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Newest Member: ConfidentJayne (61852)

User Topic: It's over.
♂ 40103
Member # 40103
Stop  Posted: 4:56 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's over. I can not believe it. I got a letter from her attorney. A legal instruction not to contact her.
I don't believe this!!
My BS got an email from OW#2 while she was away on business. She said we could talk when she got home!
My marriage is over- no confrontation, nothing! I was prepared to face my wife: prepared for anger, tears, screaming! But not this.
How can she do this to me?
I know she collected some of her things while I was at work. I don't know where she is.
I want to talk to my wife, tell her I am sorry. Not read a fucking letter from some lawyer telling me to leave her alone!
What do I do? Why won't she talk to me? How do I contact her? How can she walk out on me without even looking at me?
What the fuck is going on? I deserve lots of things but not this!!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 29130
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This could be a dealbreaker. You have to respect her choice. Work on you. Give her space. She is angry. She may change her mind. What can you do to make yourself a safe partner.

You made choices for her about the M. She is making her choice for the M.

Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4722 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She can do whatever she wants to do. Why are you so shocked? She just found out that you cheated on her and went to an attorney. She is taking back her power and getting her ducks in a row.

It may or may not be a dealbreaker but right now she is likely reeling from the discovery and very angry, devastated, shocked...times a million.

Who is to say what you deserve? Did she deserve to get cheated on?

So....what you do now is take a breath and see what happens. But if she does contact you and you act towards her the way you posted here, you can guarantee it's done. Your posts is me me me. And I get that, you're upset and overwhelmed. But you need to think about the impact of your decisions on your BW.

You need to show some humility and empathy for your BW.

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

Posts: 55131 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 25341
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can she do this to me?

I say this as gently as possible: the same way you could cheat on her with at least 6 OW in 5 years.

You ambushed her. Betrayed her trust. Betrayal FUCKING HURTS. She is protecting herself from the trauma that YOU (NOT OW) have inflicted on her.

My marriage is over- no confrontation, nothing! I was prepared to face my wife: prepared for anger, tears, screaming! But not this.

Sounds like you were ready to charm her back into the M with your words. If your M is over, it is YOU that killed it. That is the hard fact that you will have to come to accept.

What the fuck is going on?

When you throw a bomb into a crowded marketplace, you can't control whatever damage occurs. This time, the damage is hitting you. I know it's not exactly what you planned, but that's what the fuck is going on.

What do I do? Why won't she talk to me? How do I contact her?

You will probably get conflicting advice here. You might consider sending an email or letter. If you do that, I would make it VERY short, along the lines of 'I understand. Please know that I am here for you at any time if you decide you want to talk. As per your request, I will initiate no further contact.'

The next thing you do - whether you contact her or not - is to get yourself into IC and start working on YOURSELF. Become the man you believe your wife deserves. Figure out WHY you turn to cheating. The real, deep down why, not the superficial why.

Stop all A's. Go NC with ALL OW, starting RIGHT THIS INSTANT.

Start doing all the things that you would do as a REMORSEFUL WS, even though it seems your BW is out of the picture. Who knows, she might change her mind later if you prove that you are stepping up and doing what it takes. And even if not, you will still become a healthy partner for any future relationship.

How can she walk out on me without even looking at me?

As you yourself imply in your user name, what you have done might be Unforgivable by your BW. I don't know if she has ever been cheated on before, but either she has and doesn't feel like another ride at this particular rodeo, or she hasn't and she knows herself well enough to know she cannot tolerate it and is doing everything she can to keep herself (emotionally) safe from you.

I also notice that most of this post is all about you. How this reaction of your BW is so unfair to you. You want to talk to her but she won't let you. How what you did might be terrible, but how could she do this to you.

That is NOT remorse.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe how you feel now is how your BW felt to learn you are cheating? Maybe you will start to have a little more compassion about what you are putting HER through.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, and I understand that you are in pain. But I also completely understand your BW's reaction. If I didn't have 3 children with my WH, it's what I would have liked to do myself.

If you are to have ANY chance of getting your M back (it might already be too late though), you need to match your ACTIONS to your WORDS. Don't just SAY you want your M back, SHOW IT.

When you find TRUE REMORSE, as opposed to the 'Oh I wish this weren't happening to me' kind of REGRET, then you will find it easier to work to fix the broken parts inside of you.

You said yourself in your other post that your BW deserves better. Be better.

Me (BS), Him (WH): mid-50's
3 DS: 23, 23, 19
M: 28 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 33
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen

Posts: 6321 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am shocked that you are shocked she contacted an attorney, etc.

