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pregnantandsad posted 7/31/2013 18:19 PM

Hi all. I am currently 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child. Have been married just shy of 7 years and 3 weeks ago my husband told me he wanted a divorce. I am devastated. We had some problems in our marriage but nothing I thought was un-fixable. He is unwilling to go to counseling, he won't talk to me, he just wants out. He was sleeping on the couch for the last couple weeks while we decided how to move forward with separation/divorce, tell our daughter and decide what to do about the baby I will be having next month.

The whole time I felt like something was wrong. The man I married would never walk away from me and our children without a fight. I looked at our phone records and see he has been texting a talking a lot to a girl he works with. At first he said she was gay, then he said she was just like a little sister to him. Now he has moved out and is living on her "couch" while he looks for a place of his own. She lives with roommates and suddenly is looking for a new place too, so they are planning on getting an apartment together. He still insists that they are just friends.

Today I finally get him to talk to me a bit. I have been having a hard time with all of this and feel so confused. He admits nothing physical has happened with her, but he thinks he loves her. I feel like someone has ripped my heart out of my chest. I don't know how to process this and try to move on. I truly never for one day doubted that he loved me, how did he suddenly stop and start feeling that love for someone else? I am seeing a therapist since this all happened, but I still feel so overwhelmed and hurt.

Reality posted 7/31/2013 19:16 PM

PS, it's a special kind of jerk that would spring this on you when you're EIGHT months pregnant. I'm so sorry you're juggling this, especially so close to having a baby.

I'm sorry to be blunt, when you're still so much in shock. I think you already know what is going on - he's lying to you.

She's not gay. She isn't like his "little sister." He's in a relationship with her. He's having an affair.

Up in the yellow box in the upper left corner, read through The Healing Library. Having to deal with this is A LOT easier when you learn how typical most of the responses you're going to see from him are. It helps to see that you're not in some special hell that no one can understand.

Please take care of yourself. Eat, drink, sleep, see to the child you already have. I know that's going to be hard, but your children need you and are far more worthy of time and attention right now.

Hugs. Keep talking. It helps to verbalize it, to see the situation written down.

sailorgirl posted 7/31/2013 19:23 PM

Oh, Sweetie! He doesn't love her. He is incapable of acting with love and respect for anyone right now, including himself. If he had any self-worth, he would not throw away his integrity and devastate his family.

He is broken, and the damage was done long before he met you. Unless he has a mental illness or personality disorder, he's probably messed-up due to his FOO (family of origin). WS's hide their emotional train wreckage, suppress it and deny it. But eventually they get into a situation where they are tested and they have no healthy coping skills or boundaries. Then they do stupid shit.

Here at SI, that stupid shit is cheating and generally acting 15. Once they screw up, they have to justify the horrible thing they've done. My WH remembers thinking:

I can't possibly have done this for no reason. I am a good guy . . . not a cheating asshole . . . it must be because I was unhappy in my marriage. Yeah, that's it--Sailorgirl has lots of faults. We fight all the time (untrue). I am miserable and OW is making me feel better. Wait--OW must be my schmoopie soulmate or I wouldn't have done this. Blah, blah, nauseating blah.

You are in the right place because this is such a wise and supportive community. Take good care of yourself and spend time connecting with your child. Try to detach from your WH because you need to protect yourself from that train wreck in progress.

I'm so glad you're in counseling. The only thing I would discuss with him are your children and finances. If he brings up his screwed-up self, direct him to therapy!


[This message edited by sailorgirl at 7:31 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

LiedtoLucy posted 7/31/2013 19:55 PM


My heart hurts for you. I can't really add anything to SG's advice. Take care of yourself and your babies.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. But you WILL get thru this. Be strong!

traicionada posted 7/31/2013 20:06 PM

Please be good to you & the baby

pregnantandsad posted 7/31/2013 20:57 PM

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I do know I will be better in the end, it's just the now that is so damn hard! Yes, I am still very much in shock and trying to sort out what else he has lied about. Do I really want to know? It all seems like so much right now.

