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When is not about the A but the marriage?

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bob1965 posted 7/31/2013 21:39 PM

Some of this I mentioned in an earlier (months earlier) post.

After getting married our sex life died. The year our first son was conceived it was 14 times in 12 months. I know exactly when he was conceived.

"There is more to a marriage then sex" is what WW. I accepted it.

Then the third A (which I thought was the first (messed up ain't it?)) happened. We did it one time between said A and the next one. (I'm mad that there was not any HB ).

So now the As are behind us and sex is once every two periods.

The lack of sex is a trigger. She went out and screwed who ever she wanted while I stayed home and did with out.

She doesn't like to talk about sex. What we have done. What does she want. Nothing. She's not "comfortable" talking about it. We have been together for 20 years and you can't talk to me about sex!!! I've read the messages she sent to one OM. She was pretty comfortable with him.

Like I said earlier. Before I found out about the As I accepted the lack of sex as apart of our marriage. But now it is a huge problem/trigger.

So I ask myself is this an A issue or a marriage issue?

Doing some more venting.

Ostrich80 posted 8/1/2013 02:28 AM

I dont really have an answer but have pondered on similar thoughts. We did have a good sex life until ow entered it. Since then he is not interested in me. I used to really try, now I don't want anything to do with him. Humiliation has killed it for me. I would hear my friends talking about their horny husbands and how they could never get enough and I would sit and nod in agreement not wanting
anyone yo know. I don't understand how a man can look at porn all day, send pix of his junk to women., troll hook up sites but come home and be like a dead fish. I must say it destroyed my self esteem.
My ws won't discuss anything. He pretends to be embarrassed if I bring it up. He would act like I was some insatiable horndog that was always after his dick. It's a sick twisted number he's played on me. Always flipping problems to point the finger at me. Sorry kind of went off subject...if I was ever tempted to R, I would definitely say our issue is our M and not just ow. .

stronger08 posted 8/1/2013 05:02 AM

I had the opportunity to ask my XWW why she was so eager to hop in the sack with and do some sex acts she would not do with me on the OM. Now like you our sex life was almost once a month and not due to me. Her response was "There are things you do with your BF that you don't do with your H" Like I was fucking special because I was the H. And on why she was always willing for sex with OM "It was the newness. You remember how we used to have lots of sex when we were dating" This my friend is the mentality of a foggy WS. They have a whole different logic and sense of morals that the rest of the world cant understand.

ladies_first posted 8/1/2013 08:35 AM

So I ask myself is this an A issue or a marriage issue?

Gently, this is a *sex* issue. (Not that *intimacy* issues are any easier to resolve than messy affairs.)

She doesn't like to talk about sex. ...I've read the messages she sent to one OM. She was pretty comfortable with him.

Let's talk motivation. Find out what she was getting from OM that she was missing at home (careful, I know this is not about blaming you, nor finding you lacking).

What makes your wife feel appreciated?

The lack of sex is a trigger.

I get this. I totally get this.
Does your wife understand that *sex* makes you feel loved and respected and appreciated?

numb&dumb posted 8/1/2013 10:22 AM

Honestly I am not a professional, but the thing that came to mind when I read your post was that your W has experienced abuse in her past.

I could be wrong, but ultimately she has trouble being intimate with people close to her. OMs, the "job" seem kind of textbook. If she has not done IC, I do not think things have much of a chance of changing. She needs a professional to guide her and honestly it will come close to breaking her. So you will need to be supportive if she does therapy. Although it is an issue she has and has decide if she wants to face it or not.

Just my take, like I said I could be wrong.

This is as much a big piece of the M as any other. Her reluctance to talk about it probably hurts. The fact that she is still not willing to even discuss it, seems like like there are really big fears there.

I am sorry man. I know how much the lack of attention or effort can hurt. If she is not willing to do anything to help, you have to decide if you can live with this or not.

sisoon posted 8/1/2013 11:15 AM

IMO, it doesn't matter if it's an issue that stems from the M or the A.

What's important is that you're unhappy, and her behavior is, or at least seems to be, screwed up.

Why not suggest MC? Your MC will probably be able to determine pretty quickly whether it's an issue for continued MC or for IC.

If your W refuses, you'll have to decide if lack of sex and refusal to explore changing are deal killers for you.

ladies_first posted 8/1/2013 13:06 PM

worked as a stripper (39)

From your post last 9/7/12:

"I want to be a trophy wife." (For real!)

