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Ashland13 posted 8/1/2013 01:29 AM

It is almost 3:00 a.m. I have not had all-nighters in some time, though I have had nights where I sleep an hour, maybe two.

Papers are coming for getting ready for court and I am distraught and seeking opinions, for the latest one has the hair on the back of my neck standing up.

Some things my lawyer is fighting for are very clear and basic personal rights type of things. The amount of things and support that Perv/Peckerwood is pulling away is astronomical. It is basically as if I was non-existent in his life and will cease to exist.

What bothers me is that in the papers being written now, some explanations and wording doesn't match the papers we had meetings for-one meeting cost a serious amount of money and was quite long, re. the visitation issues.

They are to the point of starting to write petitions now and the lingo has been altered on the forms for one child. I notice also that the baby to be is not mentioned and am not sure why this is.

I got very upset today but worked through it prior to contacting L, so that I would be shorter in contact and his message of explanation this time is different than before. This is in regard to "physical custody" of DD and has the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.

I guess I am asking for anyone to describe their version of it and to kind of verify if I am all right in my instinct that this is fishy to change the wording, as with so much emotion sometimes I don't know what's clear. Unfortunately, my instincts or gut have not always been proven wrong.

I can't stand questioning authority because it makes me doubt life and I like the lawyer I chose, for the most part, but this part has me not able to concentrate on anything and is stronger than my meditation skills.

Because Perv/Peckerwood did so much besides the cheating, I am petrified that he be given "joint physical custody"...why should someone who is capable of abandoning his wife and children be awarded this? Am I right to question this and my lawyer on this word, or am I being nit picky and not understanding?

I think Mama Bear is awake and am sick over it and petrified. This man talked already about trying for DD to live "there" and take her away from me. I mentioned to L that I worry thre is an angle, with the changed lingo and he says no, but why is mind so stuck on it then?

It's very hard to sort through the emotion and shock I still have and sometimes find I have to read the papers repeatedly.

Thank you for any advice and I apologize for repeating in the post, if I did.

Ashland13 posted 8/1/2013 01:38 AM

P.S. L's descriptions of the terminology or lingo for "physical custody" are not the same as before. I pointed that out to him and it was really hard to do, but when it's my children, I will fight with all that I have. I do not have children for them to be taken from me.

I have so much self-doubt now, because the way Perv/Peckerwood has been in communication and what he did to me, mentally, left my state of mind not good and left me questioning myself.

He played mind games and lied to a counselor for a long period of time, so that my mind is not straight and takes longer to process things now. Trust is completely gone and even though I pay the lawyer, trust is not there for me...for anyone. I see this in DD and hate it, but understand it and in one way am glad she's not naive any more.

It's one reason that I've gone to counseling for as long as I have, so that I have people who will verify that I am not stupid and incompetent, as he tried to have me declared. I worry though, that L will think that because of my emotions or if I start to question him.

I don't know if it's facing court and judges now that has me undone again or feeling so unwell physically? I hate that another person has this capability over me, still, and that it is through strangers and in front of strangers that our "dirty laundry" is soon to be aired.

Nature_Girl posted 8/1/2013 02:55 AM

It is normal to fall apart during the crunch right before a court date. BTDT


It is normal for the amount & kind of paperwork that has to be amassed & understood before a court date to overwhelm you & make you completely batshit crazy. BTDT


I confess I don't fully comprehend either of your posts. It's not clear to me what the wording is that has you upset. So I'll just tell you what little I understand about custody. I know that there are two kinds of custody, physical and legal. Both of these have two main kinds, joint or sole. Sometimes in a divorce one of the custodies is joint and the other is sole, sometimes they're both the same.

What really pisses me off is that cheating is not something that is considered to disqualify a parent from being a parent. The courts don't care. Heck, even being an abuser doesn't disqualify you. So again, I'm not sure what you're asking about, but hopefully the little I just shared can help.

Helen of Troy posted 8/1/2013 09:28 AM

Your feelings and emotions are normal. Remember this! You are not crazy or stupid. Remember this too. It is VERY common for xws to try to paint the xbs as incompetent. You may feel isolated or misunderstood or like an army of one but you absolutely are not. If you've been primary caregiver or stay at home mom there it is usually a given you will continue to have primary physical custody.
Joint legal just means you make major decisions together regarding the children. I have this and it's laughable, he never cared much or involved much during, then through CS modification he began demanding school and medical records from them and from me. Dumbass.
He also threatened me with all types of evaluations that never came to be. His ow/nw has called CPS on me three times which included surprise visits to my home. All found false.
You are stronger than you know.
Your mental fog and physical ailments will go away with time. You have to know these things will happen.
You are not alone and judges have heard this scenario many, many times. They will see through him if it even goes that far.

