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plainpain posted 7/31/2013 17:08 PM

This is my first time posting. I am wondering if anyone else has had to deal with a pregnancy from the affair? My forty-four year old husband had an affair with a 21 year old, which ended when she informed him she was pregnant. He came out of 'the fog' pretty abruptly and confessed everything to me. To say he is sorrowful is an understatement. He quit his job, got rid of his 'mid-life crisis' vehicle, and literally stripped himself to his underwear in our kitchen. He has been 'naked' before me ever since - the truth, nothing but the painful truth.

He has no desire to ever see her again. NC would not be an issue, except for the fact that she claims to be pregnant. There is really no way to find out if she truly is, without initiating contact in some way. There are no 'interconnected relationships' that we could ask someone.

We are reconciled, but the possibility of a baby is making it very hard for me to fully process all of it. I don't know if I can possibly handle it, if she has his child. I vomit thinking about her being in our lives forever. I vomit thinking that he will not be able to ever fully regret the affair, if she has his child. How will I ever be able to believe he won't be with her again, twenty years down the road?

I am so broken. It's not the child's fault - but it isn't mine either. Why do I have to pay so very, very much for his mistake?

LosferWords posted 7/31/2013 17:27 PM

Hello, and welcome to SI.

First of all, ((plainpain)). That is a hug. I am sorry for your pain.

There are are many members on here who have had to deal with pregnancy from the affair, myself included.

There is a thread in the ICR (I Can Relate) section of this website that is dedicated to this particular situation, called, "OC Thread (BS Only) Part II".

Here is a direct link:

You'll find a great base of support here, as well as much needed legal advice for this particular situation.

There is also a section in the upper left of this site called "The Healing Library", which is also helpful.

So sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I am glad you found us.

nowiknow23 posted 7/31/2013 17:31 PM

(((((plainpain))))) I am so sorry, honey. Coping with a potential Other Child complicates everything exponentially.

You are not alone. There are many members here who are walking this same path. They understand and can help you along this journey.

For now, please focus on taking care of yourself. Drink plenty of water, eat something even if you don't feel like it, and try to get regular sleep. If you have troubles with that, please see a doctor to get some help.

Keep reading. Keep posting. You have found a safe place.

crazyblindsided posted 7/31/2013 18:27 PM


LiedtoLucy posted 7/31/2013 19:22 PM

Oh Plainpain. I am so sorry that you are going though this.

I am going through the same thing except my WH is not nearly as remorseful. It sucks. OW claims to be 4 months pregnant with his baby. He believes her. He is pretty sure it is his. Wants to be a responsible father but regrets it. We are trying to R but I don't have any idea how to do it with this hanging over us.

I know it hurts. Hang in there. I don't really have advice. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I will pray for you.

I have found the OC thread in I CAN RELATE.. Very slow. Not very active members I there right now. PM me if you would like. Maybe we can help each other along the way. (Hugs)

plainpain posted 7/31/2013 19:58 PM

Oh wow, I didn't even know how much I needed those ((hugs)) until I was suddenly sobbing over a computer screen. I can't tell anybody about this yet - enough people already know about the affair, I just am barely keeping my head up under the humiliation already. It is so very good to receive some empathy. Thank you.

nowgood posted 8/1/2013 09:38 AM

YOu can get through this!

YOu have a lot going on, but you should also be aware that pregnancy is often the last card a AP can play to keep contact/or demand more from your WS.

My husband's AP only said she was pregnant when he demanded NC. Needless to say, she wasn't, and facts also revealed she couldn't have possibly been pregnant in the first place.

Sometimes AP's get the feeling too that things are slipping away from them, and use pregnancy as a last ditch attempt for continuing contact.

If the AP is really pregnant, you will know. Whether you are pro-life or prochoice, when my husband told her to go get an abortion in the midst of their NC conversation. Later, suddenly she had a miscarriage she told a friend that didn't require any doctors or hospitals.

If she is pregnant, first, she would also need to prove that it's his child. And until it's born, and she approaches you, forget about it.

If he wants to write a letter, demanding an abortion, she will know where he stands on any pregnancy, and real future with her.

Please know that I am not trying to be harsh regarding a child, but my dad also had an affair and pregnancy story, that also turned out to be false, so I am very skeptical about these things.

Still, you really may also question NC by your WS. Please follow through with all the NC/R suggestions here, to ensure your safety and future happiness and your relationship.

Good luck! And as his therapist said, even if this was a reality, others have done it and we could have survived this too!

Hope this helps! You can do this!


plainpain posted 8/1/2013 10:00 AM

Thank you, Nowgood. I was very suspect that she was pregnant. It played out pretty much exactly like you said - he tried to end it and 'bam', suddenly the woman who can't ever get pregnant is miraculously pregnant with my husband's superhero sperm.

