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So how screwed am I when my A season is 4 years long???

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TxsT posted 7/31/2013 18:39 PM

I am reading through some of these threads and I was trying to figure out what an A season was. I am guessing it is the time during which the affair happened. What the hell am I supposed to do when I have a 4+ year long A season???

I am almost 11 months out from my Dday. My RWH and I will be celebrating our 25th anniversary in just over a month. I am already getting really bad feelings that I will be a mess on this day because it is basically 1 day prior to our 1 year Dday.

This year has been full of so many bad post Dday firsts that I want very much for our anniversary to be about how far we have come in R and where we want to go in the future. Why am I so uptight that this isn't exactly what will happen????

HeartInADustpan posted 7/31/2013 18:49 PM

I honestly don't know how long an A season is either! Heck, if it is the time the A's happened, my whole relationship is A season. So sad.

Why am I so uptight that this isn't exactly what will happen????

Gosh, why wouldn't you be? dday 1 day after anni and this one being your first and 25th?! Hell, I'd be scared $#@*less! Maybe have clear plans for what happens on the day? Set up a couple massage or an overnighter at a swanky hotel? Maybe if there is a plan, not so much worry of what to expect. Talk to your H, let him know your worries and what he might be able to do to help.

Hang in there.

Alex CR posted 7/31/2013 19:02 PM

I've read the term A season but haven't really found it applies to me as I am dealing with the betrayal of a five year LTA. I found certain dates during the first and second year were difficult but as time has gone on, the pain has eased and the significance of those dates have faded.

Everyone is different, but my H worked hard to help me in any way possible to deal with days that were tough. The first Thanksgiving after Dday is one I really don't remember and since then we have gone away for Thanksgiving breaking the hurtful memory and creating new ones in fun places full of good times toether. Our 29th anniversary was weeks after Dday...we didn't celebrate, but recently we had a outstanding celebration for our 32nd.

At first every holiday, every photo of a specific memory with our kids brought back the "he was with her" or " he left me alone that weekend to be with OW".

I worked at not focusing on those thoughts and H worked to help me. Truly as time goes on, it gets easier to keep my eye on all the good in our life together instead of the bad.

For almost 40 years we have been together and although the betrayal, for me, is the worst thing H has done, we both have our memories of times that weren't so great. The good does outweigh the bad though and the more we work at a life that is good together, the more good times we have to look back on.

I wouldn't get hung on on a season but instead focus on the days that are important to you and let your WS know what you need to get through them.

It takes time, but it is so worth it when you both work together.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/31/2013 19:08 PM

That is the "special" of the LTA's. Really, I don't have an "affair season" and it isn't something I can really relate to.

What many of us have to deal with is that what we thought was reality wasn't. For me, a big portion of my marriage (about 1/3 of a long term marriage) was a big fucking lie. So, instead of dealing with an affair season, I deal with going back years and years and trying to put the puzzle pieces together of our marriage. What was real, what was just my perspective? What was FWH really doing at that time when I thought this is what was going on? There are so many dominos that get knocked over, each one knocking over the next, and what is the result of that one being knocked over?

D-day is another thing all together. I try not to get hung up on dates, rings and vows. They are just things, don't really matter much in the big picture, but can be triggers. What matters to me are actions. Talk to your husband, tell him of your worries, figure out how you both will deal with this day and your feelings. ((((TxsT))))

Schilling posted 7/31/2013 20:00 PM

I understand that feeling. My partner has cheated on me in every month of the year over the last 10 years. Not always consistent, sometimes months or years between, but at this point, every month is "A" season and to me, that just means I don't get a season, it's a simple fact of my life.

Undone1 posted 7/31/2013 23:58 PM

I am right there with you! My fWH had a 3 year affair, so there isn't an affair season for those of us that deal with the LTA and aftereffects.

My anniversary is Saturday (11 years). My fWH took me to Chicago last year for our 10 year and a couple of weeks later took her there too. I would love to just go to bed Friday night and wake up Sunday morning. I have very mixed feelings about the day.

I am hopeful that specific celebrations, holidays and d-day are going to be hard to get thru the first year and will be easier as time goes on.

Hang in there! We will get thru this together! I was just reading some positive threads so I know there is hope!

Today I am saying the mantra "I am responsible for my own happiness". Can't change the past.

TxsT posted 8/1/2013 01:09 AM

Everyone....thank you for your responses. Sometimes it is hard to figure out some of the shortened names of things on here!

I have told my H about my fears and how I have changed my feelings about our upcoming anniversary. He is always supportive when I approach him with honesty and he knows I don't take chances with my feelings anymore.

We have booked a weekend in the mountains at my favorite hide away place. This was his Valentines day gift to me. I got to choose the weekend we went and, after great thought, we mutually agreed on our 25th anniversary would make it very special. For quite some time he has also been aware that I would like to privately mark the occasion with a statement written to each other about our future. I feel that our original vows have been shattered by the A and that this would be a very positive way to take our R positively into the future. He is ok with this and, when I first mentioned it, even teared up a bit that I would feel so strongly about reclaiming him as my rightful spouse. We have not mentioned it again though and my fear is mostly centered on that he may no longer want to do this.

We have come so far in this process over the past year, and I am so proud of our ability to communicate now that I find my hesitation to bring this up to him again interesting. I don't want to seem like I am nagging him or anxious. I do want him to know that I value him as my hubby and best friend beyond our usual level of understanding. My fear is that if I do this, and he doesn't, I might push us into an awkward situation.

So many of your thoughts on other posts have been so helpful. Thank you for being honest and sharing your thoughts with me.


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