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Reasonable request for feeling safe?

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ArableSands posted 7/31/2013 16:24 PM

On DDay I gave her a list of things to make me feel safe.

Two days later, she asked if she could call her aunt who lives on the other side of the continent. I was still in shock and scared so I said no, and that if she wanted to talk to her aunt badly I would want to sit next to her when she spoke.

Two weeks later I had no problem with her calling her aunt or anyone else. She was angry and said I had no right to cut her off from her family like I did.

While I don't like the idea of cutting her off from her family, and didn't entertain the thought past the first few days of processing the shock of betrayal, I felt it was well within bounds for me to demand she only speak to who I agreed to, or she would face D.

Was I wrong?

Tearsoflove posted 7/31/2013 16:42 PM

Yes, you were wrong. Unless you had reason to believe her aunt was a go between for her and the OM, she should be able to speak to her family as she pleases. Particularly since she is far away from them. Believe it or not, WSes need support, too, and since they are responsible for helping us heal and can't look to us for that support, sometimes their family is who they must turn to.

Had she asked to call the OP or friends who condoned the affair, you would have been well within your rights to say "Hell no". But, in my opinion, no one should keep someone else from contacting family.

ArableSands posted 7/31/2013 17:06 PM

I think you're right Tears. I think I was wrong in demanding that. I was so angry, and so hurt, all I could think of was my WW looking for validation of what she did.

But it doesn't change what I did, that it was wrong. It's part of my shit that has to do with control. I'm glad I've started IC.

TxsT posted 7/31/2013 17:28 PM


Try apologizing to her and explaining exactly how you were feeling on the day, that you hurt so bad you didn't know up from down. Be honest, show a bit of your pain and she might be amicable about getting beyond it.

I agree with Tears, we BS's are in so much hell during the first part of this that we don't think straight, see straight or really know what's going on. I remember wanting to throw up all the time. I am well enough now to look back and see the pain my WH was also in....and it wasn't pain from losing his OW either. It was pain at having to watch me disintegrate right in front of his eyes and know he was the sole reason for it. So much goes through your mind in those early days, forgive yourself and ask for her forgiveness.

I am now able to extend my hand across the table and try helping my hubby deal with his shame and disgust over his own behavior. You should have seen the joy in his eyes when he realized I was actually helping carry the burden of his hurt and recognize he too needed help.


nestlee posted 7/31/2013 17:53 PM

I know it's hard one trust is Brocken. But always remember U can't control a person. That only makes it worse. I know this. Cause truthfully my husband is a control freak. I find lately the more he trys to control me..the less happier I am. Its so bad. That I'm not allowed to leave the house with out his permission . he's the cheater not me. But for some reason..I'm the one being treated like I'm the one in the wrong. I love him so much. But feel like I'm in jail. He even monitors my calls and checks my texts..I've never done wrong to him. But all of a sudden..I'm the one on lock down. For you to be able to start to trust your wife again. U have to give your wife space she can show U she's trying. Apologize to her..hug her. (( hugs))

ArableSands posted 7/31/2013 17:57 PM

TxsT and nestlee

I'll be apologizing to her tonight. Thanks for your perspectives.

There is so much pain on this forum I sometimes wonder how it doesn't implode.

TxsT posted 7/31/2013 18:19 PM

Arable....I don't know how I didn't explode myself to be honest!!!! I only discovered this page the other day. Already being 11 months past Dday puts me at a bit of a disadvantage on here because I am new but have covered a lot more ground then most newbies.

I have found honestly expressing the feelings you get from a comment, a trigger or an action from your WS is so much more productive then reacting to or outright expressing feelings of blaming. It took me so long to figure this out and we had to endure so many useless arguments that we could have avoided. It is a skill to speak in feelings but it is well worth the time investment.

Also, please don't feel showing compassion for a WS is a "forgiving of the affair gesture" isn't. But it does show them you are human and they are worthy of some level of understanding. Admitting you are wrong for what you did is a huge step in your journey to heal my friend. My husband told me the other day that, in the beginning he felt the whole world would think he was an ass if they knew what he had done and felt so alone and in disgust of his own actions. He had no real idea how to reach out to me because I was so crushed, hurt, horrified and unable to process anything but that. With no real support system he had a terrible time copying with the pressure of not knowing if what he was doing was helping or hurting. By extending my hand in compassion for his pain, he felt that this single action was the kindest and best gift I have ever given him.

I look forward to hopefully hearing a more positive post from you.


ArableSands posted 7/31/2013 19:43 PM


Well...we only had 3-4 mins to talk, but she seemed to really truly appreciate the apology. Appreciate it enough that she gave me the first what felt like genuine kiss and hug before she left to attend a work meeting.

My shit in the marriage has always been about control, controlling her. And that has to end. IC will help, and so will all of you awesome, awesome people on SI.

I wish I could hug you all.

nestlee posted 7/31/2013 21:39 PM

Arab, that's great news. U are honest about being controlling. Maybe U can help me understand my husband. I don't know why he needs to be in control of me. Since I found out he did me wrong.. He has become worse. He calls me 3 to 4 times a check up on me. He has quit the gym..and now never leaves my side. Only to go to work. I'm not allowed to even use the phone..when he's home. Why does he need to be so controlling. I'm sorry to bother u with all these questions. I'm just so confused with his behavior.

ArableSands posted 7/31/2013 23:56 PM

nestlee, remember that controllers are at their core DEEPLY INSECURE. They are SCARED. That's why they feel they have to control others and the situation. It's quite probably from my point of view as a controller that your husband is TERRIFIED of you leaving him, and he hangs around you and stops you from leaving the house because he's afraid that you'll walk out and never come back, and given that he cheated on you, that's not such a reach.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he does not control you and that you will not let him control you. And that if he tries he will drive you away. Pay attention to his response to this. I can almost guarantee that he'll respond by TRYING TO CONTROL YOU.

Best of luck.

TxsT posted 8/1/2013 00:42 AM

Arable...I am so happy for you. I can go to bed tonight knowing I helped do something good today. Thank you for sharing. I think you are on the right path.


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