A former stripper who feels entitled to being a trophy wife? Sounds like she may have skewed perceptions about the give-and-take of sexual intimacy.

Just curious, are "gifts" her love language? (from the book/website The 5 Love Languages)

bob1965 posted 8/1/2013 19:41 PM

Gently, this is a *sex* issue. (Not that *intimacy* issues are any easier to resolve than messy affairs.)

After I clicked the submit button I thought about what I write. It's both sex and intimacy. Both are rare.

your W has experienced abuse in her past.

I suspect she was.

Just curious, are "gifts" her love language?

Yes. The score was near the top. Physical contact was at the bottom. My results were opposite.

bob1965 posted 8/6/2013 07:36 AM

A couple of days ago a very depressing realization. My WW had more sex with just one OM during their A then with me over a 5 to 10 year period. That bites.

hopefullromantic posted 8/6/2013 10:09 AM

There are always issues in any marriage because two different people are involved. For some of us they are big and many. The A counts as a big one.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/6/2013 10:21 AM

IMO, it isn't an *A* issue OR a *marriage* issue.

This comes across very much as a *her* issue.

It seems like she sees you as her dad or something....

musiclovingmom posted 8/6/2013 10:24 AM

I don't know if it will help or not, but when my H and I were dating, I used to sext him and send racy pictures and talk in person about sex and it didn't seem awkward or uncomfortable. Now that we are married and raising children together, it's different. It feels wrong somehow (where it didn't before). I'm working through that and can't give you a why, but I understand your wife's distinction between bf and H.

MeanBean posted 8/6/2013 10:56 AM

Your going to have to be blunt about this issue with her. Its to late in the game to tip toe around your problems. Your not getting any younger and neither is your libido. Don't except her rugsweeping the issue.

Remember she cheated for a reason.If she is not willing to make ALL aspects of a marriage work then why stay together? She is the mother of your kids, but what else is she worth staying if she doesn't fulfill your needs.

She had 3 affairs, What do you think she has to lose from your marriage if you keep taking her back? She is 3-0. theirs No need for her to change because you still tolerate her behavior. She has no motivation to change because she doesn't have too.

[This message edited by MeanBean at 11:03 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

wifehad5 posted 8/6/2013 11:15 AM

That's a crappy realization Bob. Have you mentioned it to her?

Blobette posted 8/6/2013 13:25 PM

My utterly uninformed two cents, which you should feel free to disregard: sounds like your wife has her own version of a virgin/whore complex. You are her H, the "virgin". She married you because you're a good guy, the one she loves. She can't integrate love with sex, for some reason. Fear of intimacy, sexual abuse history, whatever. Sex is over here and love and marriage is in a different box.

Clearly, this is not healthy, for her or for your marriage. A healthy marriage has sex in it. A healthy marriage has free sexual expression in it. She's keeping something back by not sharing that with you. By not addressing it, she's continuing in her avoidance route. I'm not sure what the conditions are for R that you've set, but getting to the bottom of it should sure as hell be one of them.

naivewife posted 8/6/2013 13:56 PM

I didn't read everyone's responses but my first thought upon reading this is that it's neither, it's her own sex issue. It sounds to me like she is very uncomfortable about sex, for whatever reason, and has to de-attatch from her own personality in order to be a sexual person - basically role play by having an A with someone that doesn't really know her and love her, and that she doesn't really love. I hope she is going to IC and isn't too inhibited to discuss this very openly.

naivewife posted 8/6/2013 14:02 PM

Just looked at her history in your signature. I would have to guess that abuse is a good possibility, or for whatever reason, sex is simply a dirty thing to her and she can't put sex and love together. I would imagine as a stripper you would have to do that mentally. Definitely something she will have to work on.

bob1965 posted 8/7/2013 07:02 AM

You all have nailed it.

She more or less confirmed what you all have wrote.

Over the last weekend she told me:

A chance something happened when she was a child. She said she has vague memoires.

I don't think she understands that I need the emotional bonding that having sex with her gives me.

She asked what sex is? Am I expecting how television and movies portray sex? I told her no. It's what we do (when we do it).

I guess one of my problems is:

She can't integrate love with sex

she can't put sex and love together

I am the opposite. I find it difficult to separate the two. Why can she so easily have sex with OM and not me? The man that loves her.

This A crap really sucks.

Have you mentioned it to her?

Yes. She wasn't very responsive.

In the past I have tried to talk to her about this. Nothing ever happens.

I know she still needs external validation. I've asked her why. Why is my opinion not enough? "You're my husband. You are suppose to think that".

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