Dreamboat posted 8/1/2013 10:36 AM

In my state, almost all D parents share both joint legal custody and joint physical custody. Physical custody is further defined where one parent has primary physical custody and a visitation schedule is included, or the parents share 50/50 physical custody and the terms of the custody are defined (such as alternating weeks, 3/4/4/3 alternating days, etc).

In addition, visitation and custody on holidays, summers, and school breaks should be further defined so it is clear who will have the children when.


nutmegkitty posted 8/1/2013 13:01 PM

I have primary physical custoday and he has visitaion. In other words, they live with me, period. They visit him twice a week and EOW. Two weeks, non consecutive, vacation wiht him in summer.

We have "joint legal" custody, which means we are supposed to share in "important" decisions reguarding our dds.

I think that is pretty standard in our state. What language is being changed on your papers?

And yes, your stress will come out via your body. It's normal, and yes it sucks. Exercise helps, and if you need something for anxiety that is ok too.

Coraline posted 8/1/2013 16:42 PM

Okay, so you originally agreed to ask for sole physical, and now your attorney has filed a motion asking for joint physical? Is that what happened? I would be very, very upset that he or she had changed that w/o discussing it with me first. However, I don't know exactly what the difference is in your state.

Ashland13 posted 8/2/2013 18:19 PM

Thanks, Everybody.

Whenever I see papers with our names on them for the divorce, it is a huge trigger. It throws me off kilter for a day or two, no matter what the content. Seeing my name there with "verses" wrecks me.

This is the first of the petitions to go to court, FWIU (from what I understand) and it is regarding custody, as I tried to say in my late-night post.

It is from Perv/Peckerwood's atty and is written like a kid or special need's person. I suspect it could be purposefully done this way, to throw us off, maybe?

I understand the explanations of custody, thank you all.

My consternation is at seeing "physical joint custody" on the papers...this threw me. L did respond and promises there is no way on earth, in heaven or in hell that he will let either child be taken away from me to live, whatever the terminology the other atty tries to sneak in.

I told him I will go to great length to fight and money, though difficult, is not going to stop me, should this come up.

@ Coraline, thank you. The papers were not written by my L, but Perv/Peckerwood's and he's sloppy. He's a bully, which doesn't shock me, because don't bullies often stick together?

@ Nature Girl, at least a few times a week, I think of the things you wrote. It's not even about the cheating part when it comes to my kids, triggers or buttons get pushed because of the abandoning and some things I overheard him say during his visits with our daughter.

The wording that has me upset in the papers is the phrase "joint physical custody". I'm sorry, I was crying when I began the thread and it was late at night.

We do have a "parenting plan" that I am trying hard to stick to, but he is Mr. "No Rules" now. If I complain to my lawyer about the visiting or make any noise about him not sticking to the parenting plan, he gets his lawyer to say I am not cooperating...? L said that this is a scare tactic.

These games I just can't take and it makes so many more problems. Drama follows this man like a wake behind a boat and this was a person known for problem solving and one who could fix anything!

I did get a notice for the first court date and I don't think it's going to be a pretty day for me.

Thanks again, everybody.

nomistakeaboutit posted 8/2/2013 23:01 PM

If you have been the primary care provider for your children, it makes sense for you to get Primary Physical Custody. Your soon to be XWH would get visitation. This means that the kids would stay with him two or three weekends per month.). You and he could have Joint Legal Custody, which in my State refers to matters of health, education, religion and extra curricular activities (sports, dance, etc.). In this scenario, if you and your stb XWH cannot agree on a matter related to legal custody, the parent with Primary Physical custody becomes the tiebreaker.

Candidly, I would fight hard to get the arrangement described above. It provides the children with one primary home (yours) and visits to another home (your xwH's house). With 50 / 50 physical custody, there is a point of view held by some that kids don't end up with two homes, but no home. I know that in some States it is very common, but that's not your concern. You're fighting for what will be best for your children. I feel strongly that kids need a place to call home and that alternating weeks, forever, just seems unnatural. I know people do it all the time, make the best of it and make it work, but my opinion is as I stated. (Why should the kids' lives be turned into ping pong balls because of a parent's infidelity? It's not fair to the kids, IMO.)

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 6:47 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

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