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Gave up Responsibility

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Aubrie posted 7/31/2013 16:12 PM

Took long enough. But finally did it.

We're preached to all the time, "Three things have to heal. You, them, y'all." When you're in the midst of it, it's so hard to remember that all three are different. All three are on different time lines. All three require different approaches. And that you can only be a part of two of them. The you and the y'all.

A long time ago, someone told me to give up on the outcome of the relationship. And in a way, I did. I have been working on me, despite what could happen 2 months or 2 years from now. But I didn't give up the part about wanting to heal my husband. Wanting to take it away. Wanting to do everything in my power to hold his hand thru it. I still somehow assumed responsibility for him and his healing. But I'm at a point where I have to let go. And it struck me like lightning on Monday night.

It doesn't matter how much I want my husband to not hurt, how much I want him to heal, how much I want him to move thru this. It's his choice. And no amount of encouragement, wishing, praying, hoping will get him thru it. It's his choice. I have to give up that responsibility. It's not mine to carry. I'm responsible for the mess that got us here. But I'm not responsible to how he reacts and carries himself after the fact. I have been in this mindset that maybe if I encourage him, love him, support him enough, maybe it'll do the trick. Maybe I can help him. Maybe I can heal him. But it will never work that way. I realize that now. It's heartbreaking. And downright scary.

I should have known this. After all, he tried to be "enough" for me for 8 years. He tried to love me enough. He tried to take hurts away. He tried to fill that void in my life. But he couldn't control me. I had to finally take the steering wheel in my own hands and make my own choices in healing.

My hard learned lesson this week is that I have to give up responsibility for him. As difficult as it is. I have to stand by and watch. I will love and encourage him. I will help in any way I can if he asks. But I cannot do it for him. It's unfair to him. It's cruel to him. It wouldn't be necessary if it wasn't for my lousy action. He may or may not do it. But I can't control it or be responsible for it.

Giving up that assumed responsibility is giving up another layer of control. It opens another door of, What if he doesn't? Then what? Will we stay in a stalemate position? Will we be able to coexist peacefully? Will that work? Will we find compete healing together? Are we really meant to be together? Are we like water and oil together? I don't know any of those answers. All I can do it take it one day at a time. And be quiet and patient.

I adore QS from the silver tinted hair on the top of his head, to the bottom of his work calloused feet. His health and happiness is very important. He has given me the best years of his life and I've turned him on his head. The very least I can do is give him the space he needs to do what he needs and wants. If it means healing with me, fabulous. If it means leaving, fabulous. He deserves a full, happy, healthy life just as much as the next person.

It really is as simple as that.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/31/2013 16:28 PM

Yes, you are right Aubrie. I have to say, though, that it sure is nice to have your FWS by your side and holding your hand, encouraging, supporting, praying, wishing, hoping and loving you as you go through so many different stages of feeling and healing.

But, you are absolutely correct that you can't take the pain away and you have to let him get through it the way he feels he needs to, that he is responsible for his choices and how he heals (or doesn't, for that matter).

(((Aubrie))) Peace and serenity to the both of you, Aubrie.

Aubrie posted 7/31/2013 16:37 PM


I have to say, though, that it sure is nice to have your FWS by your side and holding your hand, encouraging, supporting, praying, wishing, hoping and loving you as you go through so many different stages of feeling and healing.
I'm not saying that I won't do that. I feel that I've done everything within my power to support him thru this so far. And I'm not stopping. But no amount of any of that will make his changes for him or heal him. That was my point. I'm not withdrawing, sitting on the bleachers, and saying, "Ok Dude. Show me the goods." That's not it at all. We are to a point where I have done all I can do for him. The rest is up to him. He choses what he wants. I will be more than happy to hold his hand thru this for as long as he lets me.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:37 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 7/31/2013 16:42 PM

That is all I meant, Aubrie. That it is nice to have your spouse by your side. I didn't think you were going to stop doing that. Just like I don't anticipate MisterSister to stop holding my hand no matter how long I am on this journey. Remorseful spouses understand that it has to be on the BS's timetable of when they are healed.

MissesJai posted 7/31/2013 16:55 PM

proud of you.

Joanh posted 7/31/2013 18:42 PM

The letting them be responsible for their own healing is a hard one to swallow. I am happy for you to be able to do that. I hope I can do that too someday. and soon. It is helpful to see that its not wrong to do. And that's how I feel about doing that, yet. Even though logically I know I can't fix him. I amde the scenario and I can support him but I can't make it go away. And when you are a caretaker its a hard one to accept. Thank you for sharing this Aubrie, it is helpful.

cinnamongurl posted 8/1/2013 06:37 AM

Bumped for another poster

Aubrie posted 8/1/2013 07:50 AM


It is helpful to see that its not wrong to do.
It's definitely not wrong. It's not easy to do by any means. Been hanging onto this for a long time. There's a freedom that comes with letting it go. It's not a birds-flyin'-high kind of freedom. In some ways, I feel lighter, but my heart is still heavy. Kind of hard to explain.

In a way, I have been enabling him. Because of the issues he has, because of the arguments we have, because I have been assuming responsibility, I pick up the slack. I am enabling him. And we both found out, that my doing that hurt us both. Hard, scary lesson learned. *shrug*

JustDesserts posted 8/1/2013 12:34 PM

There's a freedom that comes with letting it go.

Truer words have never been spoken.

I just wish when I do let go, that I'd stop grabbing them back, which I sometimes do.

It is a healthy mindset and action you are taking, Aubrie. I commend you for identifying the issue, and proactively working on a solution. I think this is an example of what is being suggested by so many posters who say "Do the work". It's what you're doing here.


LosferWords posted 8/1/2013 19:10 PM

This is a big step. Good job, Aubrie.

Wishing you and QS the best.

918Mama posted 8/3/2013 18:23 PM

I think this is the same lesson Mr918 is learning now. He's spent the last year doing all the work for us. You've seen how well that's worked lately...

So he's moving out. And I'm getting all the space I've been asking for. It's sink ot swim for me, which is what needs to happen. I've got to do the work. There may be more pain and hurt and mistrust there because of what Mr918 did...but my actions are my own. Including denial and refusal to heal my own issues.

You are doing the right thing Aubrie. Hang in there...

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