The whole time I felt like something was wrong. The man I married would never walk away from me and our children without a fight. I looked at our phone records and see he has been texting a talking a lot to a girl he works with. At first he said she was gay, then he said she was just like a little sister to him. Now he has moved out and is living on her "couch" while he looks for a place of his own. She lives with roommates and suddenly is looking for a new place too, so they are planning on getting an apartment together. He still insists that they are just friends.
Today I finally get him to talk to me a bit. I have been having a hard time with all of this and feel so confused. He admits nothing physical has happened with her, but he thinks he loves her. I feel like someone has ripped my heart out of my chest. I don't know how to process this and try to move on. I truly never for one day doubted that he loved me, how did he suddenly stop and start feeling that love for someone else? I am seeing a therapist since this all happened, but I still feel so overwhelmed and hurt.
I'm sorry to be blunt, when you're still so much in shock. I think you already know what is going on - he's lying to you.
She's not gay. She isn't like his "little sister." He's in a relationship with her. He's having an affair.
Up in the yellow box in the upper left corner, read through The Healing Library. Having to deal with this is A LOT easier when you learn how typical most of the responses you're going to see from him are. It helps to see that you're not in some special hell that no one can understand.
Please take care of yourself. Eat, drink, sleep, see to the child you already have. I know that's going to be hard, but your children need you and are far more worthy of time and attention right now.
Hugs. Keep talking. It helps to verbalize it, to see the situation written down.
He is broken, and the damage was done long before he met you. Unless he has a mental illness or personality disorder, he's probably messed-up due to his FOO (family of origin). WS's hide their emotional train wreckage, suppress it and deny it. But eventually they get into a situation where they are tested and they have no healthy coping skills or boundaries. Then they do stupid shit.
Here at SI, that stupid shit is cheating and generally acting 15. Once they screw up, they have to justify the horrible thing they've done. My WH remembers thinking:
I can't possibly have done this for no reason. I am a good guy . . . not a cheating asshole . . . it must be because I was unhappy in my marriage. Yeah, that's it--Sailorgirl has lots of faults. We fight all the time (untrue). I am miserable and OW is making me feel better. Wait--OW must be my schmoopie soulmate or I wouldn't have done this. Blah, blah, nauseating blah.
You are in the right place because this is such a wise and supportive community. Take good care of yourself and spend time connecting with your child. Try to detach from your WH because you need to protect yourself from that train wreck in progress.
I'm so glad you're in counseling. The only thing I would discuss with him are your children and finances. If he brings up his screwed-up self, direct him to therapy!
[This message edited by sailorgirl at 7:31 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
My heart hurts for you. I can't really add anything to SG's advice. Take care of yourself and your babies.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. But you WILL get thru this. Be strong!
OW had a baby. We do not know if my H is the father.
Together: 16 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 11, 6, 3
Limbo 2 + years after dday
I am so happy to have found this site. I will continue to focus on my daughter and keeping myself and the baby healthy. I did tell him today that I no longer what any communication with him unless it is about finances or the kids.
Question- right now while it is all so new, how do I stop myself from checking his & hers facebook/instagram social network accounts? I don't want to see pictures of them together, but I feel like I can't stop myself from looking and torturing myself. Does that part ever get better/go away?
Please, please be gentle with yourself. This is NOT your fault.
There really are no words to express how deeply I feel for you. Just know that this board is wonderful and you will receive so much support. Do you have a support system in real life? Does your family know what is going on?
[This message edited by hangingontohope7 at 10:17 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
Burn everything love then burn the ashes.
He admits nothing physical has happened with her,
I'm afraid he is lying just to avoid the label of adulterer. Assume the worst and continue being tough to protect your family.
I am truly sorry for the pain you r feeling and the devastation that is happening to you.
I have been through hell and back so i, like all the others here know how it feels.
I agree, he is lying to you. I personally, and you will have to be super SUPER strong, would instantly start NC. See if that gives him a taste of what he is about to lose.
Gather a trusting, support network with your closest friends and family and be kind to yourself.
He is broken and despicable.......what a disgusting low down thing to do to you. Seriously..... I would shut the door in his face so he doesnt start the blameshifting, gaslighting and all the brain fuck games that WILL come into play while he is in the fog.
He will think he can say anything to you and that you will buy it if its not working for him out there.
They become cake eaters.......fuck him.
He doesnt deserve you or your attention. Trust your gut ALWAYS and actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.
Take if from me.....i was blindsided way too many times and it hurts worse with each time.
Be strong and take care of your babies. SI is here for you.
[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 3:12 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]
"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.
[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 3:13 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]
[This message edited by Walking at 6:14 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]
Everytime you want to check, do something for you. Call you friends and family, prepare for your baby, go for a walk, take photos of your daughter etc. Can someone come stay with you?
I'm so sorry he's resorted to such unbelieveably low-rent behavior. The two of them should be horrifically ashamed of themselves for thinking this type of utter bullcrap is somehow perfectly fine and normal.
PregnantAndSad, you seriously need to get to a lawyer to find out what your rights are, what his financial responsibility is to you and the family, and what you can realistically expect with respect to child custody, etc., etc.
I wish you much strength.
I told WH yesterday that we will have no more contact, I hope I can be strong and follow through with it. I have already decided weeks ago that he will not be allowed in the room when I give birth. He was hurt by that but really didn't put up much of a fight. I just can't believe that the person I trusted more than anyone has done this to me and our family. How do you move past that?
I just can't believe that the person I trusted more than anyone has done this to me and our family. How do you move past that?
I'm not super qualified to answer because I have not moved past WH's affair, but I have finally started to accept it. One thing that helps me is realizing that WH's fuckedupness (for lack of a better term) had nothing to do with me. He didn't have the affair because of me or in order to hurt me. He was so lost and broken that he couldn't even see me anymore.
I don't know whether your WH has FOO issues or past abuse or mental illness or what, but the damage was done before you came along. If he had married some other woman, she would be the BW.
Do the best you can enforcing NC to protect yourself and your children. If the actual loss of his family does not end the fog and devastate him, then you will have made a lucky escape. Only an emotionally empty person or seriously mentally ill person can fail to respond to the birth of their own child.
[This message edited by canteat at 6:41 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]
When life changes to be harder, change yourself to be stronger.