I am so happy to have found this site. I will continue to focus on my daughter and keeping myself and the baby healthy. I did tell him today that I no longer what any communication with him unless it is about finances or the kids.

Question- right now while it is all so new, how do I stop myself from checking his & hers facebook/instagram social network accounts? I don't want to see pictures of them together, but I feel like I can't stop myself from looking and torturing myself. Does that part ever get better/go away?

hangingontohope7 posted 7/31/2013 21:21 PM


Please, please be gentle with yourself. This is NOT your fault.

There really are no words to express how deeply I feel for you. Just know that this board is wonderful and you will receive so much support. Do you have a support system in real life? Does your family know what is going on?

[This message edited by hangingontohope7 at 10:17 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

OK now posted 7/31/2013 21:30 PM

Time to seek legal advice and make sure your WH is financially providing for you and your family before any divorce.
I can see you are in shock but you must make sure there is a separation order with mandated payments in place ASAP.

He admits nothing physical has happened with her,

I'm afraid he is lying just to avoid the label of adulterer. Assume the worst and continue being tough to protect your family.

mandan66 posted 7/31/2013 22:10 PM

I too am new here but only because it took me awhile to find SI; I wish I had found it at the beginning of my odyssey almost a year ago. And OK Now is exactly right: assume the worst,and get legal counsel. And don't tell him you're doing it either! If you have any close friends or family, let them in on what's happening, and get their help. My big mistake was giving my WS the benefit of the doubt, instead of listening to what others advised me. Protect yourself is exactly right! And Sailorgirl is right on: FOO seems like it is sooo huge in these things. Nothing you can do about it. Nothing. So now, focus on yourself and children. And hang in there. You will find you have many, many friends at SI!

Titanium posted 7/31/2013 23:51 PM


I am truly sorry for the pain you r feeling and the devastation that is happening to you.

I have been through hell and back so i, like all the others here know how it feels.

I agree, he is lying to you. I personally, and you will have to be super SUPER strong, would instantly start NC. See if that gives him a taste of what he is about to lose.

Gather a trusting, support network with your closest friends and family and be kind to yourself.

He is broken and despicable.......what a disgusting low down thing to do to you. Seriously..... I would shut the door in his face so he doesnt start the blameshifting, gaslighting and all the brain fuck games that WILL come into play while he is in the fog.

He will think he can say anything to you and that you will buy it if its not working for him out there.

They become cake eaters.......fuck him.

He doesnt deserve you or your attention. Trust your gut ALWAYS and actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

Take if from me.....i was blindsided way too many times and it hurts worse with each time.

Be strong and take care of your babies. SI is here for you.

(((((Biggest hugs))))))

Tearsoflove posted 8/1/2013 01:06 AM

File for temporary support right away. He is not going to put you or your children first right now.

BrighterFuture posted 8/1/2013 03:06 AM

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 3:12 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

BrighterFuture posted 8/1/2013 03:08 AM

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm also pregnant due in September so I know the kind of hurt you feel. Please delete both of them from your facebook account. It will show how tough you're plus no new hurts for you. Surround yourself with family and friends because you need them right now. Your husband is having an affair and is in the fog. FTG
Hugs and strength.

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 3:13 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Walking posted 8/1/2013 06:07 AM

Wow, I have only been on the board a week and every time I read something new, I just shake my head. It takes a special variety of asshat to do this to a pregnant woman. I know between this revelation and being eight months pregnant it's hard to even get off the couch but you need a strong support structure. Talk to a lawyer immediately, get temporary support, find a family member aside from him to look after your daughter while you are in the hospital(unless you want your husband's girlfriend likely watching her), and start thinking only of what is best for you and the kids. If being cut out of the birth of his second child doesn't wake him up nothing will. Are your parents around or another close relative, those hormones and emotions make you do and think crazy things on their own, not to mention this betrayal. You need someone who you can entrust to help you think clearly and decisively right now. I don't know what will happen with your husband, but I do know he is behaving in the most selfish self interested way he could behave. You need to act just as selfish for the time being by building your support system and getting a lawyer to get you everything you are entitled to ASAP. Two both the ladies on this thread who are going through this, realize once you get through this you will never again wonder how strong you are and just how weak your husbands are.