I am a BS who filed for a D two days after the final D-day in my first M to a serial cheater. We had three young children and I guess that is why I gave him some chances before that last time. If we had no children, there is no way I would have stayed with him after the first D-day. I won't get long winded here and repeat myself because I added something to the other post you had going before you knew your wife got an attorney and asked you not to contact her. Be sure you continue reading what people posted there.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:20 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Posts: 6841 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No stopsign, so I hope it is OK if I, a BW, post.

Infidelity ends marriages.
It is a miracle when it doesn't.
Many times, R happens only because there are kids,& the BW is willing to endure anything for her kids.

One of the main questions you have to ask yourself, (besides
why are you only thinking about yourself right now---you may be in pain, but it doesn't hold a candle to what your BW is feeling right now),
is why did you think it was ok to do this to your wife? What did you tell yourself to give yourself permission to do it? That you deserved to do it?

I would guess that if you have any hope of R, it starts with answering those questions.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:29 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 28 years/Together 29 years/4 kids together
OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

Posts: 2500 | Registered: Dec 2012
SI Staff
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 6:45 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please note the stop sign has been added, this topic is now closed off to BS's.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe this!!
Your wife has said the same thing at least a million times since she found out you've been cheating on her with 6 other people over the course of your marriage.

How can she do this to me?
The better question is, how could you do this to you?

Why won't she talk to me?
Because for some people, affairs are dealbreakers. Period.

How can she walk out on me without even looking at me?
How could you walk out on her and have 6 affairs? She isn't walking out. You already did that. She's simply protecting herself. As she should.

What the fuck is going on?
You blew your life up. And now you're facing the consequences. It's not fun is it? But this is reality now. Question is, are you going to grow up and face it, or are you going to throw a mantrum and rant and rave about how heartless your wife is to do this to you?

Do you even realize what you have done? This isn't forgetting the credit cards on vacation. This isn't accidentally putting the wrong oil in the car. This is your wife's life. This is her whole world. And you dropped an atomic bomb in the middle of it.

You know that happily ever after? That magical moment when you first saw her coming down the aisle at the wedding? You know that moment when it was all quiet and you were finally alone on your honeymoon? That magical moment when you returned from your trip and walked into your home together for the first time?

You know all those hopes and dreams you had together? Vacations? Children? Big family Christmases? Cherished memories with loved ones? Piles and piles of pictures of the adventures you'd have together?

Yeah, you've blown all of that up for her. And I would suspect that she's in a world of hurt right now. Find some compassion and realize what you've done. Why are you so entitled and rude to make this all her fault? You pushed the rock down the hill, now face the destruction you've created.

Why did you cheat? Why didn't you go to counseling? Why did you make the conscious choice, 6 times over, to cheat?

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7909 | Registered: Nov 2011
♂ 32428
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now, right this second, take a moment. Breathe deeply and calm your mind as much as you can. Repeat to yourself all of those questions you asked in your post and answer each on with this phrase:

"Because of MY actions and choices."

Internalize that. Let it marinate. Don't act on anything until you understand that you are the cause of this.

Your goal is to fix you right now. You have to let go of the outcome and focus internally. Sure, make yourself available if she wants to reach out to you, but give her the respect, time and space she's asking for. She had a lawyer tell you to cease contact. You're obligated to follow those instructions right now. Things may change, but for now, get to work on you.

Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier

Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
♂ 23667
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No wayward should ever be surprised when a BS say's they are done. It's a natural response for them to be done.

We deserve nothing from our spouse once we've betrayed them. Nothing except walking papers! My wife packed my shit and tossed it all to the curb..... Then called me on Saturday and said if I want my things, I better hurry. You see, she had called Goodwill and scheduled a curb pickup for Monday. Poor Card "felt" like he deserved better too... I was an entitled prick!
She became an empowered woman.

Remember, your wife didn't get to vote before you cheated and committed adultery, did she?

WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin

Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
♂ 40117
Member # 40117
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't feel surprised if my BS did this. We are cheaters - our infidelity ruins our marriage - isn't that why we're here? She has every right to end it without a word.

FWH - me 40ish
BS - her 40ish
bunch of kids
Married 10 years
D-Day: 10/2012 & 7/29/13
NC 7/2012

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: the midwest is best
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your pain. But it is the BS's prerogative to leave. She already gave you many chances.

Why do you feel so entitled to always getting another chance?

What in your past got you to have very little respect for your wife?

"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6421 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What in your past got you to have very little respect for your wife?

And yourself? Making a vow and breaking it is rendering your word worthless by your own actions. Not something someone with self respect even considers.

Look closely at how you define yourself. You may find the answer to the how could she. She is showing self respect. That may be what's confusing.

If you are serious about the work ahead we can help.

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ 36399
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All our actions have consequences. Unfortunately we con't see this until it is too late sometimes.

You are just going to have to accept this and get off the pity pot. It isn't all about you.

“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
♀ 37163
Member # 37163
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:37 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

Posts: 24 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 15

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