MSB....
I am now almost 11 months out from Dday. I am currently healing from a Long Term Affair (LTA). We have been together for 32 years, married almost 25. My husbands 4+ year affair was winding down when Dday occurred. I had suspected for 2 years. Reality was a bitch!
My journey after Dday started off logically if you can believe it. I attributed this to the fact that I had suspected for a long time, I had gone over so many scenarios already in my head as to what I would do. He no longer worked with, or lives close to, the OW. We had moved to a different country, and I did not have to see all the nasty things in our past city that would be instant triggers.I also was 100% sure that snake called the OW had never been in my brand new home. But, slowly, as logic couldn't keep up with the emotions that the triggers brought on, my emotional side won out and the anger started to surface.
We suffered terribly, both of us, in those first weeks. My husband, immediately after DDay (actually during the very first conversation we had when I presented him with the printed emails) asked me to enter counselling with him. He needed to understand how he could do this horrible thing to me and he wanted me to have support and help. He was remorseful from minute one. His A was almost dead in the water....after 4 years the newness and excitement of an A either continues and your WS leaves for the OP or it wanes and you WS is left with the horrible reality that it wasn't what they thought it was and that they are asses. We fell into the second group. My H wanted to forget the finer points of the A. They brought him horrible shame and the knowing pain that he was watching me disintegrate from his actions right in front of his eyes. He had a very hard time remembering actual dates, times, things because his hurt subconscious wanted to put them in a deep dark place. We suffered through stories that changed because he would slowly remember more. Every time a story changed I felt he had lied the first time...I felt like the story would just keep changing. I never knew what was real, the pendulum of emotions swung so hard and so often every single day it became unbearable. our MC, who is also both of our IC told me that some spouses need to know everything about the A before they move on and some don't. In my case though, because we were dealing with a 4 year A, he encouraged me to ask as many questions as I needed personally to heal. He said I would know when enough was enough.
He was right. I am a worrier, I like for things to be completely spelled out so I know ALL of the variables and all of the angles before I move forward. For me personally, I needed to know every last thing he had to tell me because I realized, until I knew it all, the triggers would slowly kill me. so at about 2 months into R I asked for and was given an entire time line of the A, at least as good of one as he could give me at the time. He was honest that he would do his best but he couldn't guarantee that it would be complete by any stretch of the imagination. I valued his honesty about this and together we sat down and poured over a calendar, and searched through his daytimer and cell phone calendar and slowly pieced it together.
At the same time I did something else that proved to be a shocking revelation to my H. Below his A timeline I made a time line that represented what I and, even more importantly, the family was doing during each item on the A time line. Not only was he horrified to see how the two overlapped but he was kicked in the gut to realize just how much of our lives had had to deal with his A.
I agree with others here that this is a very individual topic. Some people do much better not knowing anything. I unfortunately couldn't live with that arrangement.
I hope this has helped you think through this and figure out where you sit on the info time line issue. Just know, that when you do decide, we will support you and help you get through it.
T
[This message edited by TxsT at 11:04 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]