell you everybody here calls this a rollercoaster ride. I add from he!! and be kind to yourself.

FeelingSoMuch posted 7/31/2013 17:13 PM

I get what you're saying. It sounds like fairness is important for you, too. I feel the same way.

I don't know how to deal with that either, sorry. Our MC says I have to learn to live with the fact that it'll never be fair and that I have to learn to forgive.

The MC recognizes that it'll take a very long time for me to reach forgiveness, but apparently the only way my feelings of unfairness will go away is if I get curious about why my WW had her A, understand her faulty logic (without agreeing or accepting it) and then love her enough to forgive her.

Tall task considering she nitpicked our relationship to justify her A after d-day. At least she stopped doing that.

Sigh...I feel like I'm going backwards, too.

SmallButStrong posted 7/31/2013 18:11 PM

I always go back to feeling this way. I even look at pictures of him during the A, and he looks so distant but with a smirk on his face like "I know something you don't know", or "I'm fantasizing about her right now". The thought of him getting aroused by thoughts of this woman and the context of their texts and phone conversations is just appalling. I, too, imagine having the "fun" that he got to have.

I especially feel it is unfair because I had only been with one other person before getting married, while my WH (who is 12 years older) had already been with like 30 women. So, really?? Didn't he have enough experiences to get a good idea of what's out there? He really had to go find out once more from someone EVEN YOUNGER than me??

But then again, it's about their insecurities, not about you. It has NOTHING to do with you. I feel just like you - I am the breadwinner and kept myself in great shape for him. While he was a stay-at-home dad and I was proud of it, now I just get angry about it because he put the kids in front of the TV so he could go have phone sex!! While I was in the office paying our mortgage.

None of it is fair. But like our MC says, life isn't fair. Getting cancer isn't fair. Losing a child isn't fair. Being betrayed by your spouse is not fair. But we will come out of this a deeper, stronger, richer person. I have to believe that!

5674emt posted 7/31/2013 22:10 PM

I feel the same way every other day. Today is WH's birthday, he is at work for 24 hrs and I cannot see him. He likes Birthday Sex, if I cannot give it to him, will he get it somewhere else? He has been so open and remorseful about the A and there has been no questionable activity, why do I stress so much?

I just have to believe there will be a time when it will be worth the pain for the gain of having recovered from this and beating the odds of success.

BW: 53
WH: 44
M: 14 yrs
2 Daughters
DD: Dec. 2012
A: 3 years with Babysitter

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

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