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Sadwife222 posted 7/31/2013 19:46 PM

Thank you for any responses. I'm a BW. My WH is going to give me his timeline next Friday after I get back in town. D DAY WAS 4/12/13. I found out about a year long affair with his HS sweetheart while we were separated. Four months after he came home, I found out he spent the night with her when he was supposed to be out of town. Someone saw them together and that was the first I knew of anything.
He TT'd me since then with most of what I know coming from my sources and my proof. Even then, he lied until she confirmed something.
He has been very remorseful. He has gone to IC, MC, and is now going to church for guidance and men's groups. He lost his father when he was seven and feels he could use the help of the older men there to learn how to "love and cherish a wife".

My question is about the timeline. He told me that some of the things he will tell me will hurt my feelings. I'm supposing lies will have to become truths. How hard was it to finally tell the truth? We're you able to be completely honest right away or did you withhold and/or minimize? What can I do to make it easier for him to tell me the complete and honest story? Did your BW's crying stop you?

I know I will have so many questions. I don't want it to be an interrogation but my mind has been going in so many directions that I will have to eliminate the horrible fantasy stories it's made up.

I don't want my reactions to impede his honesty but I'm afraid I will just fall apart. I'm crying as I type this so please help me if you can.

I hope I haven't violated any posting rules.
(Sorry, I put in wayward side and they told me to move over here)

nowiknow23 posted 7/31/2013 19:53 PM

Hi, honey. I'm a BW, too, but I have some advice for you about the timeline.

If you are worried about turning it into an interrogation, you can always write down your questions (to get them down exactly the way you want them to be) and then hand him the list and have him read the questions and tell you the answers. His answers will, invariably, bring up more questions. If you are able to go back and forth in a discussion, great. If not, you can write another list and have another go at it.

Some people choose to ask the questions and look at the timeline with a marriage counselor present. I don't know if that would help you or not.

But gently, honey, there's nothing wrong with having an emotional reaction to a harsh truth. What happens if you do fall apart? He has to deal with it, ok? You are entitled to fall apart when you are dealing with this stuff. Stuffing your emotions in order to keep it together won't help you or the situation. You have to feel the feeling and walk through the hurt, unfortunately. There's no healthy way around that. ((((sadwife))))

painpaingoaway posted 7/31/2013 20:01 PM

It may be easier to write out your questions and/or have him write out the answers. That way you can decide the pace at which you can read, stop and start as you are able to process, and you will have them to refer back to later, because trust me, you will be so overwhelmed with information and emotion that you may actually forget huge chunks of what you discussed.

Another way I have heard of it done is that the BS will write out all the questions on little pieces of paper, put them in a jar, and the WS picks one each day to answer.

Regardless, it will be painful. You could stop yourself from crying by assuming an interview type of persona, but sometimes, I believe it best for them to witness the pain they have brought upon us.

Sadwife222 posted 8/1/2013 10:52 AM

Thank you both. I'm not sure I've the patience to write questions and wait for the responses. I've already composed hundreds of questions based on the little I know and the million scenarios my mind has dreamt up. It's been four months so I've had plenty of time to develope my own "truths".

Are their any WH's out there who can give me advice based on their stories?