[This message edited by Walking at 6:14 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

sailorgirl posted 8/1/2013 07:36 AM

About Facebook etc, it's so hard. I would block them completely. Think of them as Kryptonite to Superman (you are Superman and you need your strength).

Everytime you want to check, do something for you. Call you friends and family, prepare for your baby, go for a walk, take photos of your daughter etc. Can someone come stay with you?

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/1/2013 08:01 AM

I truly believe there's a 'special' Hell for men who desert women that are carrying their children.

I'm so sorry he's resorted to such unbelieveably low-rent behavior. The two of them should be horrifically ashamed of themselves for thinking this type of utter bullcrap is somehow perfectly fine and normal.

PregnantAndSad, you seriously need to get to a lawyer to find out what your rights are, what his financial responsibility is to you and the family, and what you can realistically expect with respect to child custody, etc., etc.

I wish you much strength.

pregnantandsad posted 8/1/2013 11:03 AM

Thank you all. Luckily I have a really wonderful support system and have been so amazed and grateful for how much support I am receiving. I am currently moving out of my house and putting it up for rent so that I can live with my parents for a while and lean on them.

I told WH yesterday that we will have no more contact, I hope I can be strong and follow through with it. I have already decided weeks ago that he will not be allowed in the room when I give birth. He was hurt by that but really didn't put up much of a fight. I just can't believe that the person I trusted more than anyone has done this to me and our family. How do you move past that?

sailorgirl posted 8/2/2013 18:23 PM

I just can't believe that the person I trusted more than anyone has done this to me and our family. How do you move past that?

I'm not super qualified to answer because I have not moved past WH's affair, but I have finally started to accept it. One thing that helps me is realizing that WH's fuckedupness (for lack of a better term) had nothing to do with me. He didn't have the affair because of me or in order to hurt me. He was so lost and broken that he couldn't even see me anymore.

I don't know whether your WH has FOO issues or past abuse or mental illness or what, but the damage was done before you came along. If he had married some other woman, she would be the BW.

Do the best you can enforcing NC to protect yourself and your children. If the actual loss of his family does not end the fog and devastate him, then you will have made a lucky escape. Only an emotionally empty person or seriously mentally ill person can fail to respond to the birth of their own child.

canteat posted 8/2/2013 18:40 PM

I am so so sorry you are going through this. SI is a source of strength and guidence. Lean on the people here-we got your back! From reading your post, I can't help but thinking that the shiny, wonderfulness of moving in with OW will wear off quickly when he realizes what he is losing. And that she is not as great as he currently thinks she is. In other words, when he gets his head out of his ass. And when he gets papers about child support the shit will get REAL to him. He may come crawling back. Just be prepared. Like others have said-take care of you and your children. You can deal with this asshat when/if he proves himself. Stay strong. *hugs*

[This message edited by canteat at 6:41 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Joyless29 posted 8/2/2013 22:07 PM

My heart goes out to you and your children. Everyone is right, it does take someone special to do this to a woman who is carrying their child. I did the same thing, I obsessed about the details and checking my WH phone records, email, facebook, etc. to find the truth because he denyed everythhing, i had to find it out myself, corner him, to finally get him to admit, Do what you need to do to feel better. To me at the beginning I wanted to find out everything so I no longer was in the dark. After a while though it is only like shopping for pain. You already know in your heart I am sure that he is lying to you. Very time I found something new it just derailed me and I fell part again. The best thing you can do is the 180. It will make you feel strong as well and in control. Also, think about yr kids and new baby. Surround yourself with friends, family to help you, especially as the baby arrives. One day you will look back on this and your kids will admire your courage and they will figure out the man their dad really is. Stay strong and keep posting. Hugs to you.

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