She told my husband she would have an abortion, and he begged her not to. He said, 'If you add murder to my list of sins, I will die'. That was his feeling - he told her he would provide for the baby and be a good father. She seemed very surprised. He said he was going to tell me, and she said to wait a few weeks so that she could find out from her doctor whether or not it was even safe for her to carry it to term... because of her 'illness'.

She was very angry that he told me, and told him that he had 'wrecked everything'.

Because he quit his job and got rid of his cell phone, she has no way to contact him anymore. She would drive by our house, and kept calling the house to talk to him. I told her that she cannot talk to him unless she can prove she is pregnant. I asked her three times to take a pregnancy test, and she refused.

However, I made her angry the last time she called - she tried to drop a 'bombshell' on me, and I let her know very specifically that my husband had already told me EVERYTHING about her and their relationship. I think she felt very betrayed. The next day we had a letter couriered to our house from a clinic, confirming that she is pregnant.

We haven't heard from her since.

nowgood posted 8/1/2013 10:17 AM

At this point, NC means NC for both your husband and you.

Do not answer her calls or connect with her on any level. Stop the drama, so you as a couple can move forward.

If she is pregnant, forget any support during pregnancy. Believe me when I say, that even a letter from a supposed clinic shouldn't affect your contact with her. ANyone can write an official looking letter.

Until a child is born, and it's proven to be his, move on if that's really what you both want.

Now my question to you is, does your WS really want to end things, or is he also delaying NC? If she was ready to end the pregnancy (NOW REAL OR FALSE), and he's begging her not to, then she still has a clinch on him AND your future.

plainpain posted 8/1/2013 11:01 AM

I am absolutely sure he wants NC. On his request, we are moving to another city. He can't stand to be reminded everywhere of what he has done, and honestly I can't either. He asked me to be the one to talk to her when she phones, and I only have twice.

He was abandoned by his father, and he does not want to do that to his child. But he does not want this to be his child. At. All. We are trying to figure out what the right thing is, now that the wrong thing has been done.

Originally, all of these things were discussed while still 'in the fog' - I even told him that we could ask for full custody and raise the child ourselves. Now I don't know how I ever could have thought I could do that. We really don't talk about the pregnancy at all now, and I don't want to bring it up even though I think about it every minute of the day.

I try not to mention her name, or talk about her at all - none of this is about her, it is about my husband and me. We talk about us, what's going on with us, individually and in our marriage. I don't want to give her more power, I don't want to hear her name on his lips, I don't want to be the one to give him reason to think about her.

I just wish I could know one way or the other so I could exhale. Part of me thinks she is just trying to make us suffer.

I hadn't thought of not answering the phone. I guess that makes perfect sense as part of NC. Thank you for being so clear about that. I'm actually scared she'll come to the house and traumatize my children. When the 'For Sale' sign went up on our house, she was furious, called his work screaming, threatened to come to the open house and make a scene if my husband didn't call her. So I feel like maybe as long as I don't aggravate her she'll behave. Once we're out of the city, there won't be anywhere for her to call.

I can't believe this is my life.

tushnurse posted 8/1/2013 12:18 PM

Here is my take on this, and you can take it or leave it, but I am willing to bet you have yourselves a legitimate, bunny boiling, psycho. I would strongly, very stongly recommend that you attempt to contact the clinic to verify if she is pregnant or not, this may not be possible due to patient privacy laws, but I would give it whirl. The next thing I would do is file a restraining order against her. The fact that she is able to magically be pregnant, then wanting to have an abortion, and then is threatening to ruing the open house is enough to convince me that she is not mentally stable. I would also attempt to find out from past boyfriends, or AP's if this is her routine.
Im sure that it is very hard to even begin to focus on your relationship, and healing with this constant worry.
((( and strength))))

plainpain posted 8/1/2013 13:19 PM

Funny you should mention the 'bunny boiling' - that has definitely come up. She behaved their whole relationship like a stalker, and would not leave him alone. It does not excuse his choice. If she had not been young and beautiful, it would not have been so very flattering and easy to look past, I'm sure.

Thank you for that advice. We did call the clinic, but they could give us no information at all. I have definitely thought about a restraining order, and will maybe have to look at that again.

It's so hard to put it out of my mind, because it affects everything about our future. It also reflects who we are as people, I guess. I am so torn, and it's all still in the realm of 'possibility', so I can only allow myself to think so much about it, and yet it's a constant.

Part of me wants him to just NC her and her maybe-baby, move to another country, let her reap her own consequences. The other part of me knows that I could never respect him if he did that. I can't love someone I can't respect. He would have to step up to the plate, and be part of that child's life, to have my respect - but that means taking a knife to the gut for the rest of my life and I don't know if I can do that. There's no 'win'.

So I'm left wondering if I need to just be really honest with myself about what I can and cannot bear, before I allow myself to get more emotionally invested in healing my marriage. I feel like everything in my emotions is 'on hold'. I know I'm still in shock. The trauma never seems to end.

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