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Is it naive?

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Scubachick posted 8/1/2013 00:43 AM

I trusted my husband completely prior to finding out about his EA. For some strange reason I still don't worry about him with other women....I just don't trust anything he says or him when it involves that particular woman he had the EA with. Is that naive of me to think like? He doesn't know that I feel this way. He thinks I don't trust him with any women. Maybe that's a sign I shouldn't? I mean I'm more aware of other women now but not suspicious or jealous.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/1/2013 00:52 AM

It's not odd. He has history with the OW. He has the thoughts and words that were very very real. It's easier to feel emotions about something that actually happened. Is he showing you through his actions that he wants to change? Is he showing through his actions that he can be trusted? While I wouldn't now go on a rampage and try to rid all the women out of his life, I would be aware of what he is doing to fix himself so that it doesn't happen again.

ea_confusion posted 8/1/2013 08:22 AM

Scubachick, I totally understand. I completely trusted my SO until his EA. Then I started to see his pattern more clearly in that he seems to need attention from female friends, often past girlfriends that he keeps around. I used to be cool with him having female friends and after the EA it made me so much more on alert. I hate being that way because I've never been a jealous type, but then I recently found more secrets regarding an ex. It is hard to face that because I was hoping his past EA was just a one-time thing. Now I'm seeing a part of himself he's been hiding.

solus sto posted 8/1/2013 08:30 AM

I think it's a normal response, given his history with this particular woman.

That said, it wasn't about a particular woman. It was about something in him--something that needs to be identified so that different coping mechanisms can be substituted.

I don't know what that "something" is. That's something for him to explore in IC. It's really important that it not be minimized or rugswept, because that ups the odds of another affair astronomically.

I'm not suggesting that your approach is wrong. But it is naive to believe this was about one magical woman. It was about a confluence of things, for which he gave himself permission to break his wedding vows.

He needs to figure out what these things are, AND gather new tools---so that if the stars align similarly again, destructive extramarital affairs will NOT be his way of dealing with things.

Millions of hugs to you.

Scubachick posted 8/2/2013 04:52 AM

Thank you all.

Solus sto, great point....intellectually I get that it wasn't really about that particular woman but emotionally, not so much. I wish I could let jealousy go :(

EA confusion: I've never been the jealous type either. It use to bother him that I never got jealous because he saw it as a sign that I just didn't care enough. I don't like the person I'm becoming. I hate the way jealousy eats away at me and it kills me to give another female the satisfaction of knowing that I'm jealous. This just sucks! I miss the trust and the security of pre EA

Tattood china: he's doing all the right things. I guess it just takes time to learn to trust again. It would probably help speed up my healing process if she didn't still work for us but thats not an option right now.

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