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Time line for WS?

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Joanh posted 7/31/2013 21:42 PM

Ok I am sure I may be asking for it. Is there one? Is there one for us for recovery. Is there one for being able to look at oneself in the eye. To move past the anger towards yourself your own self doubt and mistrust. and forgiveness. I hear so much about the time and what to expect.
And yes part of this is just being tired. It has been a long week and it has nothing to do with having fights etc. It is how I feel about myself and trying to figure out how to live with it. I realize my BS is having much of these thoughts about me. I know we are still not that far out from dday. Just more and more realities self exploration and truths to myself are starting to wear me down. Im feeling damned if I do and damned if I don't right now too. My BH wants me to be strong and not bring up or discuss the affair , and it usually only comes up on his bad days. The last one though it came out that he thinks I'm happy. He asked me your not happy are you? . As you don't really consider us to be happy do you. This was after a conversation of the things we have been doing together and how to work at maybe looking at things different. He has asked me to be happy when he's down , not to allow it to bring me down too. So then I look a uncaring person is my guess cause I am trying to keep it together and keep him going. If im down he feels bad . The only thing keeping me going right now is that my daughter is home with me and she is 6 so I have to do stuff for her. But I just don't know I really don't know how strong I can be. ANd I know Im not suppose to feel bad Im suppose to take care and support my BH and I am and I will I just need to be held up too.

cinnamongurl posted 8/1/2013 06:30 AM

Joan, there's no timeline for healing. Every person, situation, and relationship is different. I get that feeling of hopelessness and exhaustion of it all, but recovery and healing are not linear. There are so many twists and turns, so many hurts. I think by clinging to the idea that if you do a, b, and c in order of 1,2,3, you are holding yourself back. The best thing to do is to let go of the outcome. You have no control over how your BH heals, bit you do have control over how you heal.

Take some deep breaths, and come at this process by taking baby steps. Just a little bit at a time. Sometimes its easy to get caught up in the momentum of the good times, and jump forward too fast, only to slam into a brick wall when the bad ones hit. Don't get discouraged though. Just take some time to reset, and refocus. Remember, this healing process is all about you becoming a stronger, healthier person.

There are going to be many times when you feel like your backsliding, this is normal. The key is to allow yourself to feel, but not to let those feelings consume you or control you. You're in the driver's seat.

ANd I know Im not suppose to feel bad Im suppose to take care and support my BH

Careful here, you need to allow yourself to feel your feelings. By not doing so, you are just packing those feelings away. They're still there, just hidden from view.

You can still feel AND support your BH, just don't lose sight of the fact that you can't heal him. That's something only he can do. Aubrie just posted about this. I know you've read it, but it's a great post and very helpful in gaining perspective on this. Give it another read.

So start focusing on your own feelings, and your own healing. After all, as another member here has as their tagline "you can't heal what you don't feel"

(edited to fix typos)

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 6:39 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

LosferWords posted 8/1/2013 10:21 AM

The healing timeline is long. You can't measure it, either. It's best taken day by day, IMHO. Every day of transparency, authenticity, and truthfulness to yourself and your BH is another day towards healing. Every day is another day beyond yesterday, and the day before that.

Keep at it, and hang in there. There will be brighter days in the future.

UnexpectedSong posted 8/2/2013 17:26 PM

Of course you're supposed to feel bad. Don't suppress your feelings. That's what got you into this situation. But do try to support her... in spite of your pain.

Re timeline for healing... Why is that important? Would you work more or less if you knew you'd be fine in 5 months? 5 years? You should be working on a healthier you without regard to time. Or to whether your BS will be with you. It should be just for you.

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 5:28 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Joanh posted 8/4/2013 09:47 AM

Sometimes it would be nice to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel a desperate when I can't see the end , Which I also know is part of my issues, Control! . When I get to the low desperate point I start to spin. WEll I am proud of myself today. When I posted this I was falling and wasn't able to see the otherside, I did it I pulled myself out, with a little help From SI and my girlfriend. I shared my thoughts, read and felt what was going inside, began to see where it comes from and that I can only do the change. It was my birthday on Friday. My gift to myself was to allow myself a day of happiness and too smile. Now I won't say it was 100% success but it sure wasnt' zero success. I was a good day. The guilt is there for feeling happy for moments, cause by BH is in a real bad place too. I allowed myself to accept that day I can not control his thoughts or actions. Thank you all. This is a theme I saw running through SI , you all know who you are. And the sharing you give. I think the lessons learned and the sharing between each other allows us all to think from different perspective. That there is not one answer to anything. To take what works for you and throw the rest away. This is life. Now can I hold on to this thinking. WE will see, Im sure going to try. Talk again soon. And thank you all for